A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've noticed many posts on dearcupid by men suffering from retroactive jealousy. One aspect of it that bothers me is insecurity with respect to whether or not the sex is as good with me as it was with prior men. She's made comments at times that lead me to believe the sex was better for her with her ex boyfriends. At other times, she's said she loves it with me, etc. I'm quite succesful in my career, and I sometimes worry that my girlfriend mostly likes me because I'm relatively well-off (she says she wants to get married). My fear is that she will get bored or be unsatisfied sexually and move on after a few years.Here's a question for the women: Do men (normally) have anything to worry about in terms of measuring up (performance-wise, not size) in a long term relationship? In other words, would you stay in a relationship with a man (and get married to him) if the sex isn't all that great because you liked him for other things? Restated, is great sex a "must have" in terms of getting married?
View related questions:
her ex, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I used to have this same concern with my fiancee. Frankly, I am fairly convinced she had wild moments with her ex'es that in some ways may have been more extreme than with me. But here's how I look at it...
As a kid, you liked to go to the amusement park, right? Ride the roller coaster, as many rides as you could, get a cotton candy and a hot dog? But at teh end of the day, it was good to come home and reflect on the fun day. Sleep in your warm bed. As much as you love the park, you wouldn't live there.
Sexual relationships are a lot like the amusement park...wild fun, but short lived. You still crave comfort, peace, a foundation. Love brings this. I can understand you feeling retroactive jealousy over the "fun" she's had. I have the same wonder about my fiancee. But I know that no matter how deeply other men touched her on a physical level, I touch her heart more deeply than ANY of them. Personally, I'd rather be that guy a woman laughs with on a porch with a beer when were 80...not the guy who had her the most sexually. While we strive to experience both, the latter gets forgotten more easily. And as a relationship grows, if it is a good relationship, you wind up having both...a loving deepness, and a deeply satisfying sexual experience.
You are not a young kid. You are in your 30's judging by your profile. THat suggests you have insecurities that you should probably work out before you get married. You do not want to enter into marriage with growing insecurities over her faithfulness...especially if these insecurities are generated by you. If she loves you, remember she LOVES you. She chose YOU...not these other guys. So what if they were studs...women need more than great sex. And if you search your soul more, you'd know you do too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): OK, so what then, defines the "best"? It's obvious many women go with stability and things that lead to longevity...which is good. But the OP's concern revolves around her penchant for great sex, and a possibility she will go looking if he doesn't measure up. So let's help him be the best. So what sexual attributes define a man as the "best" in bed? Endurance? Technique...if so, what? Penis size(oh, we have heard that one here a LOT)? Lots of orgasms? SOmething else?
We typically hear women say it's the technique and not just the sex, but then we read how the nice guy who's not the best sex get married to her. So lets say the OP is a really nice, well off guy, and wants to give her "mind blowing" sex. How does he? After all, he's just trying to be the best he can.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): OP here again. Thanks again for the responses.
What you (31-year old anonymous female) are saying makes perfect sense to me from a logical standpoint. But, I have to admit that the idea that my gf had better sex with some of her exes really bothers me for some reason. Emotions and logic are two different things, and emotions don't follow logic!
If you don't mind my asking (anonymous female), do you think your fiance could be as good as your past lovers with practice, feedback from you about what you like, etc., or is there something missing in terms of chemistry, physical attraction, etc.? Also, is it fair to say you believe your past experiences will not cause you to become dissatisfied with your fiance (husband) and be unfaithful in the future?
Yet another thing that bothers me somewhat about my situation is that my gf has made many comments to the effect that she doesn't feel comfortable really letting go with me for fear I'll think she's a slut or something. Part of "letting go" for her is making lots of noise during sex, and she says she can't have really good orgasms without making a lot of noise.
To me, this implies she did let go with prior boyfriends and have great orgasms with them. I've told her many many times it wouldn't bother me, and I actually wish she would. But, she can't seem to let it go. It's frustrating because she won't let herself have great sex with me for fear I won't like it, when in fact the opposite is true. On top of that, there doesn't seem to be much I can do about her mental state other than tell her I'd like it if she did let go (which isn't working so far).
