A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HI, I need advice please as I am a bit lost. I've started dating a really lovely man who treats me wonderfully but, just as things were starting to get serious between us, his mother unexpectedly died. He had to cancel a date at short notice - of course I completely sympathised and told him not to worry about me in any way at all. But he rearranged just over a week later. Obviously this was a tricky date - I did as much as I could to show him I really cared - I genuinely do although I never knew his mother at all - without in any way 'smothering him' and told him to take all the time he needed to sort stuff out but that I was there if he needed to talk with me. It has been a month now since the rearranged date and he had contacted me to make another date for today - but he did not turn up! I texted him and asked if he was okay and maybe I got the wrong time/day and he phoned me immediately, full of profuse apologies - honestly I've never known him to apologise so many times in one conversation. He then said he did not have his diary with him - he was out - but could we meet next week when it suited me...I told him to just contact me when he got back home. I'm really not sure what I should do now - I know I was a total mess for ages after both of my parents died and I don't want him to feel guilty in any way at all about what has happened...but we've not been dating long enough for me to really comfort him like a long term partner and I know he's had to spend a lot of time at his mother's home at the other end of the country. On the other hand, I was treated so badly in the past that I'm probably on 'red alert' re. any signs of being mucked around. I just want him to take all the space and time he needs, but I'm not sure that this should involve forgetting to meet with me! Really confused so any advice most welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Thanks so much for responding, I was terribly confused but I think that you are right and that I will just give him time - hopefully in future he will appreciate that I did not respond badly.
I am so sorry to hear about your own loss and also very sorry to hear about what happened with your husband. I know you haven't asked for help or advice but maybe try to bear in mind what you said to me - that grief can make people behave really strangely. It is such a shame that your husband has not understood that your pain was so enormous and confusing that you behaved out of character. I do hope he understands with time.
Thanks again.
A
male
reader, HotGeek  +, writes (12 September 2012):
You've never seen his mother and you don't really know what kind of a relationship it was, hence you don't know what he's going through.
Be patient! C'mon, this is not at all a regular situation. And don't be pushy, perhaps he wants to be alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): hi hun , i can see where this poor man and also yourself are coming from.I lost my father 4 months ago and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer , i have been with my husband for 16 years and love him with all of my heart but i kicked him out !!! i dont know why and regret it every day he wont come back to me as he doesnt understand the trauma that im going throuh and to be honest with you neither do i , im sure your man loves you just as much as always but he needs to get his head around this and it might take a while sometimes grief makes us do strange things that even we can't control. just let this man know that you are gonna be there when he needs you and if you are gonna stick around and wait for him just be patient he might need some bereavemnt coucelling to help him throughor he may just need to get through it himself i wish every day that i can take that day back that i kicked my husband out , i dont even know why i did it i just lost my mind for a while ,, dont do any thing rash and give him time and alawys be there for him im sure things will work themselves out and maybe even make your relationship stronger if u can undestand what hes going through and what he needs (time) good luck i hope things work out for you guys x
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