A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How big of a deal is it to violate your lover's privacy by checking his browser history?I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. We met on a dating site. Things were going great for a bit, but behavior patterns changed. He suddenly didn't message me like he did, and was more distant and not wanting sex.At this time I re-signed onto the dating site we met on and found he was still logging in regularly. I talked to him about it, and asked him if he was having his doubts about our commitment. He said he logged in out of habit, and he was there to do the quizzes. He told me that I should trust him, and that with my questioning of the relationship he was no worried because he thought I was becoming like his ex, and questioning his every action.(( At about this same time, he met a woman from the same dating site for drinks. He said they were just friends and even though they had met on the dating site, they just had never had a chance to meet in person even though they had talked online for at least a year ))I let it go for a couple of months, but I watch his sign on patterns for the dating site. He signs in a lot first thing in the morning, and many times right after work. Many times he calls me right after work, but on the days he doesn't he frequently signs into the dating site first.With more behavior that made me nervous (getting angry when I asked if I could stop by while he was out watching the fights with friends, pulling away, hiding his phone when he got a text and etc.) I logged onto the dating site to see how much one can do besides look at people's profiles, and the answer was not much.I looked at how many quizzes he had taken, and he didn't seem to be taking any. Also, I could tell that most of the time his log ons were because he purposely entered his username and password. They were not from him leaving himself logged in on another tab, and 'refreshing' every time he came un-idle to do something on the computer.With all of this I decided I needed to check his browser history. He had been looking at his matches this week, and he had been looking at (I could not determine if he sent or just read) messages to members, and was looking at girls profiles.When I confronted him before I told him I looked at his history, he said that he still logs in every day out of habit. He doesn't take quizzes, but he doesn't look at people's profiles. He couldn't answer what appeals to him to log on, and said again that it was habit.When I told him he had been looking at profiles he shouted no he had not.Later I found out from a friend he is saying I am a horrible person because I checked his browser history. I know liars tend to attack when they have been caught, and blame those they lied to. I am just wondering how much of an ethics violation have I committed by checking his browser history.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Thank you everyone!!I broke up with him as soon as I saw the browser history. However, as a friend of mine unfriended me from FB last night said "You shouldn't have gone through his things, that was dumb" I started to worry that maybe I had broken a big taboo. (It is pretty big for me, I feel that I have to be at the edge of breaking up for me to check) and I wanted to reassure and arm myself in case he tries to come back later and make it into my fault.Thanks a bunch for helping me have clarity that I was in the right to have checked, and it is good not to have the douchebag in my life anymore.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (5 April 2010):
 Having just been through a relationship myself, my ex wouldn't usually have an issue with me going through his phone (or at least touching it to make a call). He could do whatever he wanted with my phone, computer, whatever. I seriously had nothing to hide, and whatever porn that was on my computer, I was up front with him from the beginning. He knew I watched it when he wasn't around, and the same from him. When I was immature and began this first relationship, I believed that if you had to resort to looking through someone's things, even with reason, you didn't trust them. And they do have a right to privacy, because it's their things.
HOWEVER. Now that I have just finished a two year relationship, I have to agree with Laura. When you choose to be in a committed relationship, privacy is kind of out the window. I mean you have your own thoughts and feelings and all that stuff of course, but when you are doing something that is violating your partner's trust, the first reaction is to jump onto the 'right to privacy train'. For example:
Like I said before, my ex had no problem with me playing around with his phone, until the last few days of our relationship. He wouldn't let me see it. At all. We were having many issues, and I had stated that I thought it was best to break up. On the day that I came over to drop off his things, I asked to see his phone. He refused. The conversation ended that we'd give things one more chance. I ended up finding his phone that day, and all that night before, he was talking to another girl about me. Lemme tell you, they weren't nice things. Anyway, was the last straw, and I dumped him. And when I confronted him about it, all he could yell was "You went through my phone???"
It was never an issue before, but all of a sudden now that he was doing something that would hurt me or he felt guilty about, he didn't want me to even touch his phone. Same with the computer. I think that you had a strong feeling that something was wrong, and I think you acted on it. You needed to find out if there was something amiss, because you certainly weren't going to get the truth from your boyfriend. And I think it's natural to have to see things for yourself in order to believe that something is truly wrong. Now the question is; what now? I think he's lying to some extent, and I think you will have to talk to him about how this issue is making you feel. You can only talk to him for so much however, and if he isn't willing to change, then there won't be any trust. And no relationship is worth not being able to trust. I think checking history is acceptable in such a relationship, if and only if there is a strong reason that you have to. Acknowledging the fact that because you had to check their history means that you don't trust them as much as you should is also the other side of the action. And again, trust is essential.
Best of luck to you. And don't become addicted to looking at his history, or else you'll go insane. Know that what you did was justified, and now you have a lot on your plate to sort out, including the fate of this relationship. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 April 2010):
I think there needs to be a certain amount of trust, before you can truly have privacy for such things as emails. In most relationships there is a level of privacy. Naturally, people are curious, and will browse through history, emails anything if they have the chance. I'm sure if I left my emails open my girlfriend would probably look, because it's just curiosity. All that said, I think you were right to look at the history because it's showing him up. You don't just log on to a dating site out of habit, and him getting very angry and blaming you is a good indication that he is cheating. So to be honest, you need to think about whether you want to be with a man who has the worst excuses ever for being on a dating site.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 April 2010):
 If you are in a committed relationship, there should be no privacy. You should be like an open book and let your partner browse through it as often as they want.
This is my personal opinion only ,for others may have different opinions.
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