A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and are just in the process of buying a house. She is wanting to have children in the next 2 years. The problem is I have never really been interested in having a child. I have a good job which I love and I also love the life we have now so it really isn't something I think about apart from when I feel like a blip in system for not going giddy at the thought. I spend a lot of time recently thinking about the baby issue as my partner is starting to drop more and more hints and trying to gauge my reactions. I would never just do it for the sake of it as that would not be fair to my partner or the child but I find it difficult to figure out what I am going to do. I also feel that as my partner hates her job but is not motivated to change anything I get the impression she thinks motherhood will give her purpose in life. Unfortunately everyone I try and speak to for advice looks at me like I have two heads for not wanting to start a family (my own parents included)maybe I am just a strange case. Of course we had the discussion early on about kids and I said I wasn't sure because, well I wasn't, but due to parents and friends input I get told that "it's just what you do - my parents even went as far as to say "don't be selfish we want grandchildren and to carry on the family name"So what do I do? I don't want to split up from my partner nor do I want to rob her of the experience that she clearly craves. I also don't want to just do it to please someone else as that would be crazy in my opinion. Is having a child something that you can end up thinking wow this is the best thing I have ever done or do you stick with your gut feeling? I hate to admit that also the sex has stopped as she is not on birth control and in no way do I want my decision made by a ripped piece of latex. Help :(
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (8 May 2018):
My goodness no, of course I wasn’t suggesting having children purely to keep you company in old age so sorry if my post read like that to anyone! I was more getting at the fact my auntie has always envisioned her life surrounded by a big family, but never considered the fact that people pass away and others become more entrenched in their own immediate families as they grow larger, and she now wishes she’d thought about the long term implications of not having children rather than only focusing on what they would cost her in terms of freedom and money when they were small. This is by no means the way everyone will think. I’m simply relaying what someone in this position told me but I’m sure there are many others that never regret their decision not to have any.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): I don't think you should have a child just because your girlfriend wants to. Also, are you planning a wedding? if not, why would you buy a house together?I think ultimately you might be incompatable, since you cannot really compromise on the want or not want children issue. If you do not want them, or want to wait, you should wait! Do not let anyone pressure you into fatherhood.You are still very young and have lots of time. Enjoy each other, get married, then talk about growing the family a few years after that. If you do not plan on getting married, I don't think you should have children together, buy property together, or mingle finances much. It gets too sticky legally.My husband and I had a wonderful 9 years of marriage that was child free, and 5 years together before that. Don't miss out on time for the two of you. You will never get it back. Hope this helps, R
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 May 2018):
 As a carer of mostly elderly people, it's an unfortunate fact that having children (particularly ones you weren't eager to have) doesn't remotely guarantee you'll have company when you're elderly.I see seven clients regularly. One doesn't have children. Of the six who do, only two see their family weekly. The rest see them anywhere between once per month and once every few months (if at all). It's a sad fact of life that many move away or aren't on good terms with their parents, so set up hourly carers and that's the case.We do a range of things from personal care to companionship, so people without children don't have to be alone - nor do those with estranged or long distance families.It's rather selfish to have children so they will keep you company or look after you when you're old so, whilst I know that's not what's being suggested, I wanted to give you the carers' perspective.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (7 May 2018):
You’ve already had some great advice, but I just wanted to add another point of view based on a conversation I had with my auntie not that long ago. Note that this isn’t designed to change your mind one way or the other, it’s just something I’d never thought about until I had the conversation and I thought it might help you.
My auntie never wanted children. She stuck to her guns and never had any, and she told me she’s lived a mostly happy and fulfilled life without them. She and my uncle have travelled, paid off their mortgage and they are financially secure enough that they were both able to retire before the age of 60. However, she is now 68 and recently confided in me that she increasingly regrets her decision.
She said it was fine when she was younger. She still had a lot of friends and family around, including her parents. Although all of her friends had kids of their own, she never felt lonely as she always had people to turn to and to socialise with. In fact, it sounds as though things didn’t change much for her and my uncle, aside from the fact they were auntie and uncle to us (and honorary auntie and uncle to their friends kids).
