A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. So I met this guy Mark a while ago via my next door neighbor Andrea (we were hanging out once and she invited him). The night I met him we were really into each other and I ended up going home with him. My neighbor made him promise that he wouldn't sleep with me and that he would be good. He tried to stick to the promise and we were supposed to just cuddle but I initiated the sex and we had an amazing time. He told me that I was the best he ever had and the best he was ever gonna have and he even joked - my god will you marry me? - after I gave him a really good bj (sorry for the details but it gives some context). We have been hooking up ever since and I think I'm falling for him. He texts me throughout the day and sometimes we hang out and watch movies and hang out with his friends. We have a lot of sex though and I give to him A LOT and he is crazy for it. However a while ago he told me that he recently got out of a relationship and has been in relationships since he was 14 so he doesn't want to commit right now and wants to be free. This kind of bothered me so yesterday I met up with him and told him that I don't know what to do, that I really like him and don't want to get hurt yet I respect that he wants his freedom. So maybe I shouldn't see him anymore. Also, that I don't want to be just some girl that he "banged" several times and that when I am with someone it is because I really care about them. He told me that he does care about me too and that he enjoys spending time with me apart from the sex and that I am an amazing girl. He just doesn't know what to do as well because he is fed up with all the relationship drama. He suggested that maybe we just see where this goes and not put labels on anything, but that we still hang out and do fun stuff together, not just sex. I said OK let's try it and that I understand he needs his space and I need my space too. Then we went to hang out with his friends and Andrea at a bar and had fun and then went back to my place and had really passionate sex. As I lay on his chest he told me - don't fall for me though, I don't want you to get hurt. And I said I won't but in my heart I knew I already did. Now my question is - should I continue seeing him or will I get hurt? Do you think he will commit to me or is he just bs-ing and trying to keep me around for the sex? Is there a way I can win him over? He said he is not sleeping with anyone else. (He is 24 and I am 25).
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): This answer might be a little late for you, but here it goes anyway.I have to say, I agree with most of the people who have responded to you.It is well within your rights if you want to sleep with a guy within a few hours of meeting him for the first time. But this isn't conducive to starting a real relationship. The "courting" process, which is essential to the establishment of long-term relationships, has been developed over thousands of years of human evolution. It doesn't always work, but it works most of the time, and that's what it has stuck around -- that's how nature works! The man, seeking to earn sexual relations with you, woos you you over a period of weeks if not months. Whether he wins you over or not, the man unwittingly forms an emotional bond with you during this process. (This emotional bond leads the particularly intense heartbreak that many men experience when they are ultimately rejected in their campaign to win you over, and the subsequent "pining" that they feel for several weeks.)Sure, modern dating rituals have shortened this courting process considerably, and this has lead to various issues. Research shows that women form a chemical emotional bond to a man after a single night of engaging in sex and sleeping beside him. The process of forming a bond of the same magnitude often takes longer in the man, requiring repeated exposure to her pheromones. (Men tend to be attracted to multiple females at once, but repeated exposure to a single woman's pheromones during courting rituals can "elevate" her and promote an emotional bond to her. It is a self-propagating phenomenon: the more he sees you, the more he tries to win you over.)While the conclusions of such research are not "hard and fast" and certainly represent a broad generalization, your situation seems to exemplify these results. After you slept with "Mark", you started "falling for him" almost instantly. However, "he doesn't want to commit right now and wants to be free" (i.e. his emotional bond to you is not there yet). He says that "maybe we [should] just see where this goes and not put labels on anything", meaning that he enjoys your physical company but doesn't really love you (at least not yet). When he says, "don't fall for me though, I don't want you to get hurt", it sounds like he is leaning away from loving you. If he were emotionally bonded to you, why would he say such a thing?There is a difference between experiencing someone and courting someone. You have opted for the former, which is perfectly fine, but I think you really want the latter.I just wanted to provide another viewpoint on your situation. As for suggestions, most of the comments below provide good ways for you to proceed. Certainly, the ball is in your court.If you feel up to it, please provide us with an update on your situation.All the best to you, and happy New Year.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 December 2013):
Generally speaking, if you sleep with a guy the first day you meet him, at best you will be a short term booty call. Be thankful that he had enough character to tell you so.As far as a relationship with him, you have a better chance of winning the lottery.....twice.....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 He is being 100% up front with you.
He's very clear that you are just fun and games... that is all. The second you get clingy and needy he will be gone.
AND as long as you have sex with him you will care more and more and as such will get needy and clingy...
IF you get hurt at this point dear one it's ON YOU. He's been 100% up front.... he does not want to be serious with you...he does NOT want a relationship with you.
YOU having sex with him will NOT change that for him.
If you want ANY hope of winning him over for a REAL boyfriend... you must do two things.
1. BACK OFF... do not call him, do not text him, do not ask to see him. do not stalk him.... WAIT FOR HIM TO COME TO YOU...
2. do not have sex with him
if you can do these two things you may stand a chance of getting him to come around.
My husband always told me the reason he was able to fall in love with me was because I left him alone to do it in his own good time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): Ever heard, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"You initiated sex on a Day 1. Even after you told him that his comment about not committing bothers you, you still gave him sex. In his mind, it doesn't matter what he says or does, you have demonstrated to him you are going to give him sex anyway. As a guy, I can say that I probably wouldn't commit to you under such circumstances. I'm just being honest here. I look for more than just sex in a relationship, but if I am getting lots of sex and affection without lifting a finger, then why risk altering such a swell arrangement by doing anything differently? Guys only take risks when they want something, but this guy is already living the good life, all thanks to you.Try not giving him any sex or other girlfriend-like benefits unless he commits to you. You say that you don't want to just be that girl he "banged" a few times. Then don't be! Having his love (and not just his penis) seems to be important to you, so make it happen. Right now, he has no reason to commit to you, as you are giving him everything a guy needs without any strings whatsoever. The only strings here are your heart strings, which I think are going to get snapped sooner or later, if you carry on like this without making a change.On the same note, guys like a good chase, and they tend to get swept off of their feet by one. Soon, a girl as nice as you but who gives much more of a chase might come along and sweep him off his feet!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2013):
 Well you slept with him on the first night you met, so I don't really blame him for thinking you are JUST fine with this casual sex thing.
