A
female
age
30-35,
*sh123
writes:So, I've just started university a few weeks ago and it's turned my life upside down. I'd say I'm sad and it's all too much, but in a sense I feel like rather than turning my life on its head, it's simply brought more things into clear light for me.I've been with my boyfriend now for around 3 years, I'm young still (18) and at times I do think I've missed out on being young (he's pretty controlling, makes snide comments if I go out drinking/always disliked my friends), but at the same token I have had happy times and I'm not one to regret choices I make as a whole. I had another boyfriend before this so in affect I've been in a relationship (give or take) none stop since I was 15. The prior boyfriend was much less serious though, so I did still go out etc!Anyway, me and my boyfriend were quite happy for a long time. We've had a few rather large stumbling blocks (as all long term relationships do), he has cheated in a night club and then befriended the girl afterward (claiming this was okay because they both decided it was a mistake anyway - woop dee doo), and he has also texted a few girls in a flirtatious manner, leading one time to a girl asking him out and us nearly breaking up. I've not been perfect either, I can be quite moody and since I've started working I can see I'm probably quite preoccupied and tired.Here's the thing, he's begun being very moody and distant via text (I'm lucky if I see him once a week). He does ask every now and again to go shopping (but only if he NEEDS something i.e a new shirt etc), but if I'm at work/working for uni I have to decline. So it tends to be me driving over after work once a week to see him, he sometimes visits but whenever he does he just makes snide remarks about how he's lucky he even got to my house because I'm 'just far too busy for him'. So far I'm sure it sounds like he's obviously just a lonely boyfriend taking it out by being moody/cheating etc, BUT at these times we saw each other virtually every day. Now he always says I'll be cheating/finish with him for another man etc. Thing is, I'm starting to resent the living daylight out of him. It's at the point now where I avoid seeing him because he is so grumpy, if he isn't claiming I'm a horrific girlfriend, he tells me how terrible university is, or how much work he has. We never, ever do anything positive anymore, we rarely laugh together, go out together, and although he would say it's because I'm too busy, it's because a lot of the time his invites are so much on his terms it's hardly worth going (go shopping for him then go to KFC for example). The last time he made a REAL effort he paid for a weekend away, we went out for one meal and he continuously told me how shit of a time he was having and how I'm just too posh, how he doesn't want to be there etc etc. So the next day we didn't eat because 'he was so full from the previous evening'. I see this all so much worse now that I'm at uni, I'm struggling to make friends because I'm so low, I get so anxious and sad at times about how lonely I feel in the situation that I just avoid contact. I have one male friend who I see a lot, and I feel like I'm in a relationship 4x more intimate than mine and my boyfriends, we talk about things, laugh, walk around, eat, it's so much more comfortable.Am I totally stuck here, or am I just being impatient with the transition? He'd be heartbroken if I ever broke up with him, but his constant control and negativity is weighing my true personality down, I can't remember the last time I felt my funny, quirky self around him. I even avoid getting new tattoos/clothes because I know he'll hate them.What should I do?
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female
reader, ssh123 +, writes (13 October 2012):
ssh123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your responses so far, it's very much appreciated. I'd like to clarify however he didn't sleep with any one else, just kissed a girl in a night club.Either way, it needs some serious consideration. It's just been such a long time together that you always think of the happy times, but I still think I'm holding on to a habit.Any more advice please feel free, thanks all for your honesty and thoughts. X
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 I think you summed it up it your opening and closing paragraphs. You're seeing things more clearly and you realise you can't be your true self with your boyfriend.
His unrepentant cheating, continued friendship with the woman he cheated with, his constant sullenness, and attempts to control and belittle everything you do are destructive. Yes, I'm sure you have your flaws. We all do, but comparing yours to his is like comparing a fly to a rhinoceros.
Spending so much time with him before blinded you to this. You couldn't see the forest for the trees. Being away in university and having so many other options has helped you see what you couldn't before.
Even if he made the effort to se you every day, and bought you everything you wanted, 'his constant control and negativity is weighing my true personality down' is reason enough to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): I know someone who stayed in a terrible relationship from when they were 14 to 20. He too cheated on her, told her she was shit to be around and that no one else would have her and made her feel like staying with him was all she had in life. He told her if she went out at uni he would find out and be angry because if she had time for that she should get the train to see him.
She wished she broke up with him much sooner, he controlled her by manipulating her feelings and it is very similar situation to your boyfriend. Uni will be amazing but not if he is putting negativity on you for your whole time there.
There are situations in life where you have to do things for yourself and no one else, it's not selfish because it is best for you at that time. Breaking up with him will not break his heart, he has slept with one other woman you know about, if he loved you he would not have done that and wouldn't be treating you the way he is now.
If he asks is there a guy, even telling him no he will probably think there is and you have to say to yourself "who cares!" Once he is out of your life enjoy the freedom to be happy and not have the weight if anxiety hanging over your head.
If he is even more similar to my friends ex, he will put on the false charm and smiles and he will say sorry like its going out of fashion. We supported her in staying the hell away from him and hopefully you will ignore him and focus on meeting friends at uni. Block him on Facebook and if possible block his number. Tell your family if he contacts them that he treated to badly and you do not want to hear his rubbish.
Uni will be incredible, it's going to be life changing and you will make friends, go to any events and chat to the people who share your halls as often as you can.
You will look back on your time with him and wonder why you let him treat you this way for as long as he has, don't let it go on for longer. A relationship should be fun, you should laugh lots and enjoy each other. When things get tough a partnership is when you are there for each other, supporting instead of judging. Being with him isn't making you happy any more and that's why you should think of yourself and tell him it's over.
Best of luck and good luck at uni
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 October 2012):
 He wants out but at the same time keeping you in case his other dates don't work out. He also doesn't like the fact that you will pick a better man than him, hence the control. The negativity is also used to punish you should you think about leaving him. When he flirts and befriends girls, he is already lining up a new relationships. You complained that you don't do fun things together anymore so he paid for this trip. He hated that he had to put in effort to just keep you on the string. He pretended to have a bad time on the trip blaming on the fact that the relationship is no longer good. He was doing this to show you he's the one working on the relationship while you are always the one complaining, never taking into consideration that he messed up and needs to regain your trust. He is also spending time with you to make you think that he's the dedicated and you are busy. So it's all you you you not him. It is not a college transition you think, it is a transition to a break up. But instead of owning up to his mistakes, he is making you the bad guy. College did not break up your relationship. You stayed with the wrong guy too long.
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