A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! I always have received amazing advice from this site and I really need some now. There is this guy, let's call him S. S and I have been friends since a few months. We were introduced through common friends. I found him to be nice and decent and I felt comfortable hanging out with him. A couple of months ago he told me he likes me. I liked him only as a friend and told him so. Anyway, after his confession, I remained friends with him. Sometimes we would hang out alone. He was really kind to me, and appeared to care for me. I have been through really bad relationships in the past and as I began hanging out with him, I felt that maybe he is not like the rest and that he is a really nice guy. He treated me well.One day he came to drop some stuff at my place and we kissed. It did not go further than that. After he left that day, I thought about it and thought maybe I should give him a chance. I started hanging out with him more often. He did not officially ask me out. We just continued to hang out and hold hands sometimes. A week later, he's telling his friends that we are a couple and he is in love with me. He puts up statues on facebook and tags me. He told his family about me. That he is going to marry me. When we would talk on the phone, he would talk about the future with 'we' 'us'. And all this after just one kiss, we haven't slept with each other till now. He did not even bother to ask me what I feel towards him. I hadn't even told him that I liked him.He would text me from morning to night. We both work and I don't normally text while I'm working. But he would text me stuff like how busy I am and have no time for him! I'm at work, c'mon! He would call me multiple times a day. He would want to meet me every single day and I would oblige as I didn't want to hurt him. It's the least I could do for him.As the days went by, he wanted to be around me all the time. He stopped hanging around with his friends and would wait for me to ask him to meet me. The rare occasion when he planned something with his friends and I would ask him if he wants to meet up, he would always ditch them. Obviously I would be unaware of his prior commitments, I would get to know it later when his friends would tell me about it. And I really didn't like that. He could have told me he had plans and I would understand and meet him another day. I told this to him and he would tell me that the only thing he wants is to be with me and no matter what plans or important stuff he had to do, he would drop it for me. He probably thought I would be happy when I heard that, but I wasn't happy at all. When I would spend time with my family and friends, he would stay at home texting me how much he missed me. And when the weekend rolled along and he would call me and ask me to meet him and I would tell him that I have already made plans with my sisters or friends, he would turn quiet and not talk to me properly after that. I am completely put off by his behaviour. I explained things to him a lot of times but he doesn't seem to get it. I believe that even though you are in a relationship (and we aren't even in one yet!), you should still have your own things to do, while he believes in being only with the other person and putting his family, friends, work, interests behind which I really think is not healthy.He started buying expensive gifts for me. He gifted me a watch, a blackberry, jewelery. He sent expensive flowers to my office every other day. I told him to stop doing that because I wasn't comfortable with him spending so much money on me. After he sent a really expensive bouquet of flowers to my office yet again I called him up and told him that if he buys me anything again, I wouldn't meet him anymore. And he thankfully did stop. I do like receiving gifts but not every single time we meet! And I am someone who would be perfectly happy with just a single rose given with love.I really don't know what to do with him anymore. Is he being too needy or am I just wrong? I have been through really bad relationships, been cheated on, lied to, hurt and S seems to be really sweet and totally into me and I thought that I was lucky to find him. But his neediness has seriously put me off. And even though I have talked to him about this so many times, he doesn't understand. He is a really nice guy , so rare to find one and yet his niceness puts me off! Is something wrong with me? Or him?I am an independent woman but I would like to meet a man with whom I would feel safe, someone who can protect me. A guy who is strong yet mushy inside, a man who will care for me and spend time with me but also allow me to be my own person. A man I can trust and respect and who will trust and respect me. S is someone who I need to protect and look out for! He is someone who agrees with everything I say and he has even told me that I can take him for granted if I want to, and he will be okay with it! Isn't that totally wrong??Really need some advice. Should I settle with S? Or wait with the hope that I will find the right man for myself who will treat me well with the chances that I perhaps might not find that man?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 No, poor S, don't settle, you'd do wrong to yourself and to him-
He is quite full on, and he is in love. But the reason why it bothers you so much it's not some principle affermation " people should maintain their independence within the couple " , it's simply because you are not that into him. If you had the hots for him, his attentions, his gifts, his flowers etc.. would actually please you - you'd be over the moon, independent type or not. Sure, you still could decide to sit him down and explain him that in order not to burn and crash , or to become a fusional couple , you need to slow down and to put some healthy space between you etc.etc., but it would be a rational decision that would cost you some effort. At the beginning, there is no such thing as too much of a good thing :)
The poor guy just irritates you, like an over affectionate dog who's forever tryng to lick your face. Cute ,but... the impulse to administer him a swift kick in his back is always there.
I think he is just not the person you want , regardless of his clingyness . You may scare him into not being so clingy , ( otherwise he loses you ) , you may turn him into a controlled type that only calls once a week...., but you will not like him more for that . Your appreciation comes all from your head, not from your heart or senses.
Do yourself ( and him ) a favour and nip things in the bud before it becomes really hard to disentangle yourself.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 No, don't settle for S or anybody.
Either he is extremely needy, or has never had a relationship before and is unaware he is suffocating you or he hasn't learnt what boundaries are or he is a little bit nuts.
If you wish to maintain a friendship/close friendship with S you will need to lay some ground rules.
Tell him firmly, when you are at work you are being paid to work and not to respond to his texts.
Let him know expensive gifts when you are not in a committed relationship are a turn off (and for lots of people they are because they appear as a crass attempt to purchase love and affection).
Tell him if you hear of him breaking plans with his friends to hang out with you, you will stop being his friend.
Let him know your family and friends are important and you have no intention of dropping any of them for him.
Make sure he is aware which of his behaviours are unacceptable and stick to your guns. I hate the idea of you 'settling' for S, going on as you are and somehow just wandering into a relationship and marriage and children and then realising he is not the guy for a lifetime.
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