But IF you have developed feelings (and it looks like you have) then I think it's kind of unfair of you to all of a sudden expect a relationship. BECAUSE YOU all of a sudden want one.
If he isn't ready then DO NOT have sex any more. Let him figure out WITHOUT sex if he wants to be with you or not. You can hang out but if he puts the move on you or try and initiate you GO HOME.
And If he doesn't, then NEXT time don't HAVE sex with a guy the first night if you are looking for a BF/ someone to date. Because it's like shooting yourself in the foot.
Having SEX right away doesn't make a guy think UH SHE NEEDS to be my GF!! No it makes a guy think, Uh she is giving it up for "free" - cool. I'll keep her around til I find greener grass or til she starts making demands.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): Well…you decided to sleep with him after knowing him for a short time, so you knew there was a possibility for hurt, since you hadn't many (or any) serious conversations. (I'm not judging btw, a lot of us have been there).Are you enjoying the sex? If it's making you happy…then that's a good thing! Definitely don't do it just because you think it will make him like you or whatever. But it doesn't sound like that has been the case.Agreeing to exclusively sleep together is a very good step.I can kind of understand where he's coming from…relationships can be very stressful. Obviously he wasn't looking for one, but he found you and it sounds like he likes you a lot. If you're okay with him not wanting anything "serious", then by all means just keep doing what you're doing.But if you're not, you can tell him that you don't want to sleep together any more if you're not in a relationship. (You have to mean it when you say it though).Then the ball's in his court; he can decide to commit to you (which he may very well do, even though he sounds nervous about it), or he will decide not to and then you can both move on with your lives.His one comment--"don't fall for me though, I don't want you to get hurt"--kind of threw me off though. Like, is he planning on leaving you? Or is he just acknowledging that whenever two people are involved, there is a lot of potential for hurt, regardless of whether or not you're in a "relationship"?Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do. I hope this guy can wake up and realize how great you are…and if he doesn't, then I think you're better off without him :)merry christmas!
...............................
A
female
reader, 123Peterpan  +, writes (24 December 2013):
Hey,Unfortunately, the first mistake (sleeping with him on the first outing) has caused this relationship to fail from the get go. He will never truly commit to you, unless you gain your power back. The sex you give him is too good for him to take you seriously otherwise. You need to LEAVE this relationship. It sounds like he's stringing you along. He wants you to be a hook up/ escort, which from the sounds of things you don't want to be. He sounds quite immature and he's sending you mixed messages. The reason why I say this is because IF he JUST wants a hook up why would he invite you to hang out with his friends. A hook up only appears at night, not over dinner. He's confusing you and himself. I understand why you're confused and struggling to understand the mixed messages. LEAVE him, it will make you more desirable. AND WHEN he comes crawling back, which he will, make a few demands that you want such as: sex no more than twice a week; blow jobs only on special occasions; a proper relationship where he stays faithful.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): "should I continue seeing him or will I get hurt?"If you're waiting for a guy who told you he wanted his freedom after you threw yourself at him to offer you anything more than what he's already getting from you, then you will get hurt."Do you think he will commit to me . . ."No, he's told you flat out that he doesn't want to commit to you and in any event he'd have nothing to gain since he's already getting what he wants from you. "or is he just bs-ing and trying to keep me around for the sex?"Very likely he's just stringing you along for the sex, but he only way to find out for sure is to stop putting out for him and see how long it takes for him to disappear."Is there a way I can win him over?"No. As previously stated he has no reason to offer you anything more since you have nothing more to offer him. As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free." Or in cruder terms: Once a fuck buddy, always a fuck buddy. "He said he is not sleeping with anyone else."It may be true, but keep in mind that guys will SAY whatever they think a girl wants to hear in order to get laid. Since you threw yourself at him and have continued to put out for him, he's going to SAY whatever he thinks will keep the gravy train rolling. Given that he hasn't made a commitment to you he is free to sleep with as many other partners as he chooses. When are chicks ever going to figure it out? If there's any chance you might want a serious relationship with a guy, then don't sell yourself cheap by hopping into the bed with him. The word "no" is your currency, and if a guy is truly interested in pursuing a serious relationship then the longer you hold out the more he will have to offer you.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (24 December 2013):
Well you initiated the sex on the first meet.He probably sees you as a Friend with benefits who will give him the sex he craves when he wants it.He clearly doesn't want to commit to you seriously and your falling for him already!.It's all about sex for him and how do you know he's not sleeping with someone else as well.You're going to get hurt i'm afraid.
...............................
A
female
reader, Paper Sky +, writes (24 December 2013):
 "My neighbor made him promise that he wouldn't sleep with me and that he would be good. He tried to stick to the promise and we were supposed to just cuddle but I initiated the sex and we had an amazing time."
What a ridiculous statement.
I'm sorry, but it's painfully obvious that this guy is only after sex. Saying "let's not put a label on things" is code for "i don't want to be in a relationship with you".
I've been in a similar situation and trust me, he only wants sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): Try going on dates with no sex attatched. See hwo he reacts... if he stops texting, then you have your answer.
...............................
|
