A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:is having sex with prostitutes a bad idea when your a beginner like me? ive only ever had sex with prostitutes because i cant get girls any other way. they have no interest in clubs, pubs or any where else, there always horrible to me and call me names in rare cases they attack me so im forced to go to see prostitutes, ive only lost my virginity 4 months ago and that was to a prostitute since then ive had sex with more, but one problem i have is before i started having sex i used to watch a lot of porn for about 8 years and masterbate for over a decade as well, and because of this i do find it difficult sometimes to keep an erection during sex even when in my head im eroused, i find it difficult to ejaculate as well, it might be something to do with the fact prostitutes always have a time limit and i always worry that i wont be able to finish before that time limit, i also worry the minute my erection starts to go and frantically try and get it back,also ive noticed it happens more when i have intercourse than when i recieve oral or different types of masterbation, sometimes when i have sex i feel tired to start off with so maybe thats something to do with it, sometimes i feel really exited about having sex but when it comes to the act i cant perform properly and when i try really hard to ejaculate i cant, it just goes soft,this is all causing me a lot of stress and i would like someone to tell me whats wrong with me and how i can sort out my erction problems and how i can stop stressing and been depressed about it. by the way i always use condoms which i think maybe something to do with it, i can only ejaculate by my self and i dont smoke, take drugs and drink very rarely, i eat fairly healthily, im not fat but i dont do a terrible amount of exercise i tend to sit in a lot
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionchavs are people who think there hard and they swagger around been rude and obnoxious
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 Then it's self-confidence and attitude. You'll have to forgive me, but I'm American and don't know what a 'chav' is...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your reply but the bizarre thing is i am clean dress smartly always wash my hair and my hair isnt particularly long,i think it might be because im quite short and quiet,but what i dont understand is that some filthy blokes who dont clean get loads of girls where i come from and really ugly guys do.i just dont know whats up it is bizarre,maybe its because the girls guys try set me up with are chavs.but as ive said its nothing to do with hair and clothes or cleansieness or even popularity,i have a lot of friends.but i will try find out why,maybe im to ugly or to good looking thats all i can think of.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2008):
Q1605 is right on this - there is someone out there for you. The trick is to one, go to where she is and second, be ready to meet her.
So your confidence is crap right now. This is a problem because people in general are drawn to positive, self-confident types and tend to ignore people who do not seem happy or seem sullen. The cocky blokes might be real idiots but are fun to be around. Stupid, I know, but that's just the way it is. So you have to figure out how to get around that.
Think of the reverse problem. The really good-looking or sexy women get most of the attention. The plainer, less-blessed-in-the-looks-department girls get overlooked and ignored, even though they have the exact same equipment as their prettier sisters. It's all in the packaging.
I cannot believe that there is not one regular girl anywhere in your neighborhood. I think that your attitude is probably a bit bristly and quite frankly expectant of rejection after the years of getting nowhwere. I'm going to suggest to you that your attitude at this point probably needs to change. And this is going to be the most difficult part, but it sounds like you have a huge chip on your shoulder for the women you meet.
So to sum up, we need to work on your self-confidence, your packaging and your attitude.
Have you ever sat your mates down or even better, one of your female friends, and asked for a frank assessment of you as dating material? What does YOUR 'packaging' consist of? Do you smell good, are your clothes, body, teeth etc. clean? I'm really not trying to be mean here. We had a poster a while ago, who had a good male friend who quite frankly, stank. He never washed his clothes and didn't bathe enough. She would try to set him up on dates, and would have to remind him to take a bath, change into a clean shirt and brush his teeth. He did not believe that it was his personal hygiene that was keeping women away, he blamed them for not seeing the real him. If he'd simply have followed her advice, he would have been inundated with dates. So I'm covering all the bases here. If you don't smell good, fix that right away, and be disciplined about it. I am not joking on this.
It could be your body language, maybe you don't look people in the eye, maybe you smile inappropriately or at the wrong time or not enough. There's a lot of things that people do that they are not aware of. You need to get some self-awareness on this, painful as it might be.
