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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Thank you for your kind advice.I have posted a question earlier with title "I wish never met the other guy. I do not want to have an affair"Since then, I have spoken to husband Peter and tried to work things out, we have talked a lot. Lots of talk but no action.Peter said that he would try to be more passionate but things are getting worse. Even when I initiate intimacy, he is not very responsive, gets defensive and angry when I try to talk about it.My marriage has come to an end I think, neither Peter or myself are in a financial position to live alone which is another problem. Large loans. I know this is no reason to stay but I was hoping that things would improve and they have not.I still cant get John out of my head, think about him all the time, daily and quite often, have done so for months. Feel like a 16 year old again. We have Not slept together but there a lot of chemistry there.I have told John I will not have an affair but he says he cannot help it when he flirts with me. He visits Peter and myself even more frequently now and asks me for any development about my relationship when I am alone, told him decided to work at marriage. John and I decided to remain friends John touches my hand whenever possible and looks at me even when I am not looking at him. If John was just trying to get into bed with me, why would he come round when my husband is present? Is it possible that he just wants to see me?I do not want a relationship with John as I hardly know him as a person and would need time to adjust being by myself anyway. John does not want a relationship either, he told me this straight away. He is on rebound and he was very hurt by his ex. I asked him if he was just a player and he seemed offended. John was probably scared that I would depend on him? I am very independent and just goes to show how little he knows me too.I want to be with John so much but do not want to hurt Peter who cried when I told him I thought of leaving him. So I am still hating myself for having feelings for another guy when I am married to a kind wonderful man. I love my husband but in an affectionate way but I am not in love with him anymore. I know that much, otherwise I would not like another man.John is not just a crush. I have had these feelings for him for nearly six months now, think about him daily,feel miserable till I see him again, want to hold him in my arms, love his company and fantasize about him sexually even though we have not done anything because of Peter. I am losing my mind. Never looked at another man til now, been together for four years. I am not a bad person and never been unfaithful in my life.I am also scared that even if I left my husband, I would no longer be forbidden fruit for John and he would not fancy me anymore? How can I tell if John is genuine? Would John trust me? as emotionaly I have betrayed my husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): You DO CHOOSE WHO YOU FANCY so enough of that crap. Life is about making choices. We even choose to let our emotions run all over and we choose to entertain thoughts and go into places we shouldn't go when we are married. It is a choice.
Having a terminal disease is not a choice.
If you cannot get him out of your head...end it with husband for whatever reasons you seek to justify.
Bottom line...you no longer want to be married to him, you feel unsatisfied and instead of going to medical doctors and counsellors to truly do and give your all to your marriage...
You CHOOSE to begin to develop feelings for another man.
So...
You made a choice...what you lack is the guts to commit to it.
You no longer consider yourself committed to your husband and put all the blame on him for having potency problems and not being able to have sex as often as you like...and other stuff which to be honest is BOTH of your problems to address and overcome but you don't even want to be that in your marriage.
You seriously need to get Husband counselling. That he suffers from depression and is suicidal...you are dropping the ball on him and escapism that manifests in falling for another man is highly irresponsible.
Since you KNEW what you were getting into with husband's depression and neediness...you are responsible for getting him help ASAP.
Make an appointment with Husband. Tell him that he needs to have his depression addressed.
Tell him it is taking it's toll on you and he needs to see a medical doctor and a psycologist as you are reaching your limits.
Tell him.
Help him get to a strong place before you leave. Tell John to back off.
Then you can have peace.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): I have asked this question sorry have not given a lot of information. Thank you for your comments and the harsh words which of course I deserve.Just to clarify, my marriage had had problems for over 2 years not just weeks, we have talked about our problems throughout which I do not wish to go into further detail. I do not blame my husband for anything! it is not as simple as blaming one or the other when the sparke has gone, our views on what marriage is has changed for him though. Husband is content with just "room mates"affection for example and I need passion as we had before. Apreciate that our relationship of four years has had a 2 year honey moon period, but I did not expected to die completely. My feelings for John have developed only over last 4/5 months, I would like to stress that we have not slept together and have agreed not to take this further. If things are different with my husband and I, from what they were before 2 years ago, this marriage is not what we have set out for us, even though it bothers me more than my husband. John came along much later.As to being passionate with Peter, he has impotency problems sometimes and we do not make love that often anyway, this problem has only been over the last 2 years also. This has play part in me falling out of love with my husband and sex is not reason for divorce but it is very important to me so is honesty. My husband nearly had a night stand 5 months ago but he told me did not go throught with it. He was honest and we carried on trying.I am a genuine person, and I have never had an affair in my life. Of course I know that is wrong to have flirted with another guy and hate myself for it. This situation is certainly not a thrill to me I can assure you!But sometimes one cannot choose who to fancy. I wish I felt that for my husband but I cannot.I wish I was strong enough not to see this guy at all, the problem is that I cannot get him out of my head. Have tried to stay away before but I only feel alive when I know I will see him.John was a mutual friend not somebody I brought in by the back door. The 3 of us were friends and neither John or I were expecting this complication or wanted to hurt anybody.Perhaps it is very easy for an outsider to judge another if he/she has not been through a similar ordeal, til now I too resented all people like me. Well when I got married, I felt it was for life, but my feelings have changed and I have not been able to get them back.I am not making excuses and I am trying to be as honest with myself as I can to better understand why this is happening to us.My husband does not want marriage councelling and no, he does not know I have feelings for another. My husband is not agressive but he is depressed and suicidal thoughts (since he was a teen), it would hurt him to much and it not why the marriage has been in trouble. He is very sensitive and defensive, does need a lot of reassurance which I DO GIVE HIM DAILY! This is not his fault, his need for reassurance has been from day one which I accept and dont have a problem with as it is part of the package.Found this site and just needed to share my thoughts with someone. I understand what I need to do and end this marriage but I rather forget this guy than to break my husband's heart. I just don't know how to do this.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 You said you went and talked to your husband. Did you tell him about the other guy? What you didn't say was what you talked about. From the information you've provided, it sounds like he could try all he wanted and nothing would change. You've alreaady got your goal set. I'd bet if he changed, you'd be disappointed.
