A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and we have a four month old.When we first met our sex life was ok.After my baby was born,we have only had sex on two occasions,he doesnt spend time with us,he is always working.On two other occasions,we tried to have sex but he did not have an erection. Is he cheating on me or i just dont turn him on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): We can't really answer this question for you, because only you know how your sexual relationship/understanding was, and how it has changed. Yes, the sexual thread of your relationship will develop and change in the way that everything develops and changes over time, and having a baby is a huge event in yr physical/sexual relationship ... rebuilding/re-establishing the feel of an exclusive physical relationship after the birth can be quite difficult - especially for some men. Basically, a part of you that was only his has now changed forever, and has kind of become not just his/yours. I don't know if you get what I mean, but I know that the very event of birth takes some coming back from (or round to). And then there is the baby - still very small, and very much part of your lives. To make time for the two of you, you have to work at it. You have to work at creating a space for just you two, with your baby there as well, but there must be some breathing space.
Some men (actually quite a few, I understand) find it really quite hard to come to terms with how everything has so changed, including even their partner's body. And someone else has been using your vagina, basically!! And now it isn't the same. It never will be - it will be different after every baby.
The strength of the loving/sexual/physical closeness between the two of you is now being tested. It is no coincidence that a lot of couples who break up do so in the first year of their child's life. Relationships do have to be pretty strong to start with to withstand the challenge of having a child.
So: I certainly don't think at this stage you should get worried about an affair, although it is a natural fear. He might, though, be vaguely traumatised after the birth and that has put him off having sex with you. And of course, he might just be exhausted - or a combination of exhausted and wary.
Whatever it is, the only way you will find out is by talking to him. He might not be the sort who likes to talk, so you will have to go very gently and probably discuss it in monosyllables ... but you won't find out otherwise. And this needs dealing with, asap.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 I honestly believe it's likely stress. When would he have time to have an affair? He's probably trying to provide for his family the best he can and it's wearing him out.
See how this goes. Arrange for someone to take your baby for the night. Have a nice date together. Have a few drinks or something to loosen up. Then jump his bones. You may find that passion you're missing.
I'm not going to say he's not having an affair, I just think that's a stretch unless you have other reasons to think he's cheating than not getting an erection.
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