A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a single mother to a 4.5 month old baby girl - father disappeared and fled the country. After being months and months away from the dating scene, I finally met a new man recently online - we have seen each other on webcam and stuff - long distance relationship. He is a single father to a 3 yr old. Things were great and rosy for the last 5-6 wks and he made public declarations on my profile page of his love for me..anyway I have been taking it extra slow and probably have not been as forward back but that is cos I am trying to be more sure of him. He wants to fly me over with the baby to him in about a months time - so basically 3 months into dating. I do believe he is in love with me and I am with him as I miss him when he doesn't speak to me. I think he is not sure if I love him as I have been a bit standoffish. A spat happened on my profile where one guy tried to say he was yesterday's news. He said he was todays...and I panicked not knowing what to do as am not used to such predicaments so I ended up doing nothing. In reflection, I apologised to him saying that the guy was way out of line to say that on my page and I should have defended him then BUT the truth is I told him do you mind if I stay out of this feeling way too uncomfy. I told him over the phone at the time and he said it was totally ok but it obviously was not. Anyway a day later, another incident with the same guy trying to split us up happened on my page but my guy didnt help me - just left me to deal with it. I felt SO let down. I still said nothing but sent him a nice loving video to his page which he appeared to like a lot..I just feel he used to post loads on my page until these other guys kept butting in - I said not to let it bother him as am just popular and 0 else. But it clearly does bother him and I have no control over what people post to my page nor do I want to have any control as it is what it is. He told me if I made a :) to a comment it showed a guy that I was interested in him. I said NO. When I :) its just a :) and 0 more. I finally cracked and said to him I am not going to amend my personality just for these people who come to my page. I kept to :) even after he told me about that rule with men....and I guess it pissed him off but thing is I didnt want to lose myself in this relationship either. I think he understood that but now he is absent from my page LOADS because of all this. I feel he is backing off ASAP so I asked him outright but he said that was not the case. I am scared that he is REALLY not that into me as he previously was....he now sparingly tells me he loves me and I never say it now cos I am starting to seriously wonder about him whether this is the case. I convince myself in my mind that he is into me after all he has let his 3 yr old get pretty attached to me and the baby via webcam. I told him I only say I love you when I mean it. I feel we are barely clinging on by a thread. The communication has started to diminish rapidly and we are getting awkward silences a lot. I think he is a good man and all but he never rings and just sends me free txts now. I feel dogged by him as one night I decided to have a virtual party on my profile page and he disappeared altogether. He claimed he fell asleep and I believe him as we both live in two different timezones. Anyway what is bugging the hell out of me is I feel the onus is nearly always on me to ring him and I don't want to do that. I would rather he did the chase and not me and though I tried in earnest to explain that to him he got a bit offended. I said I felt taken for granted and neglected a little. He said how can you. I talk to you 4-6 hrs a day on the phone. If I didn't want you I wouldn't pick the phone to you AT ALL. But calls and length of calls start to get dramatically less and I can't help but notice this. I know we live far away from each other and it can be hard to maintain that way but god. He started adding heaps of unknown chicks to his page cos he seemed a bit fed up and insecure about guys hitting on me on my page. I think he may have done that to make me a bit insecure back I dont know. I told him I felt I was single on my profile page and that it was seriously starting to bother me. I didn't want to feel that way. HOPING he would step in and change that bit as before but he doesnt want to so I said ok fine do as you please. Please can someone advise me whether this can work out now that all this has happened. Sorry to go on. He wants to fly us into him within a month and I am not sure if this relationship can continue given the fact we are getting a bit distant from each other :(
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Listen, this is a fantasy relationship, you met this guy on line and you don't know who he really is, he could be any one, a serial rapist, or worse MARRIED.
STop having web cam relationships on the internet and date real live men in your own city that you can get to know and can talk with in person where you can guage their trustworthiness better and read their body language.
What is wrong with this guy is that he can't get a relationship on his own, so he can "create" a personality and a life for himself and market himself any way he wants on a social web site. He is probably a nut job and you are way better off that he is losing interest in the chase and is now into chasing other women.
He is trolling the internet, you were fun for awhile and now he is bored because you are starting to actually expect something out of him, game over.
Seriously, get a life at home and make some real live friends, and be wary of strangers on the internet, even this site has a few trolls.....that live under a bridge and eat small children.
Stop it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response and sorry you are having a rotten time with it. I agree that I should back off hence me telling him so. He came out with if you want me less maybe I would want you more. I don't know what he means by that and I can only guess its to stop doing as much as you are doing. I told him I wanted the romance of the dating back and said I didn't know why it was fading and wilting quickly like a flower. I don't think he is using me. He told me for the first 3 wks he came out publicly with his feelings on my page which he did but although I thanked him each time he felt that his efforts came across to others as desperate and needy and that was why he started to vanish. I said if that was the case I would have told you to stop then, wouldn't I? instead I felt completely helpless again. I couldn't have been any happier with what he did and felt like I had simply written my feedback responses wrong - too plain and simple with a thank you :). He picked it up at me being hot and cold but I was completely happy with not even a fraction or hint of being cold. He perceived it as me having more then 1 or more man in the background hence being less then forthcoming yet this was not at all how I was feeling. I then told him why oh why did I write as a status update that I was on cloud nine if I was going cold on you. I said I don't want to feel like the one chasing you. I said you are the cheetah, I'm the gazelle, if you got it, bring it...if you don't tell me..simple. Now I have backed off completely - gutted at our totally different views. There is nothing I can do - it is what it is...but I think I have done more then enough in terms of calls and stuff and I don't want any other man either. So it sucks. Any other suggestions??? and thank you once more for any responses that I do receive.
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A
male
reader, gaitondelaude  +, writes (20 August 2010):
Hello hope you are fine..REading your long letter I feel that you might be trying a little too hard to get the guys attention. Let her be and he will come back to you. I shouldnt be the one giving you suggestions when I myself am being used by a girl. I am doing all the chasing and all the effort and believe me girl its of no use. This guy will never know your worth unless you let him go. You are a girl and I am sure that there are number of guys who would like to hook up with you.I suggest you date a number of guys and then pick the guy you would like to out the most. I know its difficult when you like a person, but believe me if you like a person its 100% guarantee that he will not like you the same way, I dont know why it is this way, its just soo funny how relationships are actually.. I knew this the hard way and now I am really angry and feel resentment when I put all the effort, went out of my way to please her, and then she doesnt even acknowledge, girls are like that and you need to be this way.Hope I could help a bit..take care..
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