A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A quick question for you all: Hadn't heard from this guy I had a crush on, in 5 weeks, then all of a sudden I get a beautifully worded text. All it did was apologise for the lack of contact, he had been very busy and asked how things were with me. Anyway to the question, we had never dated and I am still unsure if he fancies me or just wants to be friends and after 5 weeks I had given up hope that he even wanted to keep in contact with me and may have even started to like someone else. So now I am confused, because I feel that my feelings are going to turn back on, I REALLY like the guy but maybe he is just being really polite and not interested at all!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 Your follow up wasn't flagged as having come from the OP so I didn't realise there had been a follow up until i was going through old posts. Hence my delay in responding.
'Let's get lunch soon' sounds a bit non commital to me so I would respond with something like 'Sounds great :)'. That answer is both receptive to an invitation, yet equally non commital. It lets him know you'd be pleased to get together, but not devastated if you don't and that it will be up to him to set something up (or you won't take him seriously). There is no pressure on him to set a date or keep you at bay, which is good for him. And he will figure out that he has to pursue you, not the other way round, which is good for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): So...I finally received a reply to my text, earlier this week. He was apologetic and at the end added: 'Let's get lunch soon! :)'. So now I have no real clue how to reply. I mean what does that phrase even mean?! I would have thought he might at least have given me some dates! Anyway, thought I should keep you up to date, and let me know if you do have any thoughts on what I should text back. Thanks, OP
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 October 2012):
There is nothing wrong with asking about his job and answering his questions. That's what normal conversations look like in polite society. I did recommend you be pleasant enough that he felt comfortable contacting you again and to sound busy and upbeat and unaware of the passage of time. I don't think you have anything to beat yourself up for here.
I also strongly agree with not coming across as angry, for the same reasons you gave. That would be worse than gushing all over him. The guy really hasn't done anything wrong. He just has different priorities and I wanted you to adjust yours so that he wasn't at the top of the list.
He obviously likes you enough that after several weeks apart, he contacted you out of the blue. We don't really know what he thinks or feels beyond that, so there is no benefit in burning any bridges. For your own mental clarity, assume he just likes you as a friend and move on with your life.
It might When these kinds of feelings are involved it can be difficult to see your interraction clearly. So picture how you are with other friends then be that way with him.
I'm pretty tired so I hope this makes sense.
Good luck and night night.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): So after 3 days with no reply to my latest text, (clearly he hasn't learnt his lesson,) is it bad I feel a little bit gutted and angry? I think I might have to presume that he is not interested. Which is very annoying! Anyway hopefully someone better will come along! Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice, and I might keep you posted :) OP
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 October 2012):
'Left guessing' as in him doing the chasing. I don't mean string the guy along, but don't make her interest so apparant that he can string her along either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012): I'd like to just add something that I don't think has been mentioned. I know it is not good that it took him do long to text you, but he still text YOU! After 5 weeks, so you must have been on his mind at some point. Most of the boys I know would not reply after 5 weeks as it had been too long or they were ignoring you as they weren't interested, and a some of them are polite well brought up boys. If he is as busy as you say, I'd like to think that is a better indicator of interest than you seem to feel it is.
Take what you want, if you really want him- he is communicating with you when he really didn't have too, see where it leads.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, grymsoul  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 Op, I am sorry that your prior attempts to court a guy has yielded unsatisfactory results. The guys you have approached were either lttle boys who are afraid of a strong woman or was not attracted to you. You now know what most guys face when they approach women. It is never an easy task to be the one to initiate interest.
My second girlfriend made me fall blindly in love with her simply because of the fact SHE was the one who tried to snag me. At first, I did try to ignore her but then I realized how attractive her strong personality was. She was the type to go after what she wanted no matter what. She even made it clear to a girl that was talking to me that I was already hers, and that was before I even knew her last name. Ofcourse, I did have an attraction to her in the beginning, something that I was too young and stubborn to reveal. She eventually forced it out of me with her persistant ways.
