A
female
age
36-40,
*erhapschina
writes:My story has taken me across the world, but yet a part of me could never leave home. Three years ago, while traveling in China I met him. Newly single, and out of the safeness of my own surroundings he seemed to bring security and grounding to my life. He introduced me to his culture, his parents, and accepted me, white skin and all, into his life. He was playful, smart, and sweet. He fell hard, and professed his love for me only a few months later. I constantly tried to pull back, as I knew it was only a matter of time before I was expected home. However I reached a point where I could no longer ignore that I was in love. Six months later my return flight was already booked, but I promised to return as soon as I could. Instantly when I arrived back home I knew I had to return to China. However, I was already signed up for a term of University, which would take me four months to complete. I decided to return as soon as that was over, and do a year of language training in China. In those four months apart we emailed and phoned as often as we could. Nevertheless a small voice, the devil on my shoulder, constantly asked how long I could continue a relationship between two countries, two cultures and two families. I knew we would always be faced with this. Still, he was unlike anyone I had ever met in my own culture. He was devoted beyond words, to me, to his family, and to our life. Regardless of this, voice on my shoulder was still there and time apart only made the voice louder. It was then that I met Steve. Classes were just finishing up, and our English class went out for drinks. I normally do not drink, but after four months of intense studying I told myself I deserved it. Plus it was only a matter of weeks before I would be going back to China. That night, Steve and I stayed huddled in a corner, talking about novels, writers, and life. He was intelligent, and spoke with a fluency that would take my China man years to conquer. That night we shared a small kiss. I woke up the next day instantly guilty about what had happened, and I let Steve know by email. He asked me why I was going back to China, and questioned the strength of my relationship if I was out kissing other men. Our conversation became heated, and I disagreed with what he said. However the voice on my shoulder questioned if there were some truth to his words. I left for China, and as soon as I arrived I told my China man. He was hurt, but I think the ocean that was now between Steve and I was enough to put his mind to rest. We began to live in China together, and it was wonderful. He was the second man I had ever lived with and we shared everything. He lived with a sense of grace that I never knew men could encompass. It was not simply how he treated me, but how he treated those around him. I respected him unlike I have ever respected anyone else. Over the year and half that we lived together in China these feelings grew. Yes, we had small problems, but we were able to face them together and deal with them. However there was one small thing I never told my China man; Steve and I were still talking by email. Before the kiss happened, I enjoyed our conversation. There were so few people in China I could discuss literature or life with, and have them understand from my own cultural perspective. Steve and I left our real lives out of the conversation, and it seemed harmless enough. But yet, it was not, as I still did not tell my China man about him. But then again, who tells their significant other about every email they receive? A year and a half later I had to go home to finish off my degree. As well, I missed my family, and knew that I could not stay in China forever. The Chinese man and I planned to go through common-law immigration, but we knew that would take months, even a year before it would be approved. However we felt strong about our relationship, and able to continue it over distance. Last fall I left China, and returned home. Steve and I carried on our online conversations. They became deeper. However I still refused to see him, even though I was now living relatively close to him. Six months went by, and finally the Chinese man and I got word that he would be able to come to my country. Still, at this point in time, a few more months is needed before everything will be in order. In the time we have been away, I feel our relationship has become strained. I miss him so much, especially since our conversation has become weaker and less interpersonal. But then there is Steve, who is willing to make up for this void in my life, however with it are slight feelings of romance. Knowing I was having these feelings, and that perhaps they were always there, I tried to cut him out. By email, I told him we could no longer speak, but it was only a few weeks later that he was begging to talk again. I gave in. In those few weeks, without the emails, I felt a sense of freedom and control. But it quickly disappeared as soon as we began speaking again.Now I feel as if I am emotionally cheating on my Chinese love, but yet I do not feel strong enough to cut Steve out of my life. So I turn to you. I am in great need of any advice you can give me. Thank-you for taking the time to read my story.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 You my girl, are afraid of intimacy so you have created a world where you will never be completely attached to either man, and thus you keep your comfort level (and each man) at a certain arms' length. By ping-ponging between two countries you are able to enjoy both men. And together they make up the perfect man. Except that you can't keep this up forever. At some point you must choose which man you plan to be with and then cut the ties with the other one. Because even though your e-mails to Steve seem harmless on the surface, you are actually having an emotional affair with him, which means you're saving up parts of yourself to share with him, which in turns robs your China man of really having all of you. I personally think I would chose the man from China, he seems to be the closest thing to heaven, and you can always teach him to apapreciate literature and the things you share with Steve. But only you can decide which man you truly want to be with. Just remember as long as you try to balance your time with both of them, everyone loses. Because you are not only being unfair to them, you are robbing yourself of having a real connection and experiencing real intimacy. Good luck.
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