A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a cybersex habit. I had it before I met my wife and I still have it. I have a very high sex drive and my wife just doesn't keep up with me by any stretch. To me it is just a step beyond jerking myself off. In fact, that's what it is. Sometimes I have it with anonymous people I will never talk to again (never even sure if they were really women) and other times I keep my "lover" for a span of years. Often, I don't know their real names. Sometimes after a long time I do, but there is a woman I have talked to for a year or more and I still do not know her real name and never asked. We don't exchange photos beyond maybe an initial swap of head shots. Occasional details about their lives will slip out in "pillow talk" (like I know one is a medical student, one is married, or one is originally from India) but overall we don't share much personal information about ourselves. Long story short, my wife found out and is unhappy about it. She says I have cheated on her. I told her the truth (what I told you) but she doesn't believe that I could talk to women and not want to meet them for sex or that there is not some sort of emotional affair going on. I am trying to break this habit at her request, but in my mind I don't really see this as cheating on her. It's sort of like porn to me. Am I being disloyal by doing this?
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affair, cybersex, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): it's cheating because you hide it from her. That's it. Done and dusted.
It's not a step beyond masturbation or solo fantasy. It involves INTERACTION WITH OTHERS.
How would you feel if you found out your wife had an online lover she'd had for years...
It's amazing how the mind can compartmentalize and rationalize...
IT'S CHEATING.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 It doesn't really matter whether or not cybersex can be "officially" classed as cheating. The point is, it is a part of your sex life that you hid from your wife. This is about deception. I'm sure she feels that she doesn't know you anymore. She thought she knew about your sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies etc and then she finds out you've been doing this behind her back.
When you marry, sex is supposed to be just between the 2 of you. You should be happy for that to be the case.
Just because you have not actually, in real life touched or seen or spoken to these people. You have engaged in conversation of a very sexually explicit nature with them. Would that be ok if your wife did this with other guys? How about if they were sat in the same room? Your wife and a random guy talking about what they would do to each other whilst masturbating together. Would that be cool? That is what you are doing. Just because it is with randoms and you are removed by the medium of a computer, it still does not make it ok. It is called cyberSEX. The name alone implies it is more than porn. It may not be full intimacy, it may not involve physical closeness. But it is a form of mental cheating. You are menatally getting your kicks outside of your marriage. It is more than masturbation because you are doing it with another person witnessing and joining in with the act. Just because they are not in the same room does not change that fact.
You can put your point across and try to convince us that you are right to have done this, and it is nothing worse than porn, but it is not us you need to convince. It is your wife. If this cybersex is nothing more than porn, why didn't you tell her before you married? Why hide it? You know why. You knew that most likely your wife would not be cool with it, and you know that this is because cybersex IS a step beyond porn and not something most women would be happy for their man to do.
It is YOUR choice whether you have cybersex. But it is your wife's choice whether she wants to continue a marriage with a man who has been having cybersex throughout their relationship. As a woman, if that were me, I would file for divorce. But I am not your wife...
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (21 July 2011):
I suggest you invest a little more of you time in making your wife happy, if you do it right the benefits will be far greater than you'll get from your cyberfriends.
For those of us with no first hand experience of a cyberrelationship what actually happens? Do have live voice calls? Or is it online interactive messages? If the latter then you've probably had cybersex with quite a few men. Think of that next time you're jerking off and save your energy for a real person, your wife.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Why did you hide it from your wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone other than your wife regards as cheating or being disloyal. She is the one who has been hurt by your 'habit' and you need to listen to her.
Personally, i find your values very jaded. Maybe you should reflect on the promises you made to this lady when you married her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yes, I'd call it cheating too.
But,why are we getting so hung up on labels and definitions ?
The issue here is that you are married, therefore you are not supposed to do anything behind your spouse's back, except organizing her birthday surprise party.
What you do is something that your wife does not approve of, and has not been previously informed about ( so that she could not voice her disapproval, I guess. I don't think for a sec you just assumed she'd been cool with this type of entertainment ). Therefore, call it cheating, or call it disloyalty, or call it being secretive, - it's not OK and you need to stop it.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (20 July 2011):
The issue here is that people have differing opinions as to what constitutes cheating, betrayal, or disloyalty. For some couples in open relationships, having sex with other people outside of the relationship is not considered cheating but there are usually rules in place. In other words, it is discussed and defined between couple what is allowed and what is not. For other couples kissing would be considered cheating, viewing pornography would be considered a betrayal and unacceptable, and in some cultures looking at another man the wrong way will get a woman beaten. So the definition is culturally defined, and also dependant on the two people involved.
In general, committed couples have an unspoken agreement that they will only have each other as the sole outlet and expression of their sexual needs and fulfilment, other than masturbation which is considered natural as a person's own physical connection and self-expression. Masturbation to porn is usually accepted (or tolerated)because it does not involve another person in real life, so there is no "percieved threat" to the relationship. However this is not always the case, sometimes masturbation and an addiction to porn can have a real impact on the sexual relationship of a couple, and detract from their own sexual contact. In this case, the spouse of such a person would consider the behaviour disloyal, or a betrayal, or perhaps just unacceptable because it adversely affects the relationship. Cybersex or phonesex is a grey area because it is masturbation but you are using another living person for your sexual stimulation. This might not impact on your sexual relationship, but it might, the same way that porn can. This doesn't really answer the question.
