A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 7 months. Like normal couples, we have our petty fights from time to time and have the usual annoyances of living day in, day out with one another, but I truly care about him and after all we have been through, I know he truly cares about me.The issue is not with our relationship per say, but with his boundaries and ethics(and now, my lack thereof.) When we started dating, he left his ex-girlfriend to be with me. Things moved relatively quickly and we settled into a semi-domestic situation, which has suited us quite well.Because he went from being a very open person to be somewhat secretive, I made the fatal error of checking his text messages one day a month or so ago while using his phone. It's not something I am proud of and I know that is is horrible thing to invade someone's privacy, but when we started dating he told me he didn't care if I ever saw anything because he had nothing to hide (and the same went for me, which is fair and helps us to build trust, which is a sensitive issue for me.) Now he is very defensive and angry because I saw that one of his ex-girlfriends (not the recent one) sent him several crazy messages about how he wasn't treating her right and needed to break up with me and be good to her and called him at least 20 times. He claims I am just looking for ways to bust him, but to me if he has nothing to hide from me, it shouldn't be that big of an issue. The fact that he is so defensive about it and quick to temper causes me to question if he is being truthful to me. I can understand being upset because you feel someone is invading your privacy, but I think this situation is special circumstances and had he been upfront with me about it to begin with, I know I wouldn't have even thought about checking his messages because I wouldn't feel like he was intentionally keeping secrets from me. This is the third time I have ever checked his messages, but it is because every time I see his phone, there are tons of suggestive messages from her talking about wanting to see him, saying she saw me out in public and was mortified, etc. He will respond or call her, but he is usually short with her and says she has a lot of issues and problems and he cares about her so he doesn't see anything wrong with giving her friendly advice. He claims it is one-sided and after 2.5 years she is just still carrying a flame for him, but I am beginning to think he must be involved with her in some manner because he hid the fact that they go out for beers sometimes and even who she was from me initially, which hurt me. I have always been very understanding about his exes, but I told him that I wanted him to set boundaries with her if he wanted to continue being friends with her, because this situation seemed strange and it bothered me. I would think he would expect the same of myself, but he says that he trusts me and could care less if I hang out with exes or not (I don't.) Pretty much all my relationships I have had have involved me being cheated on, so I don't want to accuse him of doing so, but I also don't want to wait and see what happens if there is foulplay. I was in an abusive marriage some years back and I don't appreciate being lied to or having things hidden from me. Initially I tried to pretend that it wasn't a big deal and that she was just being a meddling ex but the more time passed, the more it bothered me that he didn't see it as a problem and wasn't really doing anything about it other than ignoring her messages when he was home with me. Because I didn't check his phone anymore after those first two times, I had to trust that he wasn't talking to her and took him at his word. He didn't even see it as a problem that he told her we were having some relationship problems some months back, although now he admits that he shouldn't have done that because it might have lead her on to think they would get back together. He claims to not have any residual feelings for her, yet their friendship doesn't seem at all normal to me or proper, and he knows it bothers me greatly that she is pestering him like this. If we were just casually dating it wouldn't be a huge deal, but we are talking about moving out of state together and having a future and are seriously dating, so this is becoming a dealbreaker for me understandably. He told me that he set boundaries and she was okay with it, but actually he recently admitted that he never talked to her. Instead he just ignored her texts and phone calls, which led to her blowing up on him in the several suggestive irate text messages the other day. He is very nonconfrontational so I understand his avoidance but would think that he would have enough respect for me to take care of the situation because it is tearing me apart. It is very difficult for me to trust to begin with, so not knowing whether I can trust him or not, especially after us talking about having a solid future together, is horrible. And the guilt from even having to check up on him is equally awful but it is the only peace of mind I could grant myself since he has lied to my face twice now (to avoid confrontation, he says) and has been so secretive and defensive about all of this. He keeps giving me his word that he isn't doing anything wrong, but part of me wonders if he is pulling the wool over my eyes and I vainly am trying to overlook all these red flags because I do care about him. He is home every night and we have a great life together, so it is highly possible that he is on the level, but something in the back of my mind still hints that something is amiss and I can't pin down what it is. My friends simply told me to leave him and move on because they feel the lying and hiding things alone is not worth dealing with, but we have stuck it out through so much already that I want to believe we can work past this and be a stronger couple. As crazy as it sounds, I have ever considered flat out contacting his ex and asking for her side of the story. If he has been leading her on, then I feel I need to be aware of that for my own sanity, but I'm not sure if I can trust what this girl says anyway since he claims she is trying to break us up. I just don't want to spend another several months having to worry about this, but I'm having a hard time believing that he is disclosing everything because things just don't seem to be adding up for me. I would like to think I am just being jealous or paranoid, but I really can't imagine this girl acting this involved in his life unless he has given her a reason to be. If you have had similar experiences, did you simply walk or trust that your significant other was being honest with you and get over it. Thanks!