I do not get the impression at all that your husband is taking things out on you. It's possible he's reading between the lines and senses something. Afterall, if the other guy is who you crave, how passionate can you be when you're with your husband? Have you truly been honest?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): Financial stresses is the next big marriage render next to porn.
If you both have not consulted debt counsellors and marriage counsellors...you are fighting a "losing" battle. I say this as you went to your husband and told him how you feel and what you need and he appears to diliberately do the opposite of what you asked of him. It's like he is taking all the problems out on you out of anger and resentment.
I would tell the friend to not call on you until you have left your husband or attended six months of aggressive counselling with husband.
There are issues here we can only begin to guess at and we really don't have a clue as to how your communicative skills are with one another.
It does seem like the both of you have let your anger and resentment take over that there isn't any real listening going on.
Please seek marriage counselling.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (9 January 2007):
Having read the 2 other replies, there is one piece of advice which needs to be stressed:
If you are not interested in saving your marriage, then end it and do whatever you want.
If you are iterested in saving your marriage, you are not doing enough, and in addition, you are doing things which put the relationship in harm. Firstly, stop doing things which are harming your marriage. This means, stop seeing this other guy AT ALL. He is not your friend.
Above all, I would recommend you go to councelling. A councellor will help you with this process, even if it turns out that the right thing to do will be to end your marriage, a councellor will help you do this with a clear concience.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 January 2007):
You ARE NOT working on your marrriage enough. " He visits Peter and me even more frequently now".....How the are you supposed to fix the relationship when you're letting the devil in the backdoor? Is this really serious?
"John touches my hand whenever possible" What is that? That is physical. It's physical because there are emotional ties that go with it. He has NO business touching your hand. He has no business coming to your house like a wolf in sheeps clothing and asking about his status with you when your husband leaves the room.
"John and I decided to remain friends" What kind of friend is that? What is your definition of friend.
It sounds like you put the blame on your husband for not trying to fix the marriage. The truth is, your heart is not in it. You're playing both sides of the fence. You're the one who has nurtured this affair, and that's what it is, not your hsband.
If your marriage is over, end it. What yo're doing to your husband, by allowing this man into your house is tragic. You're doing it backwards and you'll have egg on your face. End one relationship before you start another. It doesn's sound like anyone in this scenario is genuine. John isn't, you're not. What is everyone going to think when they look back and realize what you were up to all that time, bringing this guy into your home, with your husband thinking he's a friend?
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 I think whats happening here is the thrill of it all. The reason things perhaps dont seem to be working or getting better with your husband is because of this John hanging around.
Who can really say what Johns intentions are, but if he were a friend he wouldnt be putting pressure on you. he calls round when your husband is there because he can, it probably gives him a thrill knowing you like him and its a bit like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey! I dont know either man, but i think your judgement is clouded because of John, and Peter doesnt stand a chance at making you happy if John is there all the while. I think you need to keep your distance from John, he has after all told you he doesnt want a relationship... so what does he want ?? A fun affair at the cost of your marriage and then what ?? Give Peter a proper chance, tell john to stay away or at least call round less often. You need to remember why you got together with Peter how you fell in love, im sure thats where you lost the way, its all got clouded somewhere in the middle and the thrill of an affair makes the mundane married life seem oh so dull... YOu have to have a clear head, free of John if your to even attempt at making it work with Peter, hes not aware your heads someone else, please at least try and free your mind and eradicate john and see if you cant make thigns work, but if you just bolt now, you could lose alot more than just a husband.
Take care x x
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