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male
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anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend about six weeks. Without doubt, what's best about our relationship is the physical aspect. When she is in my arms we seem to melt into one another and my mind floats away. When we wake up together naturally entwined I'm at such peace that nothing else matters. I could stay like that forever and so could she.We have similar tastes and enjoy similar activities.Where the relationship lacks is in communication, sharing thoughts, ideas, outlooks, desires, feelings. I am nowhere near as relaxed speaking my mind with her as I am when we're silently holding each other. There isn't that level of trust and friendship, at least not right now.If my girlfriend and I are going to last we need to be best friends. I want to enjoy doing absolutely anything with her, not just wordlessly nuzzling. It's lovely at the time but sooner or later the time always comes for us to go about our daily business and by that time my mind's just a load of mush! If I'm honest I think we resort to the cuddles because the conversation isn't very good. I hate to be negative but better to be negative and honest than positive and false.What techniques can I use to stimulate communication and keep my mind energised with my girlfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I've had a similar situation, where only my girlfriend and I have been hugging. Although, unlike your situation, we talk a lot, ecpecially over facebook, but when we really talk in real life, we have a TON of awkward silences. Please help...
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (20 June 2008):
 I think that being able to feel comfortable with someone is far more important than the sexual spark - which doesn't mean the relationship will last if there's no spark at all. Equally, in fact more so, if all that exists is the sexual spark then it's not going to last.
If the comfortable feeling is there, then the spark can often be created by looking a little outside the lines of "conventional" sex. If you don't find your partner stimulating enough in bed, then you need to firstly think about what would stimulate you; secondly consider whether she can be that stimulation, that fantasy; thirdly communicate to her what you need.
So, in view of your clarification, I withdraw my previous comment! You do need to communicate. It may not actually need to be conversation, but at the very least it needs to be a communication that tells her what you need and gives her the opportunity to reply by words or actions.
What do you need in bed? Don't tell us! Tell her or show her - or, at least, if it really is something you can't see yourself going through life without ever having, then you have to make sure she knows what it is.
Above all, don't underestimate the value of being able to feel comfortable with someone. Many, many people go through life with a partner who they never really feel completely comfortable with. So many marriages and long-term partnerships are based on little more than lust and desire that fades in time, and for them all that is left is the convenience of an empty relationship that, if they're lucky, is more familiar and easy to stay with than to break. If you have that feeling of comfort and closeness, then that emptiness isn't something you are ever going to have to experience if and when the spark fades.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat should have read "...we have NO need to express our needs or boundaries...".
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Uncle Sneaker, Brigid and Susan Strict.
The problem I still have is that I'm not that into her sexually. I feel I've jumped in with both feet before checking the depth or temperature of the water and without considering whether a swim is my first priority.
When we met I felt almost completely at ease with her and thought to myself "Well that's that then. Easy! My search is over." When we are just quietly holding one another, the relationship can be anything we each want it to be - we have need to express our needs and boundaries - it's all perfect. However, when we have sex I fantasise about something physically different, that I find more stimulating, and when we aren't in bed, although we do nice things together like good picnics or going to dinner or cooking or going to the shops, although I'm still comfortable, I'm not mentally or physically turned on.
Could this have something to do with me having weak boundaries? I think if the status quo continues without me saying something about it I run the risk of becoming quite depressed again.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Enjoy it. Once a woman starts talking, you can NEVER shut her up (and, if you take my advice, you'll never try to shut her up!)
Of course you have to talk, have converstions, discuss your future, but there's absolutely no need to rush it. Looking into her eyes and she looking into yours can say more than a million words. Words between two lovers, two real lovers, are much less important than the non-verbal communication, and all too frequently the words only get in the way - partly because they can't ever express the feelings in the way you really want to express them, and partly because you start feeling obliged to say things that don't need to be said and ask things that don't need to be asked.
The conversations will come all too soon. Let them come naturally, when they're unavoidable and not before.
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female
reader, Brigid +, writes (17 June 2008):
Well, I think it's great that you are concerned that your relationship develop beyond just the physical.
It has only been six weeks so it is early days yet. The most obvious thing to do first is suggest going on dates that will stimulate conversation ie. a film or a meal. Shared experiences will give you a starting point for conversations, they also then become good memories that you share. I would suggest a film first as this requires no conversation to start with! You can then obviously discuss the film afterwards.
As for your mind turning to mush - you ain't the first and you won't be the last! Before you meet your girlfriend try and think of a couple of topics of conversation that you think might be of interest to both of you. These could be national events on which you have an opinion or local goings on.
Don't stress too much about this, you will find that as you get to know each other better and start having shared experiences - other than melting in each others arms! - conversation and mental closeness will develop naturally.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 June 2008):
Talk? Why talk?
Communication doesn't have to involve words. Right now you are communicating in the best possible way. Don't spoil it by talking about it!
Plenty of time for talking later. Enjoy the wordless nuzzling.
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