A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A bit long but please read and advice! :(I met my boyfriend at work. We work in the same department. He was separated from his wife (they are yet to divorce) while I was single when we first met. We started out as friends and then gradually sparks flew. We connected in a way that I haven't connected with any other man before. Soon, we started dating.Everything was going on well. We did fight quite a bit, but we made up very soon. He apologizes when its his fault and I apologize when its mine. We get along really well and everytime we are together we have a blast.The other day I was at his place, and he was on the computer. We had ordered in and when he went to the door to collect the food, I saw that he got a new email. I am not someone who would spy on her boyfriend but that day I clicked on the mail. And I was shattered when I saw that its from another woman telling him she loves him and wants to be with him forever. I quickly went through his inbox and saw that he too has been saying that he loves her too.When he got back to the living room, I confronted him. He panicked but he sat me down and explained it to me.She was an old friend of his and they got dating online through chats 8 months before we met (we have been together for 4 months). She lives in another country. And then I came into his life and we got together. He said he has been meaning to break up with her as soon as possible. She lives in another country and they havent seen each other for a couple of years. I asked him why he told her he loves her as he tells me the same thing. He said its me he loves and he says he just says it to her. He was really upset and almost cried telling me its me who he wants.I told him I need time to think. We are on a break for 2 weeks and I need to make a decision. I am not in contact with him for now. I am really heartbroken and messed up. I really love him, never loved anyone so much before. I need some advice as to what to do. He told me he's going to break up with her. Should I believe him? He does have a cheating past (its why he is separated from his wife), but we get on so well together and he is just so good with me, we have such good times together and love being in each others company. I feel he really loves me, I can see it through his actions. And I really love him too. Should I give him a second chance?? We work together so thats another thing to consider. What are your opinions??
View related questions:
a break, at work, divorce, heartbroken, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (3 August 2011):
People need a reason to change.
This is a guy who has a history of cheating, so it is the pattern of behaviour that he is comfortable with, and likely to fall back into. It seems he is not secure in relationships, and needs the security of someone else waiting in the wings.
The problem with staying with him is that, if he has been caught building a relationship with another woman online without being honest with you, and you stay with him, you send him a message that he can cross the line with you and that you will forgive him and take him back. This makes it more likely that he will cheat on you down the line. People need a reason to change and if a cheater is given the indication that he can get away with it, why would he change the behaviour he is comfortable with?
This guy probably does genuinely love connecting with you, spending time with you, sharing love and affection, etc. He just loves connecting with other people too at the same, it makes him feel good to be loved. That kind of love isn't a good recipe for a loving realtionship. Get the idea?
The only way he would change is if he loved you in a deeper way, where he realised he actually doesn't want anyone else's love, he only wants yours. If this were the case, actions would speak louder than words, he would end his online relationship, and start getting a divorce from his wife, and would show you the proof of his efforts. Feel free to re-evaluate things if he takes those steps, but until then all the words in the world don't really count for much from his side.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice Denise32! Its going to be really hard for me, but I guess I have to break up with him. Its really sad that he turned out to be this way. Once a cheater, always a cheater I guess.
And anonymous sure unpacked it pretty well. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 August 2011):
 I would not say that someone will NEVER change.
There is always the possibility that he may "see the light" and do an 180 degree turnaround.
However, consider his track record to date. It's not very good, is it? Are you prepared to hang in for five, ten, twenty years to see if he will reform??
As for getting another job, why not begin to put all your efforts into looking for one now? This might take some time before you obtain another position, but might be worth doing.
Otherwise, and in the meantime, all you can do is to be STRICTLY businesslike with this man at work - and, if you choose to, outside of work, make it very clear you are no longer a couple; will have no contact whatsoever after work hours, and refuse to entertain his pleas, protests, excuses, sweet talk. If you can steel yourself to do that -and of course it won't be easy - he will get the message sooner or later.
I'm sorry. I know this is all very difficult and upsetting.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I did have a feeling that there's something wrong as he always was very guarded around his emails and cellphone. I never asked him about it, as I didn't want to evade on his privacy. But that day, I don't know what got over me. I just had to check it, and sadly my hunch was right.
We work together, I sit right next to him :( Right now we are just being professional with each other at work, but every time I see him looking at me, I just feel as if my heart will get ripped apart. I can't change jobs as I need the money. But, will he ever change? Do men like this never change? :( Just can't stop crying.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 August 2011):
Well now. The two of you may indeed get on very well together BUT what about the fact that he is separated - not yet divorced - from his wife? "Separated" is not "single", and he really isn't free to be with you (or anyone) until the divorce is final and he's had (not to mention his wife has had!) an opportunity to sort through his obligations and emotional upheaval divorce usually causes.
Worse still, he has cheated in the past - betrayed his marriage vows and his wife's trust, in other words - which has lead to their splitting up. As if that wasn't bad enough, he's been corresponding with this other woman who lives in another country, telling her he loves her, and so on......then to have the nerve to tell you he "just says it to her" and has been meaning to break up with her.....(the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as the old slogan goes, you know). How much time to break off contact with her does he need? He's been dating you for four months at this point.
It's never a good idea to look at email that doesn't belong to you, but I suppose in this case you found something that demonstrates even further his lack of integrity. If you say you're "not someone who would spy on her boyfriend" why did you? Did you have a sense that something about him just wasn't right?
We don't know how closely you work - are you literally in the same department, maybe a few cubicles away, or on separate floors? You don't want to let this turmoil interfere with your ability to do your job! If you do have some literal space from one another where you work, and don't have to consult with him in carrying out your duties, that would make it easier not to have contact with him......otherwise, I don't know what to say if you're very close workwise. That COULD mean asking for a transfer - if that's possible - or finding another job.
Do YOU think he deserves a second chance?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): lets unpack this:
you are sleeping with a married man who cheated on his wife previously.
he is now cheating on you with another woman but still not divorced from his wife.
.....and he has ahistory of cheating??????
enough said.
LoveGirl
...............................
|
