A
female
age
30-35,
*s)AINT
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, we've been together before but split up for about half a year before getting back together. Lately, I've noticed a lot of things in him that i see in my parents relationship. My mum is very unhappy, she got married to my dad at 19 years old and had children but she regrets not having a life, my dad is extremely protective, he is controlling of what she is and is not allowed to do and it upsets her to the point she almost hates him.Now, My boyfriend is beginning to do the same thing, ive been noticing it lately, he tells me what he doesnt want me to do, I'm not allowed to go to university and not come back to the town i live in now, he wants to come back here so apparently i have to as well. Im not allowed to move to America, which is what i want to do after university, Im not allowed a tattoo or another piercing...even on my ear...Its my body! Now hes agreeing to let me have a tattoo but hes given me ares of my own body i am not allowed to have one on because he doesnt like it. He never lets go of me in public, he turns off my ipod and music when i'm listening to something he doesnt like, even takes away my ipod sometimes.His idea of his future is to get married and have kids....with me. My views are that i dont want children or to get married, he knows this and hates it, thinking im being awkward. The reason i dont want kids is because i am exactly like my mum, i would give up my own happiness for someone else, i put others before me. If i have children I know that i am going to be unhappy and miserable because it is not what i want. But hes so controlling i fear that i wont achieve what i want in life because of him. He makes me feel like im not allowed to be me or make my own decisions.At the same time, i do love him because he is such a sweet guy and very loving...but i dont know...i feel that eventually its going to get too much for me. Its upsetting me, and when i try to open up to him he laughs or thinks im being silly. I dont want to hurt him...but do i end it? What to do....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I agree with Emily. I was recently in the same situation and it doesn't get any better. I know you stay hoping things will change and he promises change but doesn't keep the promise. My situation got so bad I was even expected to ride in the car with my hands where he wanted them. You need to get away from this guy before it gets worse or physical because it will. When you dump a controller he will whine & cry, promise to change and even threaten killing himself. This is all only to keep you in his life and keep control over you. When you do dump him it is important to have no contact him after that at all.
Best of Luck to You!
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (21 May 2009):
 i agree with emily. i was in the same position as you once or twice and its not till i realise what their doing or how their doing it but no matter what you are your own person and no one will tell you what to do they do not own you, if you wanna go get drunk you do that you wanna get a tattoo go get one. the only person who should have control of you is you. i think your posting on here not because your smart and being silly but you want reinforcement on removing him from your life you love him and dont wanna give him up but you know it wont work so you want that push.. get rid of him, you dont want to be like your mum then get rid or tell him wisen up or move on. your mum ddnt have the strength you have so make a difference take control. good luck hun xx
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Sounds like you have some amazing dreams and this guy just doesn't feature in them, and that is your choice. University will change you both. You will make so many new friends who will change who you are as a person (and often in a good way). You have a very balanced view of relationships and it's great to see that you know what you want from life.
Don't worry about hurting him as breaking up in the short term will be easier, it gets more difficult the longer you leave it. Go off to uni and live your dreams, don't let them slip through your fingers for a guy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I am a 27 year old female, I was in a 10 year relationship from the age of 16. We were supposed to get married last year but i pulled out. i broke everybodies heart, but at the end of the day, i felt trapped simply because i hadn't lived, (plus my boyfriend was never controlling like yours!) I suppose what i'm trying to say is that you are so young, you have so much living to do, your teen years are precious, a time for you to grow, exactly how you want to grow, i got tattoos at the age of 16, a mistake, i realise now, but it was MY mistake, and i have learned and grown into who i am today because i made my own mistakes. Don't ever let anybody tell you who to be, we all change as individuals all of the time, we need space to do this, your boyfriend sounds to me like a very insecure person, weaker than most, he has issues and needs to sort out his own life, i understand you might think you love him and underneath it all he probably is a really good guy, but for now, for his sake and for yours, live your lives, have fun, meet different people, be an individual, love yourself first and everyone else will follow.. I hope this helps!!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 May 2009):
Oh My God. He's TELLING you what you are NOT ALLOWED to do and you are asking if he's controlling? For a smart girl you are being really stupid.
He has the most control of any 16 year old girl I have ever seen! Parents DREAM of that kind of control.
Learn from your parents relationship and dump this guy for good.
NO MAN should ever EVER tell you what you can and can't do. My husband told me to come away from an unexploded bomb in Iraq and I said "Yeah in a minute."
If you are clever enough to university then you are clever enough to remember this rule:
If any guy ever tells you what you can and can't do then you laugh in his face and cut contact straight away.
Who the hell does he think he is?
Dump him and follow your dreams.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, summerslady21  +, writes (21 May 2009):
You are very young and this is very much an issue of control! He is your boyfriend not your father! I say that it is not safe. Hell go get your tattoo or piercing where you want without him being there and then explain to him that you can make decisions on your own! The way I see things is you have one life to live why not live it how you want! He really needs to understand that telling you that you are not to do things you decide will ruin things and you will probably do more than you decide! Just out of spite. Honey relationships like this can turn out to be a bad thing! My opinion is to be who you want to be no one should ever tell you what you can or can't do! Also they should not tell you WHO you are to be!I hope I could help! If you need to talk more you can message me! Good luck !
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female
reader, nikki_smith +, writes (21 May 2009):
HEY girl it's your body and your life he acts like he's your father he wants to run your life and his....... if I was you I'd do what I want to do with my life and leave him
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A
female
reader, gemmaxx09 +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Yes that is very controlling, don't let him do that, tell him if u wanna piercing that your going to get one, if you let him tell you what to do he's gunna do it coz he knows you will listen, just because your in a relationship doesn't mean he can tell you what to so. If you bring it up again and he laffs again tell him you're serious and if he doesn't listen u need to have a serious talk bout ur relationship coz ur supposed to be able to listen to each other when there is a problem. I'm not going to say to just end it because as you say you really love him, try and sort it out first before making a decision like that
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