You said you don't smoke or do drugs and drink rarely, so it's not likely that those are the issue. You're not overweight but you don't get enough exercise.
So ask one or two of your best female friends and get the objective list of your attributes. The good ones, and more importantly, the bad ones. Because there is something that is keeping you from even getting a single date or phone number. Do NOT get angry with the friends for their answers. This has to be an honest list from them, and they should not be punished for being 'mean' to you. There may be something that is patently obvious to others but had never occurred to you.
Don't bother asking the prostitutes because they are not going to say anything that might be construed as mean. They do not want to lose a customer.
Then figure out what in that list you have control over, and work on it.
On to the self-confidence piece. What do you like to do? What are you good at? If you say nothing much BBBBZZZZZZ wrong answer. If you say nothing much that girls like BZZZZZZZZZ wrong answer. If you say I am really good at this (fill in the blank here), well then we've got a starting point. Because there is some girl out there who is interested in what it is you're good at. And you have to go do this thing you're good at in a group of people who like the same thing. Finding someone who shares your passion for something is a bonus. If you don't have a passion, hmm, that's something to work on too. What is your bliss? (from Joseph Campbell, really cool author and scholar of mythology, I highly recommend him).
Another key to self-confidence is getting some endorphin highs. You say you don't exercise. Well, now you do. I don't really care to hear any excuses for this. You will now, every morning, get up and walk or run if you can for at least 20 minutes, preferably 30 minutes. Of course, if you're not physically able to do this, or there is some medical reason you cannot, then you are excused. But then maybe this might have some bearing on your situation? The idea is to get your heart beating a bit. This little bit of exercise will do a lot good for your head, it clears your thinking and gets you moving through the day with a positive attitude. Did you ever notice how really fit people are so irritatingly energetic and positive all day? Well that's because of the endorphins they are producing that influence their whole mental attitude all day.
On to your attitude. Right now, you are blaming all the women you meet, the neighborhood you live in, the fact that most of your friends live far away, you are blaming everyone but yourself. You need to adjust your attitude. If you say it's because you have red hair, then dye it. If your hair is too long, cut it. If you have bad teeth, fix them. If your attitude is negative, then turn it around through this endorphin habit I want you to develop.
This is not going to happen overnight, obviously, you are going to need to give it some time. And let go this feeling of frustration. This is negative thinking and just continues the cycle. Easier said than done, I know, but this will happen if you embrace the positive changes you are about to start in your life.
I've given you a lot of things to think about and work on. Let me know if this feels workable to you. After all, what do you have to lose?
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontisha 1 to answer your questions i would define regular girls as ones you see in clubs and such,also when i talk about the girls been horrible in my area i mean that a lot of them are cockteases and are into nasty bad lads not shy guys like me,also my definition of a slut is someone who sleeps around without protection.i dont acturally dislike women as i have good friends which are girls but most of them are not from my area,as ive said not many lads get girls where i live unless there cocky horrible blokes as thats the only type of guys the girls tend to like,what people dont understand is that loads of times my mates have tried to get me girls but they always turn me down and this has been going on for years,i go on dating sites and write to loads of them and never get any replys even on flirtomatic i get no replys,i go to clubs and pubs and no girls ever talk to me or dance with me even though my mates get girls coming up to them and talking to them and sometimes they get numbers,i never get this,i very rarely have any girls interested in me and if i do they have boyfriends or too young so people must understand how this kills my confidence,it doesnt help when you get girls laughing at me as well so i have no choice to go to prostitutes,it is just a last resort but i have to do it because girls just arent attracted to me so what can i do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2008):
I have to ask you a couple of questions before I can give you my reply. Please don't feel judged, I'm trying to understand a couple of things so I can give my best advice.
Please define what a 'regular girl' means to you, and I don't mean for you to say 'not a prostitute', I mean what do you think a 'regular girl' is.
You say you don't really want a girlfriend, does that mean you're looking for a 'friend with benefits'?
What do you mean that the regular girls in your area are so horrible?
And what is your definition of a 'slut'?
