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age
36-40,
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writes: So, I've been seeing a new guy for around one month. Since our first time meeting he's been very open to talking and texting pretty much on a daily basis and initiates much of the conversation. I've seen him about 6 times during this month. He's pretty open about how he spends his time and I understand he's busy. At this point I would expect him to give up his weekends for me. We've seen each a few Friday's, but he seems pretty busy on weekends. This past weekend he was out of town and didn't try to make any contact with me, but he's back now and still no contact. The last time we saw one another we went to dinner and hung at his place, intimacy included. Good conversation. A good night kiss and my forehead and lips and I was on my way. When I see him he loves to cuddle with me. I've met a few of his friends at this point. I'm not 100% what he tells his friends we are, but anyhow my question is more so about the lack of communication now going on since the last time we saw each other- about 5 days and nothing! I'm too afraid to try to contact him because I don't want to come off as clingy when I'm not that person. Should I assume he's just 'busy' or not interested any longer?
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female
reader, SydneySidney  +, writes (18 September 2016):
"At this point I would expect him to give up his weekends for me." This is an unreasonable assumption, unless you've discussed it with him and he's said that's what he wants. He probably is just busy, and he is allowed to spend time with people other than you on his weekends. But after 5 days of neither of you contacting each other? Yeah, reach out to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): Well, you're entitled to your rebuttal of any advice you receive. That doesn't change the facts, or devalue the advice you were given. You quickly had sex, and he seems cool and distant. There's no question of adult consent, nor is there any question of anyone's morals here. The point is, you have to know more about people in order to both be on the same page. Immediate sex complicates things when you really want more than that from someone you haven't known very long.
Women more often than men add meaning to sex. So it is not unusual that a guy will seem aloft or distant once you've had it; because he is letting you know that doesn't mean you're in a relationship. Draw your own conclusions.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Age has got nothing to do with that. Of course it's
" acceptable " to have early, or even instant, sex at 32. As for that it is " acceptable " at any age, as long it's over the age of consent. Your body is yours to do what you want with it.
The problem is not in terms of moral, social or cultural acceptance. The problem is that not all which is
" acceptable " is also the best, smartest, most effective action, or the fastest way to get a certain wished -for result.
It all depends who you are , or actually how you are wired, and what expectations you have .
There are certainly SOME ( I would not say that they are " many, many " but let's not quibble about that ) women who have no trouble keeping sex and feelings separated . There are women who can just relax and go with the flow, and que sera sera, no hurt feelings. There are women who do not want relationships, just casual fun. There are women who do not make emotional investments early on, so they are able to not feel much anxiety about the developments. There are woman who can stay in the moment, no expectations and no agenda- if things pick up speed romantically, that's fine; if not who cares, life is good anyway.
There definitely are such women. Maybe even plenty of them , who knows.
But they surely are not the same women who write to Dear Cupid asking " what does it mean if he did not call for 5 days " or variation of the same.
The moment you start getting worried and take a stab at mind reading, " if he texts me less does it mean he is not interested ? when he says he is busy is he reallly busy or is he avoiding me ? " or any other variations of " he loves me - he loves me not "- it's the moment you should be honestly asking yourself what you wanted to get out of that guy exactly and what type of relationship you'd want with him.
If what you'd ideally want is a serious, long lasting, committed relationship, sorry but there is only one failproof true-and-tried method, as Victorian as it sounds. FIRST you make sure that you establish emotional intimacy, then you introduce sexual intimacy. FIRST you make sure that you are on the same page and you are bonded by other than mutual attraction, then all the rest.
This, if you want to play it safe. Which there's nothing wrong about; but if you want to play it safe, then do it safe for real, take your time, become friends first, discuss exclusivity etc. etc.
What's the point of doing the "acceptable ", " modern " and " mature 30s " thing, if then you have to sit at home wringing your hands wondering "... does X mean Y ? what will he be feeling ? what will he be thinking ? "..
Our OP, for instance. Per se, a 5 days hyatus in communication does not mean much, or nothing at all. But obviously, it goes against her wishes and expectations about dating. Obviously here the subtext is " A guy who were really into me would not stay NC for 5 days,no matter how busy. A guy who were seriously interested in me would ask me out on weekends ".
Well, then why did she not wait until she was actually invited to join his weekends and had established a pattern of consistence and predictability in communication , before getting close sexually, and emotionally too ?
Now, I know I know : that's theory. It's easier said than done. We are human, we have weaknesses, we have emotions, we have impulses, we have a libido ! , we don't want to plan and scheme all the time, often it's simpler, and happier, just to be in the moment , let go and .. keep our fingers crossed.
I realize that . But just to say , in reference to the
" many many " women who play it cool, sexually and otherwise.
Ah sure, it's great , and liberating,to play it cool.
When you mean it, though- not when you fake it !
