A
male
age
36-40,
*rt55
writes:We've been together a year now and in our mid-twenties.She was raised very strict and about 8 months before I met her ended a 2 year relationship with your typical "bad boy" who treated her horribly, pretty much abuse from what I know. I mention this bc she's always been very awkward with sex in our relationship- won't let me touch her "sensitive" area or go down on her bc she feels "dirty". She rarely wants sex too and tells me it's bc she's just not a sexual person and never has been. It really started to get to me and I started blaming myself and thinking she was more into her ex and all the things he probably did to her I don't get to bc he was "the bad boy". I know this was my insecurity doing this and I brought it up to her it had been bothering me. She gets upset talking about it bc she felt trapped and used up after it. She told me when she met me she thought I was too good for her and always tells me I'm everything she ever wanted. I've expressed my concerns about our intimacy and she said she's just always been uncomfortable with her body. I ask if she's even had orgasms bc I don't think she has based on previous experience. She said she has with me. I asked her if she had before me and if it was more often and she said no, she's never felt what she has with me. I don't know if I believe this and I don't know if she ever has had an orgasm bc she can't loosen up. I told her I want to make her feel comfortable and figure out what works for her and she seemed open to reading books to learn about her body, etc. Now, I'm totally cool with standing by her and it could be great if it goes well. However, I worry that maybe if she does come around that she'll just be attracted to the bad boy type and not me. She tells me that everything about me doesn't compare with anything she's had before. I know the ex made horrible comments about her body in the past so I always make sure to praise her body and build her up. What do you all think is going on here and are my fears of her attraction towards the ex-type irrational?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): She has issues that probably need to be worked out with a therapist.
I would be nice to her but I would never feel too sorry for her. She went out and gave herself those issues in order to have some fun as soon as she got the chance. It takes two people to make an abusive relationship. She could have left any time she wanted. If she didn't already have a history of abuse then she has no excuse.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 when men stupidly ask women about their ability to have orgasms with them or their previous partners, they create their own insecurity.
FIXING her is not your problem. Seriously. DO NOT LOVE a woman's POTENTIAL. I see this over and over... you fall in love with an ideal person... the person you are with is not that ideal but you think and hope they can be... and you keep trying to mold them to be what you want and need. Even when they are NOT that person, you hold on to the hope that ONE day they MAY be the person you want, need and love. You get to the point where you convince yourself that they will change. They won't.
She has told you she is not sexual. Some women are not.
YOU can't fix this. She does need counseling and therapy. FOR HER. But she may find she does not like sex. and you have to respect that. Her drive may be very different from your inherently.
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A
female
reader, 123Peterpan  +, writes (24 December 2013):
Hi,
It seems like you're trying your best, but i don't think that's going to work. Unfortunately that relationship is not going to progress well because she's still facing her own demons. She needs to go to therapy. Maybe after she gets help from a professional you guys can date again. You're going to be the one contributing to the relationship while she feels sorry for herself. It's harsh but TRUE.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (24 December 2013):
I think you mare right in your assumption.Women that have been in abusive relationships know no better and think that all men are like that and that's how it is and has become conditioned to the abuse.Abusive men don't care if the woman gets an orgasm or not during sex and it's her duty to please them however rough they are with their women.You sound like a decent guy to me who actually cares about his women partners.You obviously care for her and I would keep reassuring her that not all men are bad and good luck to you.She might be a different woman in the future.
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