A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is being "Plain and Simple" a compliment?We were having dinner the other night and I asked my husband of over 20 years did it taste ok.I said its just plain food, meaning unprocessed.He said "Yes, Plain and Simple,just the way I like my women"I gave him a dirty look and said "Do you know you have just insulted me?"He joked " Are you my women?"He said "I'm joking, can I not have a joke?"I didn't find it funny!I have been feeling down in the dumps and having confidence issues for some time now with not being able to get a job and not being being able to lose my 3 stone overweight.Am I just Plain, Simple, Fat and Stupid?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 See a doctor about your depression and consider therapy for yourself and as a couple. You need to communicate what you want your husband to do (like compliment you more) or he won't think to do it. Many people would forget after such a long marriage - it doesn't automatically mean he's less attracted to you, just less naturally inclined to boost your confidence.
Focus on getting a job and working a voluntary one in the meantime, as achieving something while helping animals/people will lift your mood and self-worth. Tell him what you need and look into getting a check up for your depression.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): I posted the question.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer.
To be honest i think i can give and take a joke but this past while I've had knock backs where work is concerned & feeling very low & worthless.
My 2 kids are young adults now & working abroad & I was hoping for us to get a social life back again but my confidence is at an all time low & I feel guilty about not getting a job & I just cant seem to focus myself!
I know I just need to feel good about myself first & get some confidence. It has just slipped away over the years.
I did explain to him how I feel & although we have been married over 20 years it's not easy to bring it to the bone & tell anyone how low you are feeling about yourself.
You don't want to look at that yourself let alone let anybody else see it!
See i did tell him only a few days before & he just seemed to forget, even after he made his "joke" & i told him how I felt & reminded him of what I had laid bare & told him only a few days before, he just defended himself.
I'm not saying he is wrong to defend himself.
But when someone you are supposed to care about opens up & tells you things they are feeling about themselves, feelings of being useless & worthless, you would kind of think you would try & cheer them up & try & make them feel a little worthwhile, just help them brush themselves down & get back to some kind of self worth.
A compliment now & again wouldn't go amiss!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): You're oversensitive and took his joke the wrong way. You're looking for someone to lash-out at for the way you're feeling. You may be depressed, and it may be time for a thorough medical examination and hormone-check.
Depression leaves no room for humor. Jokes just aren't funny when you're too low. Get a medical check-up.
Not being able to get a job lowers the self-esteem. shakes your confidence; and sometimes makes people feel useless. He hit the wrong button, and your reaction was anger instead of a laugh. Granted, his timing really sucks.
You can't fault your husband for how you feel about yourself. He can shower you with phony compliments; but what good would it really do if you feel bad about yourself regardless.
If you feel neglected, he's sitting right there. He's your husband, you can tell him how you're feeling. Things have been fine for two decades, and apparently he's content with his food and with his marriage. You're the one complaining.
It's up to you to boost your own self-esteem. Fix yourself up, arrange a dinner-date with your husband. Ask him to take you out for a fun evening, and getaway from the doldrums of sedimentary domestic-life. Arrange a weekend getaway to leave your troubles behind.
If you're looking at life with a sour-attitude, don't try to pass the blame onto your husband. If you aren't happy, tell him why. If you don't know why, perhaps you're aging and just not happy about that. We all grow older and wiser, and if we have a mate to standby us through that process, we are blessed. So count your blessings. Life's too short.
Some guys are lousy about showering you with compliments, but they show love like crazy. What kept you with the same guy for twenty years? If he makes you miserable, what forced you to stay?
We have the responsibility to ourselves to find our own happiness, and the point of a partner is to share that happiness we've found through our own resources. It's no one's burden to try and figure-out what will keep you happy and what the hell you're unhappy about. Only that you're angry and sulking, but who knows why?
Yes, sometimes the well drys up. We lose a job, the kids grow-up, and we grow older. Growing meaner and surly isn't good for a marriage. If hubby is slow when it comes to showing affection and satisfying your needs, who's fault is it if you don't know how to communicate after 20 years of marriage?
Keep looking for work and press on. You'll find a job. Plain and simple means easy to understand and without a lot of drama and conflict. Narcissistic women set high standards they don't meet, feel everyone should be beholden to their looks, and feel their presence on this earth is God's gift.
Well, those who are humble and sweet are hard to come-by, and make life easy and livable. They are a treasure and a pleasure to be around, because they make life less complicated. I guess I'm one of those plain and simple people; because I get right to the point.
If the word simple in your vocabulary means stupid, and plain means unattractive; then perhaps you should educate your husband on your interpretation; so he'll be sure not to go there. You're his woman, not other women. Perhaps his dull-wit could use a little honing, but take it as a joke as it was intended. It was humorous sarcasm, the type you use with someone who's so close to you; you feel they can almost read your mind, and know your heart.
If that isn't what you have, and you're falling out-of-love; or have already lost it. Perhaps you need to let him know. Maybe he doesn't know where your head's at, and has lost his ability to read your mind.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 October 2016):
 I think, because you are feeling insecure in yourself, you are seeing insults where none are intended.
It was a joke. A typical man joke. No, I don't find it hilarious either but, in your place, I would have either treated it with the contempt it deserved (i.e. ignored it as if I had not heard it) or tutted and rolled my eyes and responded with an obviously fake laugh. I have made a similar joke about coffee before, saying I like it "strong and black - just like my men". It was a joke. I didn't mean it. I was trying to be funny.
I think your self esteem problems caused you to over-react to your husband's attempt at humour.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 October 2016):
 I don't think he meant "plain and simple" as in being a plain Jane in the looks department. I think he meant that you're a simple, uncomplicated person. Please don't get offended, men most often aren't too articulate with words. And also, don't let your insecurities take over. I bet he's not even thinking of all the things that you are... About your job and weight. Would you have preferred if he'd called you high maintenance?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 October 2016):
 It depends how you look at it, I can see why you're offended but on the other hand it could be viewed as what you see is what you get, you don't mess him around and you're upfront/open.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 October 2016):
He's chosen you for most of his life - unless he shows you no love at all, it's clear he *wants* you.
Plain and simple can be a compliment. You have a different sense of humour and I'd question it too, if my boyfriend said it to me, but your husband definitely didn't mean it as an insult, by the sounds of it. He just means that it's great to not have to deal with over-complicated food/women and he prefers things as is.
Work on getting a job, to help your confidence. Get a voluntary job until then, to increase your self-worth and occupy your time. Believe me; having a chip on your shoulder (I do, too!) will only make you over-analyse his joke.
If it would help, ask him what he likes about you and/or what he likes to see you in. If he says something like "your blue dress" or "the floral shirt", you can wear that on your next date or ask for him to help you choose something else you both like.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (1 October 2016):
 Many men, me included, find simplicity a virtue. Simplicity removes presumption therefore builds trust. Simplicity is more productive because it lets yes be yