A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a bizarre argument with my boyfriend and I wonder if I should stay with him because of what he's said.I work unsociable hours in a job I really don't like but as I live by myself I have to work even if I don't particularly love it. I've just done three night shifts and then straight on to an afternoon shift. I also have to work every weekend.My boyfriend bought a camper van a couple of months ago and we went away for a couple of days because I booked some time off but since then my shifts have gotten in the way of going anywhere over night.Even though I worked nights last Friday, Saturday and Sunday I got up early in the afternoon just so he could come over but he spent nearly all weekend kind of sulking that I had to go to work. I said to him that it's better than me not wanting to work or look after myself and he replied well at least he would be able to do things every weekend.I'm not really impressed that he would prefer a girlfriend who didn't want to work but didn't really say anything.This morning he text me after I finished my shift and said that it was a waste of money buying a van and wouldn't have bought it if he knew my shifts were going to be like this every weekend. I've been doing this for over two years now and it's always been the same. He told me I should tell my boss I can't work every weekend but everybody I work with has to so there's no way he'll make an exception for me. He's told me that I used to have one day a weekend off but I never have! I have no idea what he's on about saying I've always had one of the days off because it's not true.He's spent the day arguing with me and is adamant that what he's saying is right. I've even sent a screenshot of my rota from just before he bought the van and he's still adamant about it, it's in black and white on this screenshot and still saying I'm wrong.He's making me feel as though I'm ruining his weekends, that it's my fault he spent all this money on a van that he never uses and making up that I've always had days off. Because he works Monday to Friday he seems to think that the majority of people have every weekend off. I've tried explaining that lots of people don't but he's saying I'm wrong about that too. I'm trying my best to find a different job with better hours but it's difficult without having a car to travel far.Why would he make things up? At first I was just puzzled by the things he was saying but now I feel a little bit angry, he's making me feel like I'm going mad! Even proof of my shifts isn't making him change his mind. I also don't get why he would prefer a girlfriend who doesn't want to work. Do you think he's trying to say things to make me question my sanity or playing silly mind games?I know he's fed up with my shifts but does that excuse making stuff up? I have told him that he could still do things over the weekend without me but doesn't seem to ever want to.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 September 2016):
 You never mentioned how long you two have been together. I think that matters in what kind of advice I give to you about this. Nevertheless, I'm going to give some to you anyways.
The first thing I saw was your age. You're in your 30's, so as you never mentioned how old he is, I'm going to assume that he's pretty close to your age as well. This makes what he's doing less cool. At least if he were 18, you could pass it off as immaturity and the lack of experience in knowing that nothing lasts forever.
However, if he's in his 30's, and you are as well, then what is he complaining about?? Your job is your job! He's at least been in your life for a couple of months, and you have a living to make! You didn't put a gun to his head and force him to buy the camper! He did it to try and get you to change jobs or schedule or whatever, and now he's being passive aggressive about it.
Quite frankly, your job and your communication with your boss and your days off are none of his damn business. Your career choices are none of his damn business. I understand where you're coming from, because I have worked long hours, and I also spent my younger years in retail and then sales, which were whacked out 2pm to 11pm shifts. Good guys will make the time they have with their girlfriends quality time, not force them to change for him. My boyfriend at the time would meet me as I got out of work late at night, and we'd spend an hour at one of those 24-hr diners that serve great breakfasts, or we'd catch the late movie together at the theater connected to the mall I was working at. One time, I got off work, and my boyfriend showed up with two Mountain Dew code Reds and we spent an hour making out in the parking lot until we got caught steaming up the windows by a cop who told us to clear out in that "you're busted" sort of amused smirk.
Your boyfriend is an idiot. He needs to stop making you conform to his convenience, and start getting creative. If your relationship is going somewhere, maybe someday, you'll be married, and you'll wake up with each other and wonder why he got his panties in such a bunch.
However, the mind games and the emotional manipulation has no place in a relationship. That is a RED FLAG. You find a job that's best for YOUR career, not one that caters to him. He could very easily be making time for you if he's that lonely. Otherwise, he's being a jerk and gaslighting you with lying about what he's seen you do.
Tell him that your job is your job, and you didn't ask him to buy the camper. Tell him that if he can't stop pressuring you, that maybe you two aren't the best fit.
BTW, my boyfriend from way back then and I are about to celebrate our 18th anniversary. There's a guy out there who can work with your schedule, and also knows that nothing is permanent. Don't sacrifice your life for this guy. Ditch the guy before you ditch the job.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Yes, that would put me off, as well, as I consider myself to be a very responsible person and would never consider dating someone who would place hanging out over a job. That's very childish.
I, myself, work weekends, so I completely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it's just one of those things you have to do, no matter how unpleasant or unfortunate it may be. Eating and paying bills comes first.
It sounds as though he just misses you and is going about expressing it in a very childish way. I'm not sure why he is insisting on you having had a day off you didn't have, but perhaps to him, it just felt like you had more free time before? I have no idea. That is quite odd. However, I think his ultimate point is just that he wishes for more time spent with you. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about expressing that, though. Guilting you and trying to make you feel bad for having to work is NOT the right way. He's lashing out and it's very unflattering.
Maybe try to sit down and calmly talk this out with him. Ask him if he's just frustrated about the lack of time you two have been having together and see if you can reach some sort of compromise (one that DOESN'T involve you demanding your boss to give you weekends off, as that is completely unreasonable). See if you can't meet in the middle. If not, then it may be time to let this relationship go, as he may not be able to be happy and may require more time together than you are able to give at this current juncture. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): HiThe fact that he is telling you things about yourself that are untrue and he knows it, but still continues with it, is a very big red flag. You're quite right, he is saying things to make you question yourself and also to try and get his own way. And when you are having to print screen shots off to show him, to prove that you are telling the truth and he's still not believing you (or, rather, SAYING he isn't believing you)then it's gone too far. You know that he knows you're right. This is abusive, manipulative behaviour. I ended up doing the same thing with an abusive ex of mine, who kept telling me that I never bought food. I bought plenty of food and I felt sure that he knew that too, but I printed off my bank statements so he could see how many times I had been to the supermarket. Looking back I realise it was all abusive mind games and I was playing into his hands beautifully, just as you are now. When I showed him, he just glanced at them and shouted 'No!'. You're on a hiding to nothing with this kind of behaviour.Trying to make you feel guilty that he can't use the van is all to get you to give up your job and be available when he wants you to be available. Try just and see how much co-operation you get from him, when you want him to be available to you and he's busy doing something else. I will bet he won't change a thing. I'm guessing that you already know all this somewhere deep down inside you, don't you? And for the record, abusive men LOVE a woman not to work, because then he can call the shots. Where you go, what you do, if you can go out today etc. THIS WILL GET WORSE, believe me. The same abusive ex I had, didn't want me to work and wanted me to get rid of my car and told me I could use his car any time I wanted. Yeah, right! I kept my job and my car.Don't fall for this crap, he wants you where he can see you and control you. My ex also would never allow me to pay for anything. Oh how lovely all the women would croon, what a gentleman. What rubbish! He then would say to me, no we couldn't go where I wanted to go because he couldn't afford it. We'd then proceed to go where he wanted, which cost just the same or more. If I tried to bring that up, watch out! There would be hell to pay. They don't like their cover being blown. Your boyfriend is showing many signs of abusive behaviour and I would seriously get out now. Read up on abuse, emotional, verbal, mental and physical and then you will see what you are facing here. It's all about control and your boyfriend is trying to do that to you A LOT.Keep your job if you like it, but, seriously, get rid of him instead. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 If am being honest, I can see why he is frustrated with you both working opposite shifts, but no it is not your fault and you are not to blame. He sounds like he is sulking at the moment. Which is not great behavior in a man. Yes it is difficult working opposite shifts and never having time to do anything together, I have been there and done that. He cannot understand why you have to work every weekend, well ask him could he take time off midweek when you are off and see his reaction, because it is the same thing.
You are trying your best you are looking for other work that suits you and with better hours, but in the meantime you are doing nothing wrong, it is great you have a job. My guess is that he is sulking and he is venting at you because he feels hard done by, he probably feels lonely in this relationship and off course he is lashing out at you because it is you he misses. It is difficult but he needs to work with you not against you. Personally if this was me I would be looking for an apology for his behavior.
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