Yet now, she’s finding that she’s feeling increasingly lonely as she gets older. Her parents are no longer here and most of her friends are grandparents, and she’s finding she’s seeing them less and less as they slow down and settle into the grandparent role. Although we still see her, it’s nowhere near as often as we used to as we all have partners, careers and families of our own to manage. We do our best to still include both her and my uncle and I know she appreciates it, but it’s true that we do see our own parents more often and she feels a little left out.
In fact, she said for the first time in her life, she feels envious of the bond her friends and siblings have with their adult children, as she doesn’t have that with anyone. She still has friends and family for sure, but essentially her immediate family is only her husband, whereas everyone else she knows has dozens of family members around them. Essentially, she feels like an add on a lot of the time, rather than a key family member. Which we don’t agree with of course, but it is fair to say that the bond we have with our auntie and uncle is hugely different to the one we have with our parents and she can feel that difference too. And with my uncle about to turn 70, my auntie is worried about what will happen to the other if one of them were to pass away.
So her advice to me, which I’m now passing on to you, is this. Don’t only think about the short term. It’s easy to focus on children being young and demanding, and sapping you of your money and freedom, but it won’t be like that forever. Think of how you envision your old age. If you’re a bit of a loner and don’t enjoy having a lot of people around you, then you’ll be fine. But if you’re not, then think long and hard about your decision as you can’t rely on friends and extended family to always be as involved in your life as they have been previously.
So there you have it. Please note that I’m not intending for this to scare you or say that kids are the only option, far from it. It’s just a perspective I’d never thought of before so thought it might help. I think at our age (late 20s, early 30s) it’s easy to say that we like our lives as they are and we want to hang on to that, but we often forget that life will change whether we want it to or not. So it’s worth thinking long term sometimes to make sure we’re setting ourselves up for the future we want.
I wish you all the best with your decision.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 May 2018):
 I had a son at 24 and got married. Looking back I was too young and not good with decisions. I was never against having children or not having children. I did have my mother instincts but not to the point that I love baking cookies and planning surprise parties for my kid. Compared to other people, I was sheltered and had a good upbringing. As Chinese, I am a late bloomer because Chinese parents often baby their children.
At 28 I became a single parent and lived isolated from the rest of my family. Financially I did okay and there was no pressure. My son can be challenging and there were times I regretted the decision. But that was only when one of us got moody and stressed. Most of the times we are happy. My son grew up to be healthy, strong and extremely tall, unlike me and his dad who is average. I doubt he would go to an ivy league college but he is full of drive in life.
I don't think, "wow, this is the best thing I have ever done but I never regret having my son." I just think, I chose my path. I could have had an abortion. Now I have him. My personal motto is, whatever you choose, don't regret it and just do your best you can. If you stay with your girlfriend and decide to have kids, be happy with it and don't second guess your decision. Don't think out loud, "you women made me have kids just so that I can stay in the relationship, and that's you majority." It's your decision too. If you come here with a post like this, it means you are not dead set against having kids.
That was my general opinion but in your case, your girlfriend hates her job. I feel, anyone who hates anything could hate being a mother too. I don't care what job you are getting, you put your heart into it. You apply for other jobs but until then you make the most out of your current job. She might be looking for a meal ticket and not ever think about a new job after she becomes a mother. You will end up resenting this. It takes much more to be a supportive mother and wife nowadays because rent gets so high. It's unlikely that if you make a deal, "I will agree to have kids if you agree to work after having a baby" that she would follow through. If she refuses to work to share the financial burden, that tells you clearly what kind of person she is. That she only cares about her needs and not yours.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 May 2018):
You're right not to have them if you don't want them - not everyone does and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, it is wrong to stay together when you're not compatible in this department. Kids or not is uncompromisable. Don't buy a house together. There's no future here without someone doing something they don't want to - you having kids or her not having them.
You know this. It's sad, but it needs to be stopped now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 May 2018):
 I also vowed to never have kids, primarily because my own upbringing got harsh, and I didn't want to pass any dysfunction down to another generation. I also was very work-oriented, and while my husband was open to having kids (and his parents were OBSESSED with becoming grandparents, and his brother had just come out as gay and was adamant about not procreating either), he had said that he'd rather be married to me and never have kids than be with anyone else.
