A
female
age
51-59,
*otluckeinluv
writes:My husband and i have been together for 8 years and married for only 2, our marriege is about to end, due to the fact that i keep catching him in the shower masturbating, he is 30 years old, we dont have sex anymore, except maybe once a month, and when we do he has premature ejaculation most of the time. I know this is normal behavior, but to what extent and to what age, when is it a problem, i believe that pleasing him is my job. If he feels the need to do that, talk to me, but it is getting more frequent. Is this normal??
View related questions:
ejaculation Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, notluckeinluv +, writes (8 April 2008):
notluckeinluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello to all those that helped me with some insight as to the problem of male masturbation. things betweeen my husband and i have settled a bit, but, i think one of the main problems is that i was always taught that sex in general was dirty, and also , i believe just as some have answered that it also has someithing to do with me, why am i not good enough, to completly satisfy him. thank you to all of those tht allowed me to open my mind and take into consideration both sides......
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I am responding anonymously because I happened onto this web site and don't feel like wasting time creating an account. For what it is worth, I happen to be an American.
I love my wife ferociously. We have three beautiful daughters. I am 31 years old.
Additionally, I masturbate frequently.
This is a huge issue between me and my wife because she believes that it has something to do with her. I can tell you, she is incredibly sexy, and she adeptly satisfies me with any sexual craving I ever desire, but sometimes I just masturbate. I'm sorry, girls.
There is an idea that marriage, or sex, or love, or God, or something else is supposed to be "enough" to keep men from masturbation. I have no idea where this idea comes from. When I masturbate, I am not wishing that I had a different wife. I am not wishing that I could engage in an extra-marital affair. I am not trying to fill some "void" in my relationship with my wife. I'm just getting off--the same way I have been getting off since I was 13. yes, 18 years ago, and 10 years before I met my wife.
It's true: I masturbate a lot less than I did when I was 18-25, but I still do it plenty. Some months I masturbate more often than I have sex; other months, I have sex more than I masturbate. I don't really think the two are necessarily related. In fact, there are times when I think masturbating at the right time one day will prepare me for better (and longer) sex later on.
The real problem I have with my wife, ladies, (and yes I'm ready for the rotten tomatoes) is that sometimes I masturbate while looking at pictures/videos of women who are semi-nude, nude, or even engaging in sex (yes, it's called pornography). While I know that this is entirely controversial in terms of monogamous relationships, my interest in this case is not to defend masturbation or porn so much as it is to try to help this poor woman understand something about her husband.
The reason I am offering such a long-winded response to you (poor soul) is that your husband sounds like me, and you sound like my wife. We too are in a very bad place in our relationship. I understand that I have a responsibility to make my wife feel secure in our relationship, and I understand that my "addiction" undermines her feelings of security. I (and your husband) need to work on that.
But what you need to work on (if you want to preserve your marriage) is this: understand that your husband's act of masturbation has NOTHING to do with you. If you leave him, he will continue to masturbate. If he finds another girlfriend, he will continue to masturbate. If he decides to pick up a mistress and cheat on you in secret, he will still masturbate. If he joins the Mormon Church and marries 17 women, he will still masturbate. There is no amount of sexual "satisfaction" that will ever end your husband's masturbation.
He does not feel like he is cheating on you. He is just rubbing his dick because it feels good. It feels so good that people do it with their lovers, their friends, their prostitutes, and themselves every second of every day.
Don't hate your husband for that.
And for what it is worth, the anonymous response of April 5 was COMPLETELY correct. He is not masturbating in the shower because he doesn't want you. In fact, you NEED to join him in the shower. It will be fun for both of you. Just be careful. If you do it once, he might expect it again, and you might not to want to take that many showers every day. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Engage in it with him. It really is that simple and those cliaxes that are happening without you will suddenly involve you. Trust me he would much rather have you there. The masterbation is a result of you not being there, and this includes emotionally, physically as well as real time. I do not believe ther is one heterosexual man on this earth that would not rather have a female pleasure him rather than achieving pleasure through his own devices. There is one catch though, when men masterbate it is for pure physical release. In concept it has nothing to do with intimacy, but having included my wife in masturbation I can say I would not refuse her if she asked to or stated that she was going to hand job me.
...............................
A
female
reader, notluckeinluv +, writes (28 February 2008):
notluckeinluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to those of you who actually used your heads in this matter, I really appreciate the sincere thoughts and advice, i would never leave or divorce my husband over the fact that he pleasures himself, there are a great many other issues, this is just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Thanks again to all that truly want to help and not make me feel worse than I already do..
...............................
