A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for about 2. We met when we were teens, and I admit for the past several several years I have had some intimacy issues...I have had an extremely difficult time opening up sexually and initiating. Though when we met he had a personal interest in porn, it didn't resurface until these intimacy issues became constant...I do admire my husband for staying with me through these issues as I can only imagine how difficult that must be, although I have always felt he has remained with me due to his lack of confidence, since during the course of our relationship, every time another girl has expressed an interest in him, he ends it with me. I feel he only "loves" me when he has nothing else... Anyway, A couple years ago I finally decided to get some professional help and I improved immensely. I am still not where I should be but these intimacy issues are DEFINITELY no where where they use to be. My husband has always blamed his interest in porn on these issues...he claims feeling unwanted, unloved...etc. That I can understand. Except for recently...since our sex life has improved TREMENDOUSLY, things in the bedroom have been fabulous to say the least. My issue is that he still watches porn...even a day after we are intimate. This confuses me. I haven't talked to him about how I am aware of what's going on as this is "normal" behavior for him, but it's definitely bothering me. I am to the point where I am questioning his character and desire to spend his life with me. I realize that our past has been less than awesome but I am to the point where I can no longer blame myself for what's gone on. I can only look forward. I sense he is still not happy with me, even after I have given him everything he has asked of me. I am also to the point of just ending this relationship myself. Thoughts? Ideas? Advice? Suggestions? Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): You allowed him and others to convince you that his porn use had something to do with 'deficiencies' in his real life. Now that you have disproven this lame theory, you are stuck with a guy who is basically a porn user and/or addict... as he has probably always been. Porn use (as a lifestyle) is a deal breaker for me for a variety of reasons. You have to decide whether you can tolerate it or not.I am a romantic at heart with a very passionate nature. I am not a prude in my looks or attitudes... I simply just don't see the point in having to sell myself out so that my man can do whatever it is he would do/does with porn. For me, there would be no reason whatsoever to remain married to him if he hasn't made up his mind who his *uck buddy is yet. I figure 15 years of marriage is enough time for him to make he mind up...When Iearned about his porn usage... it literally was one of the biggest turn offs. I began to see him as weak and weird. I saw him as being very gross... I didn't see it as virile, or masculine... I saw it in the very opposite light. I saw someone who didn't think very much of himself... I saw someone who was broken sexually and who desired the ugliness of porn. I never felt naked in front of him... until the porn ordeal.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I just can't understand your 'dilema'. If you are asking whether you should leave your husband because of porn? I'd ask myself this: would I rather he go get it off with a hooker and get a std and ruin both of our lives?He was watching porn before, he watches porn being with you, and he will watch porn after you. Women who refuse to accept this fact of life simply refuse to face the truth at face value - that men are men. And that's 1 of the reasons you choose him to begin with - if he was a whimpy and inexperienced man, he would have been classified as gay, or a friendzone guy in your maiden mind!......I would personally suggest you skim over the porn issue, if you can't tolerate it then what can I say, just let him enjoy it at least. It means 'avoiding the issue' perhaps - but think of it as a compromise instead. After in a relationship there'll have to be some compromises. If he's still not happy, everything else being equal, I just don't see what else you can do.
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