A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I met this guy a couple years ago and we were friends with benefits for a short while. Then in the begining of 09 he moved out of state but we started talking again right before he moved. We really liked each other but lost touch again soon after we started talking. So I started dating someone else. Well we broke up last oct. And my friend moved back to state while my ex moved out of state. I know this is confusing but bear with me. So my friend texted me yesterday and I decided to go see him . Well we had an amazing time we had amazing sex and its been quite awhile for the both of us. Well him much. Longer then me but we both thought it was amazing. He said all the sweet things to me like he hopes I will be coming over more often and how pretty I am and leading on that he wanted to be more then friend with benefits this time. Which is what I want to do. I like him sooo much and I'm falling quick and hard. But he brought me home today and told me to text him later. So I waited a few hours then I texted him. And asked him if he wanted to stay with me. He said he did and he'd be on his way soon. But then right after he said he was just kidding and he wasn't coming. And this just confused the hell out of me. So I said ok and he never texted me back. I really like this guy. A lot a lot, but I can't figure out if he wants to be with me. If I'm rushing things or if he just wants to be friends with benefits? Help me! Sooo confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was about 2 years ago. Then we talked for a while last year but never saw eachother and then this happend last weekend.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
 yes, that is confusing. But always look at actions, not just sweet words. And where there is incongruity then that is a red flag. The bit about sleeping over - incongruent with how he was before. How long ago was your previous FWB relationship?
he is certainly sending mixed signals
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the advice. But I thought he wanted to be more for many reasons. We went to the bar w one of his friends when we first got together. And while he was talking to me he said I don't care if we fool around or do anything but not to say he didn't want to but if we just cuddled all night he would b happy. Then he said I make him happy. And he said to his friends because well first he had one friend meet up ther. Then like 4 more came. Well anyways he told his friend hopfully I will b in town more often. And I have kids which he's never met but he said he wanted me to bring them over next time I come out. Idk I'm so confused what he did by blowing me off was mean and I was so mad. But what he said was so diffrent. Before when we were fwb years ago it was very simple. It was what we both wanted but he's being a lot diffrent this time around and he's really confusing me. Last time we would only stay inside then when we were done id leav he never did come to my house. But this time we went out with his friends he picked me up he bought me lunch. But when I told him he could stay last night he told me he didn't stay at other peoples houses??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): He has just used you. There is a likelihood that when he's at a lose-end he'll be in touch again. Do NOT be available. If he cared one jot for you he would at least treat you with respect and not as a joke!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
Sadly I think he is just leading you on. You do deserve better.
Interesting a guy, for much more than a FWB relationship is a longer slower more patient process. And will involve finishing relationships quickly, if the guy is not ready for a permanent commitment.
And a guy interested in a permanent relationship will quickly realise if a girl thinks she is only good for FWB. So he will treat her accordingly. It's not fair, but that's how it works,
When a guy is serious he wants to build trust. He wants to know everything about this woman, who potentially will become the mother of his children. And a man or woman who is serious about wanting a permanent relationship will want to find out about his/her character, his/her values and his/her attitudes. And about how respectfully he/she treats him/her. And having conversations to talk about dreams. And for a guy who wants to marry and have children all the above things can occur before sex. I'm not saying sex is not important, because
that's not true.
But like, respect, care about, talk, share dreams, talk commitment, can all come before sex.
If a guy says he will drop you if you do not agree to sex then you know he does not value you, except for sexual relief.
Always look beyond his 'sweet' words, sweet words that are often all LIES, to the actions and the actions he wants to see happen right now.
Some people like to think sex brings a couple closer. But if there is just sex then that is not true. When a male is too young to even legally marry then all he is doing is 'training' for later, with a girl willing to be experimented with.
When men just want sex but no commitment then the sex is just sexual exercise for the man.
When you know what you want, and hold out for what you want, and forget about FWB relationships it is likely you will find the right guy.
Then the sex can become as important as it should be in a committed relationship.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Most men aren't exactly subtle, if they want to be with you they'll make sure you know it. They won't make plans and then cancel by saying it was just a joke.
I don't think he has a clue what he really wants, other than to keep you around on the side while he figures it out. I also think it's odd he told you to text him, rather than initiating the conversation himself. It's as if he wants to feel like he's got you wrapped around his finger, or was testing you to see if you in fact are. Either way, this isn't a good situation and can be easily avoided in the future by holding off on sex until you're in an exclusive relationship.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Uhm. I have never seen an FWB upgraded to the status of serious relationship. I don't say it can't ever,ever happen - but the general idea in this cases seems to be " if it ain't broke don't fix it ".
It sounds your FWB feels the same. But he said....He said. But he did something totally different , and cold and disrespectful too. Get your cues from what people DO, not from what they say. It's a sound advice,believe me.
Also, are you sure that he let on this time he is ready for more than FWB ?...Won't it be maybe a bit of wishful thinking from your side putting a positive spin on his words..? Like ,if he says he wants you to come over more often, - it means that he would like to have sex with you more often, but from here to translate this into real feelings, it's a bit of a stretch.
If I were you- I would not go looking for trouble and I'd give up now while it still does not hurt much. FWB can work only if both parties are equally casual and no-big-deal about their relationship... which is already not your case . Since the guy has not shown a burning desire to be with you yet, that makes me think that in future ,if you give yourself time to grow more attached, it could be worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Miss, I feel this guy is confused with his feelings for you and doesnt know how to express that. Therefore, I feel he is immature and uncertain of what he wants out of the situation. Either he wants a relationship or doesnt, there shouldnt be any grey areas and no chases. Dont chase this guy. Immature men shouldnt be worth any woman's time.
Regards
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