A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Cheated on my fiancee a bit over a year ago. Have been together for 5 years. We got engaged over the summer and are getting married next month. She doesn't know that I had a short affair while we were dating (4 years into the relationship). I think I can keep the secret from her forever. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to tell her? I have been able to keep it a secret for over a year, but with the wedding coming up, I have had moments of guilt. Am I risking my marriage because I am walking into it with a big secret? I don't want to lose my fiancee, but I feel like a horrible person being so dishonest, and feel that having such a big lie will always negatively impact our relationship. Am I a horrible person for lying to her this way? Will a lie like this always come between us in some way? I want to have a healthy marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Yes, you are getting the point. Basically, it never goes away as long as the relationship lasts and you are still hiding it.
Things will happen, and you will have to lie, and lie again, and again, and again...and if you love the woman, you have to lie to the person you love which is damaging to you and her at many levels. It damages the true intimacy of the marriage to lie to the spouse like this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): So, I'm getting lots of mixed feedback regarding what I should do...
I thought my best option (for both our sakes) was to keep the affair a secret and move forward with our lives and marriage...what she doesn't know, doesn't hurt her, and I can't bear to cause her pain. Our relationship is now in a different, better place. But, then I hear how the secret will affect the relationship in the future. We are planning our wedding, so obviously we are at a high...but I keep getting the message that my secret will affect us both in the future, and that I will continue to regret and feel guilt, in turn negatively affecting the relationship for the two of us. Is going into a marriage with a secret, going to impact our relationship in the future? In terms of intimacy, and the desire to be honest with regard to everything else?...I feel that I can continue to make her happy, but I do question if I am being selfish and making a big mistake somehow moving forward with marriage while being dishonest to my wife-to-be...I want to do the thing that will cause her less pain in the long run and that will be best for the both of us...am I just avoiding pain now, but creating even greater pain for our future? It's a risk; I know...thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Guilt will rot your core. It will degrade your integrity. Either way, it hurts you both...if you tel her, the pain will be on her, but you will feel the pain of her betrayal and your exposed lie. Hold it in, and it will rot your core and prevent you from ever being 100% toward her...so it hurts her indirectly, because she will never have the full, honest man she married.
I strongly believe in full disclosure for a healthy relationship. I'd tell her and face the fire.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): the only reason I will say "tell her" is because she deserves to know the truth and have an opportunity to walk away from your dishonesty. You messed it up and yes, truth will hurt her, but t least you will leave her her right to make the right choice - leave you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): If you don't love your fiancee, it may not matter to you.
However, having been through an affair and the fallout from the affair (my partner had the affair), I can tell you that I would want to know.
My partner tried to keep it secret, didn't think they'd ever do it again, but they had problems because of the secrecy, the lying, and the lies that had to be told to cover up lies, and it never ended. Years and years passed, and the number of lies just grew and grew, because if the secret was to be kept, more and more lies had to be told, there just is no way around that, particularly as you get older and other marriages around you crumble and people talk about affairs and betrayals and harmful things people do to others. All the while, you've done something just as bad and you either tell the truth, or keep on lying and being a hypocrite, which is not nearly as fun as the affair was.
Not a nice thing to do to someone you love, and every time a lie was told, the internal pain and guilt just grew and grew.
Marital problems kept coming up, seemingly from nowhere, and I was baffled, and that bafflement wasn't helped by 3 different counselors (at first anyway, the final counselor was still working with us when the breakthrough happened). I nearly left because I just couldn't figure out the problems to save my life. Then a breakthrough.
Before they broke and told the story, they had secretly considered suicide a number of times, they were drinking to numb themselves from the guilt, and they were afraid the entire time that something might come out, that the other party might blow the secret or one of the other people who suspected it might blow it.
The affair hurt at the time (I'd suspected), the truth hurt as well and the truth was far worse than I'd suspected, yet the lies hurt much more than the truth as I was feeling that I'd been suspicious without cause alternating with feeling that I'd been suspicious for good reason, and the person who had the affair was nearly destroyed by it as well as the guilt about the ongoing deception that they used on someone that loved them, and to someone that they actually loved and realized as time passed that they loved more and more.
That's like pure poison to a loving couple, probably doesn't matter much if you don't love the other person. Keep that in mind, you may actually end up loving this person that you marry, and you probably don't expect this right now (you may say that you love them but love takes a lot of time to develop fully).
Pure poison.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): I'm personally in support of 'person12345' answer, NOT because I believe secrets should ever be kept, but this answer suggests, IF you didn't tell her immediately afterwards, what is the reason for telling her so near to your wedding, unless it's YOUR guilt you want to offload, to make YOU feel better, as it certainly won't make her feel better.
You don't mention WHY you cheated on your fiancée, and although some may say, what different does it make, you cheated..I think it does make a difference. And may well give YOU your answer as whether to share this with her.
Were you having problems with your relationship, had things been slowly changing between you, where YOU felt it was no longer working, and it was your way of potentially seeking a new partner, OR was it just a one-off through being just human, you weakened and it happened, I'm sure I will be scorned for suggesting that - but in the real world, not in fairy tale books, human beings, have tendency to be HUMAN sometimes and do these things, and one has to deal with reality and NOT concentrate on ideals, as ideals, although very WORTHY and must be strived for - you also need to analyse WHY this happened.
IF you were having problems with your fiancée, have you resolved them, or just swept them under the carpet, and out of guilt are going ahead with the wedding without dealing with those issues. You need to ask yourself is your fiancée ENOUGH for you for the rest of your life, because once you have taken though vows that becomes reality, and it will be very difficult to explain things away afterwards.