Fast forward to nearly a year into our marriage. He had gone to India for a long time, and his trip was a dangerous one. Anyways, we were apart for a couple of months, and the day he got home, after going through customs and getting home, I had had a reaction to the birth control I was on and was to see a doctor to switch BC. In the meantime, the moment we got home, we said "FORGET CONDOMS!" and ripped each other's clothes off each other with reckless abandon. We got busy 6 (yes, SIX) times in a 24 hour period and saw and talked to NO ONE ELSE.
Needless to say, he was potent and NOt firing blanks. I got pregnant and had our son 9 months later. I was terrified throughout the pregnancy, and right when he was born, I felt like the most incompetent mother in the history of parenting.
But my son is the best thing that ever happened to me, right up there with being married in the first place. My fears about passing along a harsh upbringing with a lot of physical punishment (slapping and whipping) were unfounded. His upbringing was gentle and full of fun, and neither my husband not myself ever raised a hand to him, and very seldom even raised our voices. We lucked out and had a very good and sweet baby, so I don't pat myself on the back.
He's about to graduate high school in a month. When I first came on here at DC, he was only 9 years old. It is an exquisite joy beyond joy to show a little kid the world, to travel, to see great things like art and music, and to see him grow into his own adult.
If you don't want to have a kid, there's nothing wrong with that. But if your girlfriend wants kids, you need to let her go now, because it's a dealbreaker if one person is set on kids and the other isn't. My husband was okay with not having one, but he was absolutely crazy about being a parent when I showed him the pregnancy test. But had he told me that he was dead set on being a father, I would have had to let him go before we married. It's selfish to stay with someone who wants to be a parents when there's ZERO percent chance you will ever want to.
She should not be stopping birth control without your consent. My husband never pressed the issue with me. In fact, he was like "Are you sure?? THis is not the good time of the month!" and I respond YOu asked if people ever changed their mind, and I say emphatically YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!. Being a parent was the BEST! And it goes SO FAST! I felt like my son was going into Kindergarten not too many years ago, and now he's been accepted to a prestigious college and is at the jumping-off point of his own life! My husband and I are celebrating by having a second honeymoon in Vegas! You don't lose your life or freedom by becoming a parent. You change the world by having kids, and it's a legacy far beyond a job, or a business, or a hobby. If you're religious, and I was when I was younger, I was told this:
Money you can't take with you. Prestige you can't take with you, but if you believe in life after death, you CAN take offspring and re-join parents who went before you. In other words, you affect eternity by being a parent. I fully believe that. You may not, and I respect that. But it's my take on things as a former member of the "I'll never have kids" club.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 May 2018):
 Like you, I have never had an urge to procreate. Being female and quite a bit older than you, I was frequently viewed as a freak and asked what was wrong with me while, all around me, my friends were popping babies like there was some sort of competition running. My own mother told me she was disappointed and ashamed of me when I told her I didn't actually EVER want children. (I was sure of this from quite early in my life and have consistently remained so.) I am now at an age where the decision no longer has to be made as it can't happen without expensive doctor intervention and newspaper headlines, lol!
Do I regret the decision? Absolutely not. Do I think my life would have been any better/more fulfilling if I had had children? I very much doubt it. I have directed my energies into areas of my life about which I feel passionately, including helping others. Do I think I would have "learned to live with it" if I had had children? Most probably but how sad for the child/children involved.
If you do have a child, or children, you PROBABLY will love at least some aspects of being a dad. However, there will be other aspects which will drive you crazy. Even people who WANT children and love them have to admit to this. Parenthood is hard work, challenging but, ultimately (I am told, lol!) worth it.
Sadly I see too many children with parents who gave no thought to their children's long term welfare when they decided to produce them. I see too many parents who had children for the wrong reasons (accidents, partner pressure, an alternative to going out to work). It starts with the "terrible twos" when they are already telling these kids how "bad" they are. It carries on and escalates when they are teenagers and REALLY pushing all their parents' buttons and boundaries.
Full credit to you for actually THINKING about this topic and not being pressured into doing it because it is expected or because others, like your parents, are putting you on a guilt trip. Your parents will not be the ones who will be getting broken sleep night after night because the baby is teething. Your parents are not the ones who will be having to take another life into account in EVERYTHING they do for the next however many years. Your parents are not the ones who will have ultimate responsibility for this life.
