A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a muddle..I have recently got together with a friend of my ex. Myself and my ex split up years and years ago but a couple of years ago when I was at a low ebb and after listening to him tell me all the things I wanted to hear I slept with him. I knew he was with someone but he told me he was unhappy etc. It happened only once and it made me realise what a user he was. Trouble is, a couple of people know about this encounter and I am worried about them telling my new man. I know its my past...but still....any views?
View related questions:
my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, however my friends who I have spoken to about this have told me to say nothing and thinking it through it was 3 years ago and had nothing to do with my current b/f (except my ex and new fella are friends). They all say that this so called 'friend' is just stirring trouble but wouldn't actually say anything as he has not been an angel in the past! I don't want to tell my new b/f as I see it as unecessary given the passage of time, the low ebb I was at having just recently been separated. My ex even admitted to one of my friends that he plays on my vulnerability...stupid me fell for it, but now I ahve the measure of him and realise how stupid I was to fall for it. I just wish I could forget about it and I wish others would drop it as well. What I am most worried about is my new b/f thinking I am some sort of person who goes from man to man without a care. My friends say that if he does think that 1) it has nothing to do with him as it is my past and I don't know about his past and 2) he is shallow. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and never would, I just don't want anyone thinking I am a bad person because of this one time and because I knew my ex was in a r'ship (even though he fed me the ususal BS that he was unhappy, trapped, always loved me etc etc etc)...arrgh, I feel like I am going crazy......
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (14 September 2007):
 You should do 2 things. Confront this "friend" (he's no friend of yours). What he thinks is funny, ISN'T. Especially since he's only harassing you, not your ex. Tell him that this "half telling" is BS and he's being a jerk. Ask him directly whether he's trying to tease the information out just to hurt you (because that is what he's doing).
Before this, tell your guy the truth. It's much better if he hears it from you first. It's only happened once. It's not a pattern, and it will never happen again. Yes, it's embarrassing. Especially since you bought your ex's BS. But it happens to people. You were in love once with the guy, you know? Now you know better.
Tell you guy. It's critical. You have to do it before he hears it from someone else. And you really want a chance to put your perspective on it before someone else does. Especially this "friend" jerk.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the update....this all happened 3 years ago and I decided against telling my new man as it's a) in my past and b) nothing to do with him...what I failed to mention is that my new fella is friends with my ex hence some other friends knowing as the ex (when it happened) told everyone for bravado. Anyway, the 'friend' that knows has been dropping big hints in front of me and my new fella that 'he knows something about me' but he isn't going to tell...it's like he is holding a sword over my head just to keep me aware that he has not forgotton. What happened with my ex was wrong as he was with someone (I was single)..but he spun me a big tale about being unhappy etc (as I ow realise - just to get his leg over)! I now see my ex and his wife to be and feel even worse...this 'friend' doesn't hassle my ex...just me! I am so worried that something will be said and my new fella will not see my side (even though it is far in the past and a one off aberration). Any advice?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): I agree with beckto up there its none of any ones buiness except you and your ex's but your past is your past right? and if some one gets upset because of that is it going to change anything? you can't change the past only the future, the past is the past and if your boyfriends got a problem with it thats his problem. I agree though it would be better to hear it from you then a straiger right?
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (18 July 2007):
I'm with Beckto. She's given you excellent advice. Better he hear it from you, in a manner you can control, than from any place else. He should be able to leave the past in the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (18 July 2007):
 Two ideas:
It's no one's business (besides yours and Mr. Ex's), even if they know about it. They should mind their own business. But, we all know that people still talk...
So, I think it's better if he hears it from you first. It's a lot of info to give someone you've recently begun dating, so you have to judge when the right time to tell him is.
What you explained above is very understandable, and doesn't at all sound like a character flaw. Tell him that a few people know some things about you, and you prefer that he hear it from you first, before he would be blindsided by these "friends." Preface it with the fact that it's all in the distant past, and it's become all irrevelant to you now.
You have to decide the right time to tell him, though. Good luck!
...............................
|