Then of course there is the situation of being overtaken with lust, it happened but you have really, really regretted it, it should never have taken place, and it was only once or twice - then if this scenario, and you KNOW 100% it was a mistake, then as 'person12345' says, the only person telling your fiancée will HELP this late stage in the proceedings. is YOU.
Only you know why you were unfaithful, and marriage is never the Fairy Tale everyone is groomed to believe it is, so please think whether or not after, what 5 years, if this is the relationship for you.
You know we all some secrets, and sometimes sharing them causes MORE heartache than IF they had been allowed to die, ONLY presuming IT IS A ONE OFF, NOT suggesting EVER one should keep secrets on a regular basis that could destroy trust. Everyone should be permitted one mistake and to make amends.
I wish you every luck for the future.
Jilly
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female
reader, JustusGirl7 +, writes (18 October 2010):
I have been with my bf for 7 years. The first year of our relationship, when I was 18 and he was 21, I was cheating on him off and on with this one guy. (I heard he was also cheating.) I never told him. For years it ate at me. It changed our relationship. Then while we were planning our wedding he began to cheat on me with many many people, including my best friend. I believe that it was karma biting me in the butt. The difference was I did it while I was young and stupid, he did it while I sat at home with our two kids...either way HONESTY is soo important. Karma is a bitch. And if you want a healthy marriage..I would say to tell her. We are still together and I think that it brought us closer once the truth came out with the both of us! If she truly loves you and wants to be with you forever, she will stay. As long as you do your part in showing her every second of every day that she is your one and only.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I would want to know, it would kill me, but I'd want to know so that I can make an informed decision whether I want to proceed with the marriage or not. I think you're being selfish in not telling her. How painful for someone she trusts and loves to have done this to her. So not fair. What makes this worse is that you've kept it a secret. Dishonesty is just as bad as the cheating - it hurts just as much.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): You are entering marriage under false pretenses.Really, the guilt is already onto you.So what do you think it is going to be like in 10 years, when the first blush of marriage is over and you have kids and work and a house and mortgage and bills to pay, and, and, and...I disagree that telling her is not for her sake as well.She deserves to know, and not telling her will certainly impact your relationship if it is good (it won't necessarily have a bad impact if you have already have a bad relationship). Telling her allows her to make her own decisions with accurate information, assuming you tell her everything, and you stop manipulating her.Remember, she's not your wife yet. Also, frankly, she could find out from someone else after you are married. How would you feel then? How would she feel?Cheating is "not playing by the rules", and "not being fair to the other person" and "not being honest". Once you cheat, you have to re-establish "fairness" and "honesty" and disclose just what rules you were playing by.Frankly though, it all depends upon what type of relationship you have and want to have.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2010):
 The only reason to tell her would be to stop feeling guilty. It's not for her sake to tell her, it's for yourself. To help you sleep at night. At a certain point, so long as you won't do it again and there's no way of finding out, ignorance really is bliss. Telling her a year after it happened is no better than telling her 10 years after it happened. She'd just as soon not know I'm sure. See, what happens if you tell her is that she'll be miserable and lose her trust in you. She'll never fully trust you again, and you'll lose a lot of that special connection. Basically you'll be alone, she'll be alone, and she'll probably have problems with future relationships (be it with you, or whoever). At this point, keep it to yourself. If it was a day after it happened, I'd say tell her. But at this point, not telling her isn't affecting anything other than keeping you together. It's not like you're continuing an affair, it's not affecting anything at all. You'd basically be taking your hurt, the guilt, and making yourself hurt less by hurting her. It's selfish to tell her at this point. It's up to you whether or not to continue with the wedding, if you cheated on her maybe it's not right. But even if you decide to call off the wedding, don't tell her.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 October 2010):
 The guilt is eating you alive. You'll get both answers on here, tell her or keep it to yourself. Personally, I would tell her as soon as possible before you blurt it out. A marriage and a relationship is based off trust...start it out right. She could either break it off and you lose her, or she could postpone the wedding and work on forgiving you. Or you could never tell her, then the secret leaks out somehow (possibly from the other woman, or someone else that knows about it told your wife) then she slaps you with a divorce. Nasty little secrets like that tend to come out either soon or years later down the road...It's hard to say what her reaction will be, I wish you would have told her a long time ago and not a month before the wedding. She will most likely postpone the wedding..which is for the better. If you don't tell her, karma will come back to bite you in the ass.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 Well i'll be honest with you it will have a huge impact on your marriage with you having this on your mind it will more than likely end up as a disaster as you will always hold this guilt and wont be able to have a happy life together, you need to stop being a coward and tell her, she deserves to know the truth and deep down you know this but you are only thinking of yourself as you are afraid that you might lose her but you should never have had the affair in the first place if that was the case.
So you need to be honest with her its the only way forward here, tell her you love her with all your heart and you are extrememly sorry for cheating on her and for keeping it from her for all this time but tell her you didnt know how to tell her, and that it meant nothing to you but you need to now be honest with her as it will only tear you apart inside and you dont want a marriage based on a lie.
Ok so yes she will be angry with you and the trust will be broken but you will need to work very hard to get this back but at least then you can say you were honest about it before you let her get married and find out afterwards.
Believe me if it were to come out after the both of you were happily married with children it would be twenty times worse and it would be twenty times more painful for your girlfriend so be honest now is the time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): Your at risk either way if you tell her or you don't. Entering into a marriage with that secret will surely have a negative impact regardless of how good you are at keeping it a secret. It's like a toxic needle to the relationship. You tell her, she may leave you as I'm sure she believes you've been faithful, honest, and true to her. But best to find out her reaction now, than have a messy divorce later on.
Good luck~
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