A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so dense when it comes to figuring out what's going on in a guy's head, especially when I like him (as is the case now). One minute I'll think he's interested and the next he'll do something to make me change my mind. Full story (sorry about the length!): I met him about 6 months ago and after hanging out together for a month (including a couple of obvious dates) he told me he liked me and we kissed. That's a lot slower moving than I'm used to from guys but I thought it was nice. However, I didn't tell him I liked him also. I wish I had, but a year earlier I had finally got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Although I was over my ex and happy being single, the idea of someone new actually liking me for who I was brought up fresh insecurities which I've now also worked through. But the down side of that is it stopped me from being ready 6 months ago. So we continued hanging out for a couple of months, kissing and holding hands sometimes but mainly just having fun talking together. He invited me over to his place one night to cook for me (which to me seems a sign of developing intimacy, not necessarily the physical kind...more of a positive step towards sharing more of ourselves). BUT then he got sick and postponed dinner until the next week, forgot about it completely when next week rolled around and then had to go travelling for a couple of months for work. He got back a month ago and we've seen each other a few times since, both one-on-one and with his friends. He seemed to still like me - complimenting me on everything, laughing at my lame jokes, sitting close and putting his hand on my leg, being enthusiastic to see me... then last weekend he asked me over again so he could cook for me and describing the relaxed, intimate night he was imagining for us and now this morning he's cancelled it again.What could be going on here?? I don't understand at all. I'm thinking he's either freaked out by the idea of commitment or isn't confident about putting himself out there and about how I feel. Someone recently told me that he hasn't had a girlfriend before, which would support either of my ideas. Should I try putting myself out there somehow? And more importantly, how?!! Unfortunately I'm one of those women who have never made it easy for guys and I'm used to them consistently chasing me so it's clear to me how they feel but they have no idea how I feel. I know, it's bad, but I'd really like to change that and I really like this guy.Thanks for reading!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 October 2009):
 When I was dating a guy who canceled 2 dates with me.....a few days later he ended things with me! Just bear that in mind!
To be honest he sounds like he is messing you around a bit, and regardless of his reasons that is just not acceptable! If you allow him to keep on canceling dates but you still remain happy and always wanting to re-arrange with him then he will know he can get away with it and you will be around whenever is convenient for him, and not the other way around. Unless you want to be his doormat....a toy he can pick up whenever he likes and put down again just as quickly, then I think you need to just move on. It doesnt really sound like this is going anywhere and there is a strong chance you could be wasting your time!
You cant use the afraid of commitment theory at this early stage in a relationship - and if he hasnt had a girlfriend then he wont have any idea what commitment actually is! Men normally get scared of commitment when things get serious - you are barely even dating so he cant be freaked out by the idea of going on a date!
I am assuming he is a similar age to you - therefore the no girlfriend thing seems a little far fetched and even if it is true, he will still have some idea of how to behave around a woman he likes. And repeatedly canceling dates is not the way a man would behave around a girl he likes.
I think in order to stop wasting any more time you need to talk to him - face to face ideally but if he keeps on canceling then a text or phone call will have to do. Just tell him that you like him and would like to start dating properly so you can see where it goes because you like spending time with him. Then at least he knows where he stands with you and the ball is in his court. If you say something like that then he will either respond and then you will know where you stand too, or he will just ignore what you said - which also lets you know where you stand as it is a clear indicator he is not interested.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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