I understand that you don't want to seem desperate in his eyes. I also understand why you might feel inferior because he seems successful. But he is nothing if he can't see what a wonderful woman you could be for him. That's how you should treat these situations. If he can't find the interest in you then he isn't worth your time at all.
There ARE plenty of fish in the sea. But maybe try fishing for this one before going to a different lake. If he bites then you'll be happy that your efforts weren't wasted. If he refuses to take the bait then you'll be relieved that you csan finally move on and find a better catch.
Good luck, OP. I sincerely hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012): Hi All, Thank you so much for all the advice. It is very kind of you to take the time to help me figure this all out. grymsoul - I completely see where you are coming from. I did text him back yesterday. My text was jokey about the lack of contact, and the methods he could use in future, I asked questions about his new job and answered his questions. For a while yesterday, I was regretting that style of text, I thought it made me look desperate and I should have probably done something similar to what Ciar suggested. However, in retrospect, reading your post(s) and sleeping on it, I think if I had sent anything else, he would have known I was mad at him and that would have just been awkward and unlikely to ever get me any closer to him. In relation to your comment about me making the first move, the few times I have done this in the past have ended badly, no guy has ever been pleased that I have asked them out and/or declared my liking for them; it has been more an look of revulsion than mutual affection! Also, I have a bit of a confidence issue with this guy, he is very successful, good-looking and unbelievably bright; he could have any girl he wanted. So the little voice in my head is screaming (no matter how much I hope his true feelings are in contrast to this) why would he want to date me! Which is so counter-productive! Therefore making it difficult for me to be brave enough to make a move. I think the crux of the matter is I don’t want to seem a pain or a chore, which is pathetic really. No guy has ever made me feel I should be acting this way, any other guy, I would have walked away now, deleted all details and moved on (like I have done with the others) as I am a career girl who normally doesn’t give two hoots about what people think. But my gut tells me differently in this case…and I have trusted my gut before and it is not often wrong. However that does not mean I will be waiting around for forever. If he doesn’t apply promptly to my last text, I will send one to make sure he is ok, and if he doesn’t reply to that either I will just walk away. There are plenty more fish in the sea (as the saying goes) it is just very difficult to give up someone you have held a flame for, for quite a while. OP
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (14 October 2012):
Also, everyone seems to be forgetting the most important factor when they say "He's never too busy to call or text if he really likes you."
The OP is doing the SAME THING in this situation. She's also not too busy but she still hasn't contacted him (that wasn't meant to sound harsh OP). She just doesn't want to feel like an annoyance to him, something that he too may be feeling at the moment. A feeling that grows stronger everyday neither one of them makes that call. Why is it we always think that the man should do all the moves? This is why there are so many women wondering why he moves on to someone else.
Op, he could just be shy or not very confident. How can we accuse him of not liking you when you're doing the exact same thing as him and not contacting either? Go the direct path and find out for youself whether he feels the same or not. Giving up will only leave you wondering if there was truly anything there or not. When you're direct, at least you know what to do from there on out.
Sometimes you have to pull the trigger to find out if there's a bullet in the chamber or not. You can't just walk away from the gun assuming that the clip was empty just because it never shot itself.
Meaning: Sometimes you're going to have to be the one to initiate interest to find out whether there's potential for a relationship or not. You can't just walk away from the situation assuming that he never really cared because he wasn't the first one to make a move.
My Anology Of The Day. :)
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (14 October 2012):
I agree with Ciar for the most part except about the section where it's best for the both of you, he's the one left guessing.
I don't see how this makes it better for both of them. Take it from a guy, this annoys us, so I don't see how this would improve the situation. If anything, it will just frustrate him and chase him away, whether he likes you or not.
If he's too busy to talk then intentionally playing hard to get won't change anything. It will only make it easier for him to stay out of contact.
You want sincere advise? Be honest with your feelings. Tell him you like him. This is something that men want to hear. I absolutely hate it when a woman likes you but never lets it on that she does. Many guys feel the same way.