It almost seems as if she can only have great sex with guys she's not really interested in because she doesn't care what they think about her. I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that this is something in her head, I can't do much about it, and the fact that sex isn't as good between us isn't a reflection of my attractiveness, ability, etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): As a 31-year-old woman with some, well, experience, I can say definitely that no, it is not the most important thing. Not even close. A smart buddy of mine always says that, in the first week or so of dating, they look for someone with "good eyes and a good smile, cause those are the two things you can take with you into old age."And as your relationship progresses, and you head closer to marriage, great sex becomes less important. You look instead for characteristics that will build a good marriage and life, like dependability, loyalty, honesty, intelligence, and values that correspond with your own.Personally, I have been in several long relationships where the sex was amazing, but there was something missing. My fiance isn't the best I've ever had, but I want to marry him because he's loving, funny, smart, employed (that's a biggie), and a million other qualities that we can take with us into old age. When we're 80, and neither of us look terribly good naked, and passion is pretty much out the window, we can sit on the porch with a beer and talk or laugh ourselves silly, and that is what is most important.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): OP here. Thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate the feedback"Okay, so maybe you're not her best lover but she will settle for you because you have enough money. Does that assurance actually make you feel any better about the situation?" Not really, but the reality is that any woman who's old enough to be interested in me will have had many prior sexual experiences. It's unlikely that I'd be the best ever for any woman. The same is probably true for almost everyone over the age of 25 or so. If 1 in 5 men are very good lovers, most women over the age of 25 will have had some very good experiences sexually, but very few of these woman will be able to get married to the 1 in 5 man. I realize, of course, that things are not nearly so black and white in the real world and a lot of this has to do with how well 2 people "click", but I've simplified things for the sake of being able to communicate in this forum.Since few people will get lucky and find someone who has all the attributes they "need" in a spouse in addition to great sex, almost everyone will have to settle for someone who is not the best lover they've ever had.This is probably unrealistic, but my hope is that her saying she wants to get married to me is a sign the sex must be pretty good, even if it's not the best ever (i.e. if great sex is a "must have" for the vast majority of women and they wouldn't even consider getting married to a guy unless the sex was very good, odds are my gf wouldn't want to get married to me unless the sex was good, even if not the best). I realize that all women are different, but it might help me make a somewhat more educated guess based on how other women view this issue.A counselor once told me that sex is not normally a major issue in relationships provided it's reasonably good (even if it's not spectacular). But, sex turns into a major issue if it's bad.The retroactive jealousy issue is just something I'll have to deal with. Unfortunately, however, I can tell that it clouds my judgement with respect to other issues in the relationship. I'm continuing to work on it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Thanks for the responses. I guess one aspect of this that makes me worry somewhat is that my gf seems to separate sex and love. Sex appears to be almost completely physical for her, and my impression is that in the past she's primarily had sex as 1) a way to catch a man she liked for other reasons; or 2) strictly for her own pleasure. My fear is that she won't grow to associate sex with love, and she'll start looking for pure sex at some point. I don't doubt that she likes having sex with me, but her apparent separation of love and sex makes me uneasy. In some ways she seems to be like the stereotypical guy who just screws women because it feels good (I'm not a stereotyical guy)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Okay, so maybe you're not her best lover but she will settle for you because you have enough money.
Does that assurance actually make you feel any better about the situation?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Sex is important - period. From my own experience- I broke up a great relationship because of bad sex. I did it because I realized that sooner or later I would end up cheating and that is big no no... SEx is what separates friends from lowers so if I was you I would kick it in the high gear and would start researching and applying what you have learned ASAP. Success!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (14 March 2011):
I'm not a woman but I will try to tell you what I've learned about this matter.
In the first place, you already know there is no single answer for this question. As every woman will have a different perspective about it. Some women care about size, other don't care. Some care about performance, others don't.
In general terms you have to think about this statistically. Most women (from 25 years old plus) will prefer a man who's a good provider and can be trusted, even if he isn't the best lover ever. That's obvious because there is much more than sex in a marriage. I'm not telling sex doesn't matter at all. In fact sex is very important, but just if it comes with a man who can provide for his family. And in the end, it will be much easier to work on enhancing sex than enhancing a man who spends all the time drunk in a pub.
Since you mentioned retroactive jealousy, think about this: if you are dating a woman in her thirties, she must have lost her virginity about twelve years ago (or more). Chances are she's been with at least five guys in bed before. There is a good chance that one of them was better than you, of course. Specially because there is a good chance that this woman left a guy who was good in bed because he didn't measure up in other fields.
In your particular case I think that there was a better (in bed) guy before you. 'Cause she told you so at the beginning. But then she fell in love with you and one or two things happens now: she won't hurt your ego, and she can find sex is better now that she's in love. Anyway, I don't reckon she's going to leave you even if sex doesn't improve in the future.
My two cents.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Your worries are shared by every other person on the planet, men and women alike.Firstly i would say that concentrate on this current relationship, the one you are now in with your girlfriend- not any of her past boyfriends. There is a reason she is no longer with those guys and a reason why she is with you. You are her here and now and that must stay in the front of you mind.Trust and communication is a must have in a relationship, married or not. From that stems good sex. If you are unsure whether she is satisfied with your sex life ask her, maybe not outright, but ask her what you can do better, what she likes and doesn't like. It is the only way you can build on your sex life. Don't be embarrassed to ask her and make sure she feels totally at ease with telling you. And most importantly have fun. You don't need me or nayone else telling you how intimate sex is and how it can solidify a relationship.You say "led you to believe..." and unless she actually tells you otherwise then push it out of your mind. A relationship cannot build on past questions and insecurities. If it still bothers you then subtely bring the subject up and explain how it it bothers you. But after it is resovled or been talked about, forget it and move on.I personally would question my relatinship with man if i was not totally satisfied with the sex life, but only after i have tried everything in my power to improve it. That may sound shallow but without sex. But you have to ask, what distinguishes the relationship between just a good friendship?Good Luck :)(This is my first answer, any comments or ratings will be appreciated, i hope this has helped in some way :))
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): For me sex is not just about the mechanics...It is about intimacy, ie the way a couple communicate, bond or feel when they are with each other...The very best sex comes with the man/woman you feel closest too.....So if a woman feels loved and secure in her relationship the sex is perceived as better, particularly long term...But that is in my opinion...
...............................
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (14 March 2011):
 First things first, sex is not going to be great all the time. Your girlfriend could have been with other men that were great in bed a few times and the other times were nothing to talk about. I think, in general, if you are satisfying her the majority of the time (whether it is great or just good) she is sexually happy. My sex life is very good, and about 20% of the time it is mind blowing. And, I'm marrying the guy. Not for the sex either, because I love him for other reasons and he makes me happy. But, sex can be a deal breaker if it is only good a few times and all the others are just bad. So, again, if she is satisfied the majority of the time, there's nothing to worry about. And, remember, sex isn't the same for women as it is for men. Even if I don't have an orgasm I can still be satisfied. Sometimes, the act of sex is just what I want to feel closer to my man. Hopefully that helps.
...............................
|
