A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been abused by my husband a couple of times. The last incident I ended up in the hospital,I never told anyone the he did it. I kept him out of jail. After a year of the incident I finally told his boss and his family what happen because I wanted them to remove him for our house before we got into it again. My husband now lets everyone thinks I was lying on him because they always look at him as this perfect guy. Now he will not forgive me for doing that, but I don't think that he is really sorry for what he did if all he cares about is his image. I think if all I did was tell people and not send him to jail he should be thanking his lucky stars. He will not go to counseling about it, he just wants to know how many people I told.I need some advice please. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): You've acted rather foolishly. You had your chance for people to see him as he is, for the state to step in, but he played you.
The tactic of asking his friends and employer to make him leave his home is unrealistic. They are *his* friends. His employer will want nothing to do with his home arrangements (and the employer's lawyer would have a fit if he even tried, it's against so many employment laws).
If you want to get out, then take matters into your own hands. Secretly get yourself a lawyer, secretly provide them the documentation they need for a settlement. Then secretly leave to a secret location. All communication from then on with you husband is through your lawyer, so that your now-very-angry husband cannot find you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): You don't need him to own up to the abuse. That would be nice, but it isn't needed. What you DO need is to be safe and happy.
Predators, which is what abusers are, be they spouse or parent, need privacy and a willing victim (I'll come back to this later). Don't give it to him.
Never, ever, ever, ever isolate yourself when you are in any kind of danger. Ever. You make certain that the people who will come to your aid (police, family, friends) know exactly what is going on as soon as possible. And you never conceal injuries with make up or clothing. Wear what you normally would and if asked about the marks answer honestly and matter of factly. If you're too dramatic people might think you're making it up for attention.
Keep evidence of threats or abuse in a safe place he cannot access (perhaps a safe deposit box at your bank). Keep a log of conversations you have with others about the violence(such as police, medical staff etc). Be sure to include date, time and name of anyone you speak to. Tell your husband what you've done after you set it up.
You know him well enough by now to sense when he's entering one of those moods. Call a trusted friend or family member and advise them of the situation immediately. Arrange for them to call you every 15 minutes, half hour or whatever you feel comfortable with. If they don't speak to you each and every time, REGARDLESS OF THE REASON, they are to assume you're in danger and call police. Then inform your husband of the plan. So if, for example, they call and your husband tells them you're in the shower or at the shop, they simply say 'Fine. The police are on their way.' They are not to get into any debates with him. No bluffing. You must follow through. Your husband has to see that you, and everyone who cares about you, mean business.
Now about the 'willing victim'. You may not like the violence, but like your husband, you have played an active role in creating an environment in which it could occur. Ultimately you are responsible for your own safety and happiness. If you want things to be different, then you are going to have to play an ACTIVE role in making changes.
Stop worrying about what he thinks, how he feels or what might happen to him. He is already doing that and with both of you focused on his well being, who is left to look after you?
Your husband is unlikely to raise his hand to you or anyone else if he knows he'll pay a hefty price for it. Do NOT waste time or effort on long heart to heart discussions with him. It only makes you look weak anyway. Your husband already understands you don't like it and it really doesn't matter who caused the fight in the first place. All he needs to know now is that it won't be tolerated any longer. And he will learn that more keenly when he sees what you DO about it.
I think you should leave this relationship, but if you're not ready to do that then at the very least do what I've suggested.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Is he out of your life completely or just idling by the side? He needs to be your Ex, not someone you hope might reform.
Reform seems most unlikely.
I bet he has belittled you, embarassed you, found fault with every little thing? Undermined you, put you down, tried to exclude you from your friends. He questions where you went, who you saw, who you were with, who you spoke to - and even then he doubts your version. He tries to control the family finances, claiming you're incapable of doing it 'right', meaning 'his way', of course. He can be cruel. He calls you nasty names. He has threatened to break or destroy things that are or were special to you. He showed you disrespect to you.
(how am I doing with my assuming above??)
Potentially all that above, and possibly more???.
And was all that above was even before he laid one abusive finger on you??
Based on what you said, he possibly feels justified in doing the things you did, ti protect you.
Time to stop caring who believes you or not - you know the truth.
Time to stop hoping he will apologise - from now on only communicate with hin through your Attorney, Only.
Time to get your Divorce and Move on.
He has no feelings of guilt about his abusive behavior.
He thinks you 'deserved' what he did to you. So he feels need to apologise to
Because he is not sorry at all. In fact your
abusive husband thinks he is the victim. Which is rubbish.
You are better off without him
It is not safe for you to talk face to face with him any more.
Be thankful that you have split with
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I'm sorry but the only advice i can give you is to report any man who beats you to the police and leave him! He should be in jail. Hurting you so badly you ended up in hospital is horrendous! Trying to advise you on the rights and wrongs of a squabble is irrelevant really. You are missing the bigger picture. And that is that you shouldn't even be arguing with him, he should be locked up for beating a woman. If a 'man' can do that to a woman. Why are you so surprised the same man will lie? Your expectations are unreasonable considering the type of creature he is. You have to wake up and smell the coffee.
With the deepest respect. I think you need counselling. You have to learn the skills and gain the confidence you need to leave this bully. Who you told is irrelevant if it wasn't the police. They are the ones who should know what this man is doing to you.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (2 August 2011):
 You need to leave this guy. You're his wife and he doesn't even have enough respect for you to keep his hands off of you. Why are you still with this guy? No matter how much you love him, he won't love you enough to stop abusing you. If he won't get help for himself, then there's really nothing you can do because there will be no progress made without desire to change. I suggest you stop thinking about him owning up and just divorce the guy. He won't change and you know that. And no abuser deserves a relationship. So get a divorce so you don't have to go through this again. It really doesn't matter how many people you told because there's at least one person besides you who knows you're telling the truth, and they could propably help you. But honestly, don't put yourself through this again. Divorce him.
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