A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex-fiancé has a lousy sales job and he's very proud of it because he is self employed and doesn't have to wake up early to respond to a stupid boss. He has always been very involved in my professional life because I've been unemployed for a while and obviously because he knows he can't provide for a family with his little income. But God forbid anyone tell him about getting a new or second job, because he would get very offended by this. He says that the fact that I'm unemployed is why he could never talk seriously about marriage, although we were engaged for at least a year and a half (We got engaged when I was working) This makes sense to me, but what doesn't make sense to me is that he started moving away emotionaly from me because of the unemployment thing. And I was confused because he is the kind of person who starts changing with you and won't tell you why. The relationship lasted more than two years and kind of ended up two months and a half ago when I broke up with him after he started making new friends online and going out to talk with chilhood female friends when this was kind of forbidden in our relationship (he started moving away emotionaly form me) He says that due to his job he needs this new people in his life for his clients are all his friends and his friends are all his clients. Yesterday I found out (at last) that this behavior was because of the insecurities "I was causing him" due to my lack of a job. How ridiculous is that?Last month I was going on this trip for 20 days that my uncle paid for me and few days before leaving the state I felt anxious and contacted him because I wanted like to be in peace with him. We talked a little, had sex and kind of got back together again, or so I thought. He told me we couldn't talk about marriage or anything until I get financial stability. I didn't gave it too much importance since I'm not in a hurry to get married. Before I got into the plane he told me that I should forget about him, and just find a job and do something with my life. I was so excited about my vacations and thought I could meet someone new over there and forget about him, so I didn't care much about what he said. But when I was on vacation he would contact me a lot and was kind of excited about my new possibilities of finding a job there where I was, because where we live it's very difficult for me to find one. I was staying with my uncle who just wanted me to try it there for a little while but was not very supportive about the job hunting thing because I guess he didn't wanted me to stay at his house for a long time for privacy issues. So I told my ex that after 20 days I had to get back to were we live because of the lack of support (the plane ticket was already paid for) and he was kind of mad. I listened to him for a while and then hung up with him because he was like forcing me to stay and find a job. I got home on wednesday and called him on saturday. He knew I was here and didn't care but I needed to talk to him because since I worked for him before I need him to be a good reference for my future job. We talked for a while and I stupidly thought he would make plans for us to do something since I told him I got him something from my vacation, but he didn't do anything. Yesterday (sunday) I got mad as I noticed that the day was passing by and he didn't contacted me. So I called him. I was confused because sometimes he acts as if we are back together and sometimes he ignores me. Also a lot of old arguments were still hanging there without me being able to talk about them and get answers. I wanted to straighten things out with him and when I asked him about our arguments he just wanted to hung up because he didn't wanted to talk about it (as usual). He is always evading to talk about our differences. When we were together and we argued he used to ask me to leave very disrespectfuly. Yesterday I got fed up with his stupid excuses and got some answers out of him and told him a little about my feelings. He told me that in order for "our "relationship" to move forward he needs me to become stable professionaly and financialy (again). It's not like I was asking him to get back together but asking him about the mood swings about the realtionship that he has had for the last months. I don't know if I want to get back with him. But it's hard for me to let go. It's like I wish to find someone new and fall in love and then leave him completely. My people tell me he is no good for me but I really need your opinion. I mean, I know he is right about my needs of financial stability but Do you think he is being rational about this? I think he feels more ashamed about me being unemployed than interested in my well being. Is this normal behavior for a man who is supposed to be in love with me?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 I think the reason behind your boyfriends moods is for a couple of reasons. Men like to problems solve, but they can only problems solve when there is something PHYSICAL that can contribute. Your boyfriends problem with you is that YOU DONT HAVE A JOB. Obviously you not meeting him half way and working ( a reasonable demand for a happy relationship) is creating unhappiness within the relationship. There fore, your man is UNABLE to solve the problem thats bugging him...he cannot force you to go out and get a job.
YOU on the other hand seem confused about your relationship, you want him to love and support you, but then you talk of going off and moving to another place and meeting new men. Does this mean you love him? or that you would just rather be with another man who will put up with you not having a job?
Your continually asking and questioning your guy about his moods, when there seems to be just one thing bugging him...THAT YOU WONT WORK.
Im this day and age, unless your married to a millionaire, its really hard to cope on just one salary and finance is something men feel particularly responsible for. It knocks their ego if they are seen to be struggling. You need to help your guy out, you need to find a job, any job that shows your willing to contribute. Its just not fair to sit around demanding he love and respect you, when you yourself know that your not helping with the practical side of things.
'But God forbid anyone tell him about getting a new or second job, because he would get very offended by this'
I quote what you said in some hope of hi lighting how selfish of a statement this is when your not working yourself.
Its never easy to find work, but if your tenacious enough and look hard enough, then it is always possible to find something. Before i work where i work now, I had two poorly paid jobs myself. it wasn't easy but at least I made ends meet and there are millions of people out there doing the same.
I am sure if you find work, it will relieve a lot of tension in your relationship and maybe you guys can make a serious go of it.
Apologies for the tough talk but its' how I see it.
Good luck
Aunty Em xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): First off, I don't know what sort of job you are looking for or for how long you have been unemployed....but from the sounds of things, your focus seems to be misplaced on this dieing relationship.
I don't get from you at all that you are that interested in becoming gainfully employed. I live in a town where it is very difficult to find employment that would give you a career, so I understand how difficult it can be. That said, there is no excuse for being unemployed...there are many hourly jobs that you could take, while looking for something better. To consider a free plane ticket to go to your uncle's home for 20 days a vacation, is pretty ridiculous when you are unemployed...your uncle thinks so, that is why the lack of support-you weren't looking for a job in his city, and your friend there is wise to you, too.
If I were in his shoes, I would not want a relationship with a woman who is more concerned about making me love her than she is about being independent and self supporting, I would think she is looking for Joe Paycheck and not at all in love with me....you even state that you don't know how you feel about him quiet frequently, you just seem miffed that he is not falling all over you with attention. You also disrespect the fact that he is ambituous enough to be self employed and building a business. I don't agree with mixing friendship with business, he should not be making all of his friends his only clients, and I think you may misunderstand him on that one, as he knows that is not a good idea in business either....so I think you have something to prove, mostly to yourself, about who you are as a single young woman, forget about proping up your ego with a man, you don't need it. Get out there and make a life for yourself, romance will come in time, when you are more ready for it.
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