A
female
reader, notluckeinluv +, writes (28 February 2008):
notluckeinluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionattention male reader annonymous, we can only wonder why we dont have the ***ls to put a name, i am very pleasing to my husband, like i said, if you would have read, i had a bad experience with that situation and have a hard time with it, and by the way,do you secretly call your wife a broad, and what kind of a man would actually count the number times his wife has given a blow job, i feel sorry for her, and you know there are many other issues behind our problems, leaving a good man because he masterabates is not why i would leave, secondly, there are other catagories for divorce, you really make me thank ful for what i have even if he pleasures himself, secondly or lastly, i am 38 5'2 dd cup blonde hair green eyes and beautiful so what the ***** is his problem???????????
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): YES! Men at 30 years old and even older frequently masturbate. I know guys who do it daily, even though they have wives and girlfiends.You say you only have sex about once a month....WHY!Are you fat, a BBW, do you have a stomach or are you flabby? Your appearance may have something to do with it.I'm not on your side at all....the reason is this....YOU are willing to divorce a man because he masturbates in the shower or wherever? You are one dumbass broad. No courrt in the country will accept this for grounds for divorce, but will probaly grant him one just to get him away from you. You say it's your job to please him sexually, but are you good at what you do? My wife and I have been together for 13 years and has been willing to satisfy ANY sexual needs I desire....the only problem is this...my wife cannot suck a dick at all. My wife has performed over 10,000 blowjobs on me, but yet, I can count on two hands the number of times the blowjobs were good and satisfying.Talk to your husband and find out what is wrong, regarding sex only once a month. Don't talk to him about masturbating, because he's going to do that without worrying about what you think. The premature ejaculation thing can be solved by HIM masturbating just prior to having sex with you. Good luck to you both, I wish you well
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (28 February 2008):
Have you both thought of visiting a sex therapist. It might be the way forward here but failing that you need to talk to each other.
I am not sure of how filing for divorce on the grounds that he plays with himself in the shower would go down in a court of law in the states. It would most probably be thrown out here in the UK.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): LJ001 your advice sucks! This woman said she believes it is her job to please her man.....she is willing and he is not, guess who has a problem? HE DOES!!! I get so angry that women get told to do something about a problem that is not theirs to begin with. She can't fix him if he doesn't want to cooperate.You poor dear, you are probably hurt and confused. Your husband may well be a compulsive masterbater, he may need help to get over this but as long as he is taking care of his needs this way, he will not desire you. Are you sure he doesn't use porn?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Honey, humans are naturally sexual beings. He's still young, he's only 30, so its natural that he wants pleasing sexually. And we've got to face the facts here, if you cant please him, then something/someone else will have to. Him masturbating is totally understandable here, as you say you dont hardly have sex any more. He's not watching porn or being unfaithful, he's fulfilling his needs.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): To be honest, men never completely stop masturbating, I guess it's just a no-pressure thing we guys need every once in a while. Your case however, seems to follow that pattern: pressure. He may feel the need to perform in a certain way to please you and in doing, is creating a situation of lose/lose. Men, however loving the relationship they're in, cannot always talk in a candid way to their partner, especially as it concerns his failure to please. So, knowing the problem, it is up to you to coax him round. Let him know that you are there for his pleasure and you seek nothing in return but the fact that you are providing him with the release he needs. That way, with time, his confidence will return and I am sure ultimately, you both will enjoy sex as equals in a giving/ receiving way. By the way, DON'T let him know that you're cathing him masturbating - it will ruin any self- confidence he has left. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): No this is not "normal", and more to the point, it is not "acceptable" either. To re-phrase your issue, you aren't having sex as often as you'd like with the one person who has sworn to be your life-long sex partner (the only one you will now ever have). This is a problem that BOTH of you should be solving. Not just you; not just him. Together, get it? So, stop "catching" him in the shower. That's his time, and what are you learning by doing this? That he still has a sex drive - but he's not interested in sex with you? Great. You know that. Stop the intrusion and TALK with him. Something like, "honey, I love you, but I have some needs that aren't being met. You?" Try to remember it's your 'job' to have a healthy, happy sex/romantic life as a married couple. You both together must define what that is and then work toward it. "I'm tired; I'm old; We're bored" are EXCUSES to avoid sex (and reasons to divorce), they are NOT part of the marriage contract. It is not normal for any person of any age to give up on a sex life. Repeat that as necessary. And, just in case you are missing the smaller point, I'll spell it out: masterbation really isn't part of this problem unless he says it is. Does he want to stop? Would it make him want you more? My suspicion is that you are both not getting enough sex/romance, and the masterbation has you seeing the reason and him seeing the result. In the meantime, have the talk or get a counselor to help you have the talk. It is off the table that you will spend the rest of your life not getting any/enough. So stay firm in your conviction that you must fix this and he must work with you to do so. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I think you should discuss your problem with him, to be honest. Don't throw away your marriage with him over this unless the spark truly has gone and you no longer love him. I don't think the problem here is him masterbating - I'd say that's quite normal even if you have a good sex life, but the fact that it is making you feel inadequate is the real problem here - just talk to him and ask how he's feeling.Good luck x
...............................
|