You and your girlfriend need to sit down and discuss this topic TO THE END, even if it means you are going to possibly lose her. This is not a subject you can compromise on. It is all or nothing. If you cannot go into this whole heartedly, then you need to find yourself a partner who does not want kids either. This is too big a topic to be in disagreement over. I would suggest you do this sooner rather than later, i.e. before you actually purchase the house.
If you are not SURE, then I would advise NOT to do it. Don't screw up someone else's life and your own because you were too weak to stick to what you believed was right for YOU. Babies are non-returnable. You cannot have them on approval and send them back if you decide parenthood is not for you. Many relationships break up in the first couple of years of children arriving because so much added pressure is experienced because of this added responsibility, and that is for couples who BOTH want the child involved. I suspect, if you go into this grudgingly, you will always be dragging your heels and not "into it" whole-heartedly. You will always be feeling "I had a child because SHE wanted one". You will then probably lose your girlfriend anyway but will also have the added responsibility of providing for a child you never really wanted and for being involved in his/her upbringing for the foreseeable future.
Every choice you make comes with a "price tag". Your call.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): "I don't want to split up from my partner nor do I want to rob her of the experience that she clearly craves. I also don't want to just do it to please someone else as that would be crazy in my opinion."You can't have it both ways. You must make a very difficult decision."Is having a child something that you can end up thinking wow this is the best thing I have ever done or do you stick with your gut feeling?"No. Having a child is something that you can end up thinking wow this is the best thing I have ever done or something that you can end up thinking wow this is the worst mistake I have ever made."I hate to admit that also the sex has stopped as she is not on birth control and in no way do I want my decision made by a ripped piece of latex."You shouldn't be ashamed to be making the smartest choice possible given your current circumstances.In the meantime DON'T buy a house together and DON'T get married (I know it's a moot point and I'm old-fashioned and out of touch, but I still don't understand why a woman would even consider making the lifetime commitment of having a kid with a guy who hasn't first made a lifetime commitment to her).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): I think you should think first if you both want to get married or not. If your answer is yes then get married first and after that have children. You can call me old fashioned but I think having children out of wedlock is totally unfair for the child.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (7 May 2018):
 My first husband and I were both in our late twenties and been together for six years. I wanted to have children, and he was very much like yourself, too busy living his life and couldn't see how children could fit in. Again, the same as you and your partner, the contraception was left up to my husband. In a weak moment he decided to let caution go to the wind. I got pregnant. His words to me when I told him - "What are you going to do about it?" - drove a knife into my heart! This should have been the happiest day of my life, but I had been robbed.
This was nearly thirty years ago, but thinking about it still brings tears. Our marriage slowly disintegrated. I became a single mother, and our son rarely saw his father.
This is your life, and you need to live it and make choices that you can live with. But out of fairness, you need to be totally open and honest with your partner. If she wants children, she should be with someone who also wants them. Fairness also to any future children. Children are for life, not just eighteen or so years.
You have to seriously look at your life and how you see your future.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2018):
 Well, you HAVE to make a choice here.
Because it's SELFISH of you to STAY with your GF if SHE wants kids and you don't.
And I think it's a bit reckless to HAVE kids JUST to keep your GF. Kids are for life.
You might NOT change how you feel over time, and that is FINE but you NEED to be honest with your partner. Because HER fertility is on "borrowed" time unlike yours. You can father a child when you are 70... SHE can't. So for HER fertility has an expiration date. Dragging your feet is UNFAIR to her.
For some it IS the best thing they will EVER do. For others it's not.
I have a niece who has popped out 3 kids whom she really didn't give a single F about as soon as they were just a little mobile and she had to interact with them. (also she has lost custody of all 3 kids... and whines about it because she doesn't LIKE others to look down at her for being a crappy mom.. not because she ACTUALLY lost her kids - go figure!)
Don't have kids to please others.
If you have friends with kids, try and spend some time around them and the little ones and see if you can imagine yourself doing that job.
Be honest with your GF. Don't waffle on the subject and CERTAINLY do NOT buy a house together if you two have different goals for the future.
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