A
female
age
41-50,
*uch!
writes:I am looking for something that might help me-I am in a new relationship with a woman; I am her first girlfriend-and I am starting to feel frustrated with a perceived lack of sex, and with myself for being so pushy about wanting sex. My main problem is that I equate sex with intimacy-in the evenings, I am very excited to see her, and when she is just, apparently, being affectionate, not trying to initiate sex, my body feels otherwise-I get all ready to go, and then when I am expected to just be quiet and go to sleep? Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of tears, because I feel rejected as a person as well as sexually. Then she feels pressured. Then we have this whole melodrama, and I get turned off by that, of course, and by the time it's somewhat resolved I can't help but think we would have been much better off just going at it for a little while instead!I try to tell myself not to get excited, and I have been trying to take care of my sex drive before I see her, but somehow I can't seem to be inspired when alone, and this solution just feels pathetic. Also, there isn't always time. I know I shouldn't feel rejected, she really likes me, and I should just be trying to take things slowly, but there's a part of me (!) that feels as though the sex is what makes it worth going through all the hassle of being in a relationship.Personally, I can't understand how a person, in a new relationship especially, can be so physical and intimate and then not want to have sex before going to sleep. Then she wants it in the morning and we don't have time. And I am generally left out of the picture, as far as being on the receiving end...this probably has to do with the fact that she feels intimidated by her lack of experience with women, and when we have talked about it, she seems to just feel worse. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me.As if reducing my sex drive chemically would help. Mainly I just wonder how to break the habit of equating sex with love-and stop the pouting?
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male
reader, bournedout +, writes (5 May 2010):
My apologies...Yes I am a dork for not reading your profile and gender carefully. I stand by my response, though -- thanks for generalizing to men AND women.
God, please don't try to change yourself with chemicals or anything, though. You may be in the minority somewhat as far as women go, but you are who you are and if things don't work out with your partner, I am sure there are girls out there who share your gift of being able to really enjoy one of life's pleasures with gusto (I have personally known straight women who could give any man a run for his money). Please take care.
A
female
reader, ouch! +, writes (4 May 2010):
ouch! is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for that. The interesting thing, though, is that I am not a man, I am a lesbian woman. Maybe that's why I feel like my sex drive is too high, that I've been compared to men that way.
But when your lover is used to being with men and still left in the dust by your sex drive...? That's why I feel like I might be being overly demanding. Answer still applies, though.
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A
male
reader, bournedout +, writes (4 May 2010):
Needing sex to feel love is NOT some sort of bad habit. It is called being a man. Please don't downplay the importance of your sex drive and don't feel guilty about it! Men are different from women. For us, the physical act of sex is a much, much more important component of love than for women. If you commit to a woman for "love" and give up sex in the meantime, you will regret it later on. I used to think like you. Don't give up -- there are actually women out there who understand this about men . . . many of those women have strong libidos and a lot of self confidence.We are not, NOT built for love without sex. Accept this right now, please. There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with you. If there is, then 99% of men are wrong.
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