One last question, if a 'regular girl' did sleep with you, would she then become a 'slut' in your eyes?
Thanks, sorry for all the questions, but I'm really trying to understand what it is you're looking for, and then I can try to help as best I can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfair enough,but i'm not sure how and where i go to speak to normal girls,that would help
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I don't think that's good.
Of course it's up to you what sort of sex you want, and if visiting massage parlours feels comfortable to you then I guess that's what you do.
But you asked. You asked whether we think it's a bad idea. You also mentioned your erectile problems. And the answer is that no, I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's quite possible your lack of desire to form a normal relationship with a girlfriend may well be part of the cause of your erectile problems. Wanting to visit prostitutes in place of making any effort to develop a relationship isn't healthy. I think you will have all sorts of problems if you carry on this way, social, psychological and general personal issues that aren't going to go away.
Sex is at its best when it's between two people who care deeply for each other. That should be something for everyone to aim at.
If you weren't having the problems "performing properly" then I would simply say it's your decision although I would advise against it. As you are having those problems, then I have to say I think you need to stop and take a very different direction - concentrate on forming a realtionship with real people, not those who play-act their "love".
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont want a girl friend though,i just want fun and if the regular girls in my area wernt so horrible then i wouldnt go to prostitutes,you cant make people interested in you if there not and to be honest the prostitutes are acturally cleaner at least they wear condoms,i know i lot of people hate punters and have this stereotype of them been creepy old men but im very much a normal bloke,i have mates which are girls its just that they regular girls dont want to have sex with me.and to be honest a lot of them are sluts which sleep around without wearing any protection so there worse than prostitutes,as i said i dont go to ones on the streets i go to massage parlours which are clean and a lot safer,i would like regular girls interested in me but what can you do,most of my mates have the same problem and some of them are very confident blokes
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Well, like someone said, you have trouble connecting to women. That's something you need to fix.
Have you ever thought that prostitutes are girls, too, and they have feelings, fall in love, have dreams, et cetera? Have you ever thought that, for all the times they are in bed, maybe sometimes they truly makes love, while the rest of the time they just make their bodies available for money?
If you use the ones in the street, from a moral point of view it's the same as if you use the ones that bill a thousand dollars a day. And you're as much at fault as they are, if not more: they might need the money, while you don't.
Susan Strict gave an option: someone who specializes in sex therapy. But then you will also need to learn how to connect to women.
Wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Well prostitutes are nicer because they are paid to be, it does not mean they are being genuine even with themselves. After that life they are probably happy to have a friendly word. They would not want to be with you, unless you paid them. Whenever you buy something you expect people to be customer friendly. But you can't buy love. Choose slow and well when you pick a girlfriend. If you are looking for certain qualities you may need to change where you are looking and if that is not in your peer group you may have to look again at the friends you keep and change your horizons
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replys everybody,by the way the prostitutes i use are in massage parlours not the street ones because that's just sick,as i said i use them because regular girls dont like me or if they do there either got boyfriends or just like me as friends,no one knows i use them as i dont tell anyone and i never am because i know that its not socially acceptable even for a young man like me,i dont really want a relationship with any girls as i feel that they cost more in the long term than prostitutes and ive seen all the trouble they cause my mates,but it probably better if i had a girl friend that was nice to me but where i come from they like bad boys or very confident guys which im not.disturbingly the prostitutes are acturally nicer than the regular girls
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): yes!
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 June 2008):
Leaving aside moral issues for the moment, I'm sure you could learn a lot about sex from prostitutes if you pick the right ones and are prepared (and able) to pay for it. If you are going to the average "girl on the street" then you are quite definitely wasting your time. My guess is that you will end up more frustrated than ever. If you MUST take that route (and there are many, many reasons why you shouldn't, although perhaps most of them are less valid now that you've started) then find a web site that deals with professional escorts (there is at least one in the UK where you will find what you need) and find some who specialise in sex therapy. Exchange e-mails explaining your needs and problems, but don't spend your money until you are absolutely sure you have found someone who understands what you want and is able to provide it.