What does provide the answer is the fact that you kept this behaviour hidden from your wife, and that is what makes it cheating. You kept it hidden because you had a concern she wouldn't accept it, or wouldn't accept you. You decided it might be a risk to your relationship which you didn't want to take, so you kept it secret, and this is a betrayal and a disloyalty. It is a good idea to let people know about things that you do which might upset them before you marry them, and you chose not to. The actual act of what you do might not be considered cheating by some people, some people would be ok with you doing it, but the fact that you didn't tell her is the issue, because it breaks her trust in you, and that definitely affects your relationship.
Another way to look at it is simply this: Cheating is what the other person wouldn't want you to do sexually that doesn't involve them. You are doing something your wife wouldn't want you to do that doesn't involve her.
Time for you to have a conversation with your wife and find out from her what is acceptable and what is not, and either behave acceptably if it is acceptable to you, go on to plan B which involves possibilities such as compromise, communication, couples therapy, or divorce.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2011):
 You *are* cheating on your wife. Let me ask you a pointed question. Are you masturbating while having cybersex with other people? This means you're using a live person for your sexual release other than your wife. The fact that you used the very term "pillow talk" is an intimate thing.
Someone else already pointed this out, but would you be okay with your wife having the same kinds of online conversation with another man and spending herself sexually while spending her time with him? Would you be okay with her "pillow talk" with someone else with the same conversations, the same innuendo, and the same intentions? Let's take it a step further. How would you feel knowing that your wife's words and actions online were causing real men to have very real orgasms while fantasizing about putting their hands all over your wife's body and her going down on them?
Starting to hit a little closer to home?
You are not using porn when having cybersex. You are using a real person, not just images. You are spending real time, possibly real money, and real sexual energy on other women who are not your wife.
Two things wrong with this picture:
1. Cyber sex is addicting. You are already addicted. This is why your wife's sex drive isn't enough. You've already trained your mind and your penis to be stimulated by this outlet. Wouldn't matter now if your wife was a nymphomaniac because you need this anonymous fantasy to get off.
2. Cyber sex is progressive. Already you need more and more to the point of getting caught for doing it. Eventually, even the current levels of what you're doing will not be enough. Eventually, like a drug, you'll either need it more frequently or more "intensely" to achieve your same high. That means that this whole crap about anonymous isn't going to be enough. You'll want to meet. You'll want to make the fantasy more real. You'll want to up the dosage to get more out of it.
IT'S NOT PORN. Are these women getting paid? NO. Are these women talking to you? YES. Do they have actual lives that you're actually questioning them about? YES. This takes it way out of bounds. This isn't the silicone bombshells wiggling it in front of a camera so that men they will never interact with can get their jollies. You are talking to women.
There's another danger here. You're using these cyber women. You're saying that it's anonymous and will never go anywhere, yet you're engaging in "pillow talk" and asking for photos and details about their lives? Are you going for the girlfriend experience? It's possible that you're misleading them into thinking that they have a relationship with you, yet you'll use them, cut them loose, and skip off down the road if they get too close, too inquisitive, or too demanding.
You need to check your excuses at the door and get help for this sex addiction. You cannot even begin to blame your wife's sex drive if you had this addiction before you met her. Addiction is addiction, and your wife doesn't have the ability to take its place, because you're way too ingrained for it now.
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A
female
reader, janice201149 +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yes, because even you never seen each other but the thing you do in internet is a sign of cheating. Disrespect on your partner. As what you said in your story is a sign of psychological problem on you. I think to help your self try to divert your attention that you and your partner will enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, smiliek +, writes (20 July 2011):
 porn is not interactive. You are simply watching a film and getting off to it. You may or may not imagine its you in that act but you aren't having to actively think about it.
Cyber sex you are thinking about someone else, talking to them and having them tell you what they'd do to you etc. Its interacting with someone else to get off, in real time. To me that is cheating. Porn is a past act that you simply watch, cyber sex you are creating it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011):
OP here:
How is imagining having sex with someone else cheating? I just don't get that. If I imagine having sex with a stranger that is clearly not cheating. If someone then pretends to be said stranger that is cheating? How so? There is no sexual contact. There is no pretext of a relationship. Please help me understand what about it you see as wrong. I have no real interest in any of these people. How is it different from porn?
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yep.
How would you feel if SHE did this?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2011):
Yeah, you're cheating. Pillow talk with lovers? You really don't think that's cheating? Wow. Maybe it's time for a discussion about boundaries.
The fact that it was a habit prior to marriage and that you didn't disclose it--okay, let's face it, you HID it--shows you know it isn't something your wife would accept as 'ordinary porn use.'
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yes, cybersex is cheating. Just because you're not having physical sex with someone doesn't mean it's not cheating.
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yeah I would call it cheating. It's the fact that you are interacting with another person for sexual pleasure. If I had to rate the degrees of cheating it would be low on the list but still would be there.
Now I don't think it would be a problem if your partner knew about this in advance and understood it as the way you do. That is a little difficult to explain now but still a possibilty.
The issue is not really if it is cheating or not because people have very different views on that. The issue is that your wife feels that it is cheating so as long as you are with her it is no matter what others say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): I agree with your wife here. Although you aren't physically cheating -- actually having real sexual contact with someone -- you are cheating.
You are seeking other women (you're assuming they're women even if you aren't always 100 percent positive because you never know online) to "have sex with" and make you feel good. You are, as person12345 said, relying on specific people, some for a long amount of time! It's an emotional thing for you, too, because these women you're having cybersex with make you happy emotionally.
It's not porn if you're actively seeking someone to talk to -- whether it's on the phone or on the Internet. It's cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Yes, cybersex is cheating.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 July 2011):
 You don't have to meet them for sex, you are not only interacting with other people for sexual release but you are relying on specific people who you know. By what stretch of the imagination are you not cheating? The ONLY difference between this and meeting for sex is that you can't catch any STDs.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Yes.
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