I know it may be intimadating to show your true affections but playing mind games will only complicate the situation more. If you want immediate results, you have to take the direct path. This way you'll know for sure if you should move on or have a relationship.
And yes, if he was truly interest then he would make more time for you. Though, this isn't always the case with guys. He may think that you were only joking about the flirting part. The fact that you haven't even called or texted him may have even concreted the thought that you weren't interested. This is the same way you're feeling right now. This is why I said that you turning the tables on him won't make anything better.
Instead of playing with his mind, call him and ask him out. This is the era where women have the potential to become president of the united states. So there's nothing wrong with a woman asking a guy out on a date instead of the other way around. No, you won't seem pestering or annoying if you called to check up. Infact, by not doing so, you may have already made him feel that you weren't interested.
I am not saying that he couldn't have picked up a phone and done the same but if someone doesn't do it then you'll both always be hanging in limbo wondering where to go from there. Take the intiative. Ask him out. Do you want to be the damsel in distress or do you want to be the girl who he feels can take care of herself and go after what she wants?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2012):
 No one is so busy they can't either pick up the phone and call you or pop a text. At least NOT if they are interested..
It'd just keep this strictly professional.
Also starting a new job is all good and fine, but still it only takes a couple of minutes to shoot a text off, if he was interested.
You might also consider if he is going to be working 00 hour weeks, he isn't really going to have much time for dating at all.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 October 2012):
Your incessant flirting has made it clear to him exactly how you feel. Most people are busy and BondGirl is right, sending a text takes seconds. If he were that keen on you and didn't know where he stood he would have made a point of contacting sooner and a little more often.
He may be mildly interested, but he clearly has other prioirities. So I suggest you adjust your expectations, and his place in your life, accordingly.
If you haven't already answered his text then I suggest you don't rush and when you do, be pleasant but brief. Don't try to match the tone (or length) of his. Be pleasant enough that he feels comfortable approaching you again, but not enough to be sure of your intentions. Act as though you have been so busy and happy yourself that you hadn't noticed the passage of time, but that's it's nice to hear from him.
It is best for both of you that he be the one left guessing instead of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Hi all, Thank you for the answers! No, I have not stated my interest, nor has he. However we saw each other a lot on a professional basis for a number of months, and by a lot I mean two or 3 times a weeks for extended periods and one on one. I incessantly flirted with him and he flirted back, we did get very close. I can completely understand how he has been busy, he has just started a high-level corporate job, and probably works more than 100 hours a week (he is 6 years older). If it wasn't for the job he has started I would have walked away because, such a long silence is quite inexcusable for any other reason! However I too have a similar style job and I work very long hours, so... To address another point. No I did not text him, as I thought it is on him if he wants to get into contact he will, and due to the fact I had no real foundation to stamp my feet and demand attention as we had never discussed exactly where we stand. I also didn't want to seem like I was pestering and being a pain. Thanks for the wonderful advice!
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (13 October 2012):
Lets be realistic. You did say that you don't even know if he likes you and by the sound of it, you haven't told him you like him either. So why would he be obligated to keep in contact with you?
A lot of girls make this mistake of waiting for the guy to initiate confirmation of interest and then they're confused on why he moves on to someone else. If you guys were dating then I can see the lack of communication being a problem but until one of you step up and show interest, then there probably really is something else he is busy with. There's nothing wrong with that.
Also, have you been trying to reach him? You didn't say if you were so I'd assume not. Since YOU know you like him, it would make more sense for you to initiate a request to hang out sometime instead of waiting for him to do it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 October 2012):
 The cynic in me asks what he was doing for these past 5 weeks? Was he busy with something he's neglected to mention... or was he dating someone else and it didn't work out?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Personally, I think 5 weeks is a bit long, and even if he was "busy", how long does it take to send a text? An email? Give you a call? Realistically, I'd say find someone who is more attentive and who let's you know he is interested without question.
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