Unfortunately, although you may learn about sex and may even resolve your erection problems, you will learn very little about relationships, and that is what I think you need more than anything. In fact, it's not just relationships, it's relating to people generally. It's far too wide a subject to try to deal with here, particularly when we know so little about you other than your sexual problems. May I suggest that you concentrate first on trying simply to be social. Have a conversation. Don't expect sex, or a relationship, or anything more than - anything like that is a bonus. Just concentrate on being a normal, social, casual friend.
Pubs and clubs aren't the best places to do this, particularly if it's an area you are finding difficult. Think about organisations that actually do something - whether it's raising money for charity, playing a game or sport, or connected with some sort of hobby. Find something that interests you, even if you don't have a particularly deep interest in it. Practice relating to people on a normal level, and then when it comes to relating on a sexual level it will be so much easier and more successful.
Consider doing this INSTEAD of visiting prostitutes. It will take much longer before you get your sexual needs taken care of, of course, but in the long run it will be so much more satisfying. It's quite likely that your particular difficulties would simply disappear in the right relationship with the right girl... and then you would curse yourself for all the money you've wasted on the prostitutes, and you'll always have that little secret nagging at you and making you feel guilty.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): You sound like you have real problems connecting with women properly and have issues with being intimate. The experiences with prostitutes are making that worse I imagine, especially if you have already been relying on porn. I understand why you have done this but suggest counselling because you are getting too far from reality and I wonder whether you actually like women. Lots of girls would filter you out as a possible good bet if they knew you had paid for sex. Do be aware and be careful who you tell.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): It doesn't seem to me that prostitutes will teach you much about foreplay and pleasing a partner, which is at least half the joy of sex. Do you have any idea why regular girls are horrible to you and even attack you? It seems like you've been trying to learn how to run before you could crawl.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 June 2008):
Sorry, "you're" asking, not "your".
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 June 2008):
Your asking many questions :-). Let's try to answer them, one by one.
Should you have sex with prostitutes? This question has many aspects to it. I will give you some ideas and YOU will make your own decision. I usually don't like it when someone tells me I can't do this or that.
You're sleeping with prostitutes because you don't get to have sex any other way, and because you want to have some sort of "training" in sexual technique. I need to mention that, where I live and in times not so ancient, most men had their first sexual experiences, and their "training" with prostitutes. They were the only women who would do such a thing. The average girl wouldn't sleep with anyone before marriage. Also, if a pregnancy ensued, no one would force the boy to marry a prostitute, while angry fathers would sometimes resort to "persuasion" that sometimes was plentiful in a shotgun. Men were expected to know "everything" and be perfect lovers by the time they married. And that used to happen very early. So, many men did what you do, and I don't hear complaints.
From a strictly "utilitarian" point of view, these women are not really giving you sexual release. They are not helping you with technique, either. Maybe a woman who had a relationship with you would be more willing to accept that you don't know everything and you need some "training" and experience. At your age, however, you might be unlucky and not find someone who would be that understanding. And I know you don't want to be embarrassed when the big moment does come your way.
You used to watch a lot of porn because you're a healthy male with healthy urges and that, coupled with masturbation, was your way to find release, as you're a shy guy, too.
You have trouble keeping the erection because your penis is now used to the sensations that your hand, or the girl's mouth, is giving. These are different from the sensation a vagina gives. You need to stop the masturbation for a while and that will work wonders. You also need to stop being so nervous about "performing" well. You're learning, man; accept it. Be blunt with your girls about it, as in "don't expect me to be perfect".
Yep, the condom does diminish your sensations. However, don't stop using it. Use the "sensitive" type. DON'T STOP USING THE CONDOM.
You feel tired with sex because sex is a physical activity, while masturbation is simply a movement of your hand. Work out.
I think you would get more from an adventurous lady who wanted to show you "the facts of life", as people used to say in my time. But that's my opinion.
Many women don't like to know that you slept with prostitutes. Understandably so.
If the time limit is a problem, have you thought about paying twice the amount?
It's your call, man. Good luck.
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