A
female
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anonymous
writes:Today my bf and I started talking about each others relationship and sexual past, i.e. how many relationships we have been in, why they ended, how many sexual partners etc...Me and my bf havent had sex. He knows that I woudlnt just sleep with anyone and have only had one sexual relationship before and that was with my ex bf who I had been dating for a very long time. Hes had a fair few sexual partners, slept with girls hhe wasnt in relationships with etc. This doesnt bother me as such, it just makes me wonder if his reasons for wanting to sleep with me are because hes horny, or because he really cares for me. He said that he wont pressure me, but then right after he said that he went on to say 'but you knwo, sex is something that happens in a relationship, its expected'. I didnt know how to respond to that because I wasnt sure how to take it, and was confused about his intended meaning.I took it in a bad way. I felt liek that was his way of pretty much saying I HAVE to have sex with him, because its expected in a relationship. I dont see it that way though, Ive had plenty of relationships that werent sexual. I dont think sex makes a relationship and its not expected. This just worries me because it makes me feel like he might not wait too long, as its something he expects. He doesnt see sex as something that happens when two people love each other and are comitted. I dont knwo what to do...I dont know what to make of what he said. Any opinions? By the way Im 19 and my bf is 25.
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female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 I know what you mean because 6-9 months is about right to decide if you are really in love or not. Plenty of people confuse the idea of lust and love or are in love with the idea of being love. True love happens gradually, not overnight and you are only really in love say 6-9 months onwards.
You stick to your principles if it means a lot to you. You clearly think you will only have sex with somebody if it's been a while and you are really in love with each-other. If that's the case, he should know and emphasise that side of things, so he doesn't think that sex will happen in a couple of weeks or whatever.
You do make sense, you say you will only sleep with him, when you have been together a while and know you will both be in love with eachother and know it will be long-term. I think you know that in your mind alright. The ultimate issue is 6-9 months of waiting too much for him or doesn't he mind? I guess time will tell and if you are upfront...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess there is the possibility that it will never be a sexual relationship, but that would only turn out like that if we didnt last. If we last long enough, to fall in love, to be able to trust each other etc and for it to feel right for me, then I guess it will be become sexual at some point. But my worry is that from what he said, it soudns like he would have some 'time limit' in which hes prepared to wait. Because its something he expects and he would have expectations for when. My ex bf and I didnt have sex until we had been together for 9 months. I dont know how long it would be with me and my bf now, its not something you can really put a time frame on. My bf doesnt know how long me and my ex waited, just that we waited a while. My bfs longest relationship was 3 months, so I guess he expects sex quite early. The other girls hes slept with, werent even gf's, so he is prepard to have sex quite early. Where as im not. And im afraid that even if i wait, that it will mean nothing to him because he can just give himself away like that, so its not a big deal if gives himself to me. I dont really know how to compromise on this, without me giving up something which is important to me, and without him giving up something he feels he needs so much. I do want to wait, and although i cant say exactly long, i would predict for it to be atleast as long as with my ex. I need to feel sure that we have a good chance at lasting in the long run. otherwise, if we were to have sex and then break up, ill forever feel full of guilt and shame, just like i do now because i slept wth my ex bf. I just feel so confused. my post probably didnt even make any sense, i feel all ovr the place right now.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (25 June 2009):
He will be expecting sex because that's what he's used to.How long have you been together? Is it that it's too soon for you and you just need more time, before you are ready? If that's the case, just explain that and explain that you want to be together a bit longer first, or a while first or whatever.There is a difference between expecting sex at some point, or in a few weeks, as opposed to expecting sex now and causing you pressure. Perhaps there can be a fine line between the two as weel. It should feel right for you both.Basically no lad would say it's too soon, it's us girls who get uptight about this, but that doesnt' mean you have to have sex if you don't quite feel ready. Make him wait a bit longer until you are OK with the idea.How long did you wait until you had sex with the other guy? Does he know how long that was? Would he think that to wait a similar amount of time or just a bit less is unreasonable? He wants sex in the way he's used to and you want it how you are used to, by waiting a bit longer or whatever. Surely the ideal would be a compromise, but in a way you don't feel rushed.
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 To be honest, yes I imagine he is expecting sex. Not everyone places the same value on sex and based on the fact that he has had casual sex in the past it's pretty clear that his views on sex vary from yours.
It's not a bad thing, and it doesn't make either of you wrong. But you need to discuss it, tell him exactly how you feel, if there is a possibility that this will never be a sexual relationship for you then you need to make that very clear to him - because for many people, male and female alike, this will be a problem.
Ask him what his expectations are, tell him your expectations. By the end of that conversation you'll both know if it's something that can be waited out or worked around.
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