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, get back together, his ex, jealous, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Sweetheart - first, a hug. This cannot be easy. But what I honestly want you to do is to take a step back - hang out with some girlfriends, take a few days off from life, visit your parents, go see a movie, go to the beach. Whatever. Clear your mind of him and his actions, let this be about you, and bring the focus of YOUR life be back on you instead.
Your follow-up starts, "From the very beginning." This is not normal, faithful, loving behavior. It is a serial problem this cheater has, and you need to remember that this problem will not just die on his own... He will need to be vigilant and careful for the rest of his life in order to be rehabilitated. I want you to think about that. Are you willing to sacrifice parts of your life in order to chase this love that seems pretty one-sided? Look around at what other people say on this site... Cheating is devastating, but this guy doesn't seem to be man enough to truly take responsibility for what he is doing.
If you were my friend or sister, I would demand that you stop seeing this asshole NOW. THIS behavior of his is not true love, and what message are you sending to God and the universe if you stay with him? That that is what you are worth? That you will have to apologetically keep checking his mobile phone? That you will wonder why he's again too tired for sex? DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER?
Of course, none of us can decide what is right for you. And he *may* never cheat again... But he has been "since the beginning" which does not bode well. And more importantly, taking him back is a sign to yourself and the world that you are okay with a cheater, and he will interpret that as you condoning it, even somewhere subconsciously. This guy is a trashbag, throw him out where he belongs. It may hurt to hear that, but what you believed was a beautiful love has been a lie all along. Remember that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, first of all, for all of the good advice.
I did end up writing the girl after all and he ended up coming clean, for the most part after I confronted him on the information she gave me. From the very beginning of our relationship, he had been involved with her off and on (the last time being intimate with her was in June, actually). It has absolutely devastated me, because he has lied to my face about her this whole time and claimed his low libido was due to his medication when obviously that wasn't the issue. It wasn't even so much the cheating that has hurt me so deeply, but the fact that he hid things and lied so much, as now I can't believe a word he says. He told me that the reason he didn't tell me the truth and level with me on everything was because he was scared that I would leave him.
His ex-girlfriend apparently has been strung along off and on the past 2 and a half years by him noncommittally, even through a previous relationship with another girlfriend he has before me. He claims that he doesn't love her or really want her, but can't explain why he kept going back to her and jeopardizing our relationship, nor can he explain why he could have sex with her when drunk but rarely engaged in intimacy with me. He said that he decided a month ago that what he was doing was wrong, ended things with her, and wanted to change and pretend none of that ever happened. Fortunately I found out about everything so now I am skeptical of his love and respect for me (as it appears he didn't respect me enough then, so what has changed now.)
I'm not sure what to do. He has told me that he will do whatever it takes to prove to me that he loves me, is committed, and will never do anything like this to me again. He has agreed to no contact with her, no contact with pretty much most women, couples therapy, getting help, etc. But how can I trust him when the infidelities and lies ran pretty much the span of our relationship. I truly do have love for him and up until this point, could have potentially spent the rest of my life with him. Now this is making me question the very foundations of our relationship and although I would like to believe he is sincere in wanting to change, I am so very angry and hurt right now. He told me that I had every right to gripe him out as much as I wanted because he deserved everything I could throw at him after what he did. And now he is upset because I won't forgive him (it's only been three days!) and am "treating him as less than a human," when really I am just trying to work out my emotions and thoughts and decide what is best for me. He has told me taht after seeing how much this hurt me, he could never do anything like this to me again, and wished he has never done this to start with. He doesn't know why he did it, but the point is that he wasn't respectful of me and that makes me feel undervalued and betrayed.
I don't really WANT to leave because I do feel, despite all this, our relationship is worth salvaging. I do feel he does love me and did mess things up bigtime, but even if he changes these behaviors for good and gets help for the intimacy issues, how can I ever build trust with him again. How can I look him in the eye every day, knowing that he repeatedly was doing things that harmed me? I have told him that I needed time to think and process everything. I don't want to leave, but this situation seems more and more horrible every time I think about it and I don't know how to stop thinking about it, trust that he will never do it again, and move on to work on a better relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): If all he's said is true, he should have no problem introducing you to his ex and letting her see he has moved on and is happy with you. There should be no secret friends in a relationship so he either cuts her off or makes his so-called friendship with this woman transparent by including you.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Your boyfriend is keeping the messages secret not because he has something to hide, but because he doesn't want to make it a bigger issue. At first he was giving her advice, trying to get closure but she used that as an excuse to see him more and more. After a while your boyfriend got fed up so he just stopped talking to her. That's the way I see it. You should not contact his ex because you will show her that you are insecure and she will get into your head, tell you bad things you boyfriend did, she will pretend to be allies with you but secretly she is your enemy. Instead you should be supportive of your boyfriend.
...............................
|
