A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with a girl for more than a year now. At first it was all going really well but then in last few months we have not stopped fighting. This is frustrating and it's taking A toll on this relationship. She has this habit of over thinking which leads to number of unwanted thoughts and then fights. This is affecting me as I don't like it and she feels that I try to blame her always. With this going on for so long, we have only tried to make it work but the situation is getting only worse. I love her and really don't feel like breaking up. How can I handle this situation? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (7 May 2018):
 We have little to no control over the actions of others, however we do have control over ourselves.Put into the relationship the energy you want to see flourish in it. When she gets antsy and starts screaming, keep calm, answer her questions, smile and move on. Notice how many dogs only chase after the prey when they run away, they sense fear and respond to that emitted energy. When you start shouting back not much progress is made.Tell her that her hair looks nice or suggest the two of you watch a movie. Bring up things to change the subject provided that nothing she's saying about you is true. Give her a reason to smile. If your positive energy over time continues to clash with hers then it's her own insecurities that will push you away.All the best.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 May 2018):
You say ‘she has this habit of overthinking which leads to a number of unwanted thoughts and then fights’ then ‘she feels I try to blame her always’.
Which is exactly what you have done in your post - blame her entirely for the fights you have. I’d suggest you try to listen more instead of always blaming her for ‘overthinking’. That is a dismissive way to refer to someone that’s trying to express their feelings to you, and will immediately make them feel disrespected and attacked.
Not that I’m saying it’s all your fault either, and it may be that her insecurity is the main issue in your relationship, but even if so there is a way you can try to overcome that - you can change how you react to it. Why does her having ‘unwanted thoughts’ as you put it, have to turn into an argument every time? Why don’t you try listening to her and reassuring her instead? Or have a calm discussion about it?
My grandmother used to say ‘the only thing people really want in this world, is to be listened to and have their views respected’ and it’s a brilliant piece of advice to keep in mind. It really applies here too. Why not try to truly understand what her issue is instead of assuming she must be overthinking or overreacting?
Do you see what I mean? As the old saying goes, it’s insanity to keep doing the same thing every time while expecting different results. So why not change the way you react, try to do so with a little more compassion and understanding, and see what happens? I think you’ll be surprised to find that the way she responds is also different and it makes it easier for you both to resolve some of your issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): You both have to learn to discuss things maturely and calmly. Not yell and fight. Fighting occurs when people are exchanging blame; but not really listening to each others side of the issue. There is a battle of wills. Both want to be right; and insisting the other is completely wrong.
Effective-communication means clearly expressing your thoughts, explaining your feelings, and listening. If you talk and don't listen; you're a jerk and a waste of time. If she expects you to read her mind; she's being childish and foolish. A problem isn't over until you fix it. Not just sweeping it under the rug until the next fight. You fix things together; not just give-in to shut each other up!
If there is no patience, compromise, or understanding; there is no peace.
Another reason a couple can't stop fighting is because they are incompatible. Two different personalities that can't work in harmony.
Insecure people need a lot of coddling and reassurance. This is exhausting, and it's unhealthy for a relationship. You'll waste a lot of time catering to their tiresome neediness; and you'll never really get to enjoy loving them. To them, love means always making them feel good. If they are self-absorbed and insecure; that is a futile and endless chore. They are adults, and we all have to learn to resolve and manage our own insecurities. We don't place that burden on the shoulders of others.
Insecurity kills relationships! There, I said it again!
Now about you. If you're taking her for granted, ignoring her, or not listening when she is trying to discuss issues effecting your relationship. You are being a man-boy. She does have a right to bring-up things that you do that upset her, hurt her feelings, or she feels to be disrespectful. If you are dismissive and headstrong; that makes her feel helpless and frustrated. Just because you are a man and can suppress your emotions, doesn't give you a right to force her to suppress or hide hers! So she has now decided, enough is enough.
Most women who complain here on DC, are upset about their boyfriends and husbands using porn, showing no affection, never taking them anywhere, looking at other women, talking down to them, verbal-abuse, too chummy with their exes, bullying, and the big one...CHEATING. If you are guilty of two of these things; you're a bad boyfriend. She needs to kick you to the curb.
If you're fighting all the time, she isn't feeling any love. If she wants to breakup; let her go, and stop wasting her time. She gave you a year to get it right. Instead of things getting better, apparently they've gotten worse. If that is the case; then the right decision is to breakup.
Now print this out, and share it with her. Leave her alone to sort things out. Then have a discussion. If she has already decided it's over, it is over. Respect that, and leave her the hell alone!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 May 2018):
 Encourage her to express her feelings rather than overthinking. I am guess she has fears of you leaving her or cheating on her. She has to own up to her feelings and take responsibility for them.
All relationships start well. Then comes a time when you feel settled and then one of you fear, and sees the end coming. No one can feel secure a relationship until you are emotionally strong enough to weather the storms. If she feels like losing you it's because you are very dear to you. That's one good point over the many bad you described in the relationship. Her mind gets too imaginative but you have to tell her that if she suspects you of being untrustworthy it hurts your feelings too. When you both fight, it's not just fighting over issues, it's fighting the feeling of fear. Fear of not being good enough to hold a partner, fear of not being worthy of love. Face that fear and accept that it's all in us.
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