If you are one who gets attached easily, or one who is determined having a serious relationship only, or one who handle rejection badly, or one who is an anxious type etc. etc.... then, forget about " mature 32 "- it would be the same if you were 60 : you still would have a ) to make clear in your mind precisely what you want from a relationship and b ) take care of not getting hurt and to protect your heart- because others won't do it for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): Does he live alone? What do you mean by you're not 100% of what he tells his friends? Do you think that can be a red flag? Might he have another female 'friend' that he's seeing on the side? I would think about those questions...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to both replies- we are both the same age, 32. I believe at our age if intimacy occurs rather quick it's acceptable. It's not like we are young and immature. He finally contacted me this afternoon stating he's exhausted from his weekend, which is understandable and he dies ask how I am and what I'm doing. Still seems a bit more detached than previous conversations, but maybe just an off day. Still drives me nuts as I enjoy his time and company and am very patient with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): I disagree with answer that said you must wait to have sex. If you felt comfortable, do what you want. Women arent victims of every dating situation. Women arent weak and clinging. Many many women have sex and dont get attached. Many many women dump men after sex and many women can have sex and not feel a thing for the guy, she just may enjoy it. Many women sleep on first date and feel not a drop of regret. Im not saying you should, Im saying theres not a single correlation that women having sex soon causes men to stray or lose interest or that the woman always ends up the victim. Sex can be most empowering thing to a woman at timesThat said, to answer you: 5 days is quite a long time. Maybe text and see what he says or rather, just go on dates and continue live your life. Sometimes the first month is great way to get to know someone and see if they are bf/gf material. maybe he felt you out and didnt see it progressing beyond that. maybe he actually likes you but felt you weren't feeling the same way. Since its just been a month, dont take it too personally! just continue to date and see what new hottie is out there waiting to take you out!
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 I think it is quite normal for men to keep a woman at a distance at the start of a relationship, and particularly as they get older and wiser. I assume he's around the same age as you so he will have a life of his own and other commitments. If he's interested in you he will slowly but surely begin to involve you in his life. At present it's all fairly new to him and he's taking it easy. I know it's very irritating for you but you're going to have to be patient. I once had a partner who practically froze me out for the first three months until I was just about to give up on him, then it all changed and we were very happy together for three years and saw each other all the time. It drifted apart because he was a confirmed bachelor and I wanted more.... so that's another thing to watch out for, is he so independent he doesn't actually need you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): You've only been seeing each other for a month. You've already been intimate. I'd say it was too soon. Sooner or later females will learn that sex too early in a romantic connection sometimes doesn't allow enough time for emotion to take hold for men. Men can easily have sex without any emotional-attachment; and once they get sex, they've satisfied only one need. Sometimes that's enough.
First of all, all new romantic-connections start off heated basically due to sexual-tension. Lots of calls, hand-holding, frequent texting, and lovey dovey stuff. That's naturally going to taper-off over time. If you throw in sex right-away, you haven't given yourself enough time to establish how important it is to him to get to know you. Nor do you know whether it was only sex he was after in the first place. People always let their hormones get ahead of their common-sense. Then they want an intense love-affair just like on TV and in the movies.
If a guy loses interest because he doesn't get sex right-away; that's all he wanted. Sex should not be used as bait to lure him in, he'll take advantage of it and flee.
It's always safe to start detaching your feelings when you see the other person cooling towards you. He may very well be busy, but he can at least let you know he's tied-up with his personal-life and will be contacting you soon. When communication nearly comes to a halt after sex, that's usually an indication a guy wasn't looking for a serious relationship; and mostly wanted sex or some temporary female-companionship. He may not have been as much into you, as you are into him. He's also slowing you down, to let you know he's not that serious about a committed-relationship.
Here's advice you should take with you, and what you should learn from this experience. Take your time. Hold back your feelings until you know why and whom you're attaching them to. A few cozy conversations and intimate moments are no indication that a love-connection has been solidly made. It only means you've hit it off, and only time will tell if anything more serious and established will come of it.
Sex should be delayed until you feel you know him well. You should understand his habits, become familiar with his schedules, get fully acquainted with his temperament, and be certain whether his life-style compliments yours. You need to have a solid picture of his character and values.
Your post clearly indicates you want a relationship, and he may be leery of that so soon.
You have to test and measure the intensity of his interest in you; as mild, intense, or just casual. Keep your feelings under control, a bit on reserve, and stay on the same page. You must communicate in-person, more than you do through social media and texting. In order to establish your romance on a more personal-basis. Then you can determine whether the romantic-connection is emotionally-linked, or just hit and run.
We can't tell you what's on his mind or what he's doing.
Only he can. You can give him a call and determine from that conversation; if he's busy, or avoiding you after sex.
If he makes a bunch of lame excuses or seems rushed, you'll know. If he seems happy to hear from you and quick to get into conversation, feel more at ease. That doesn't mean you should ignore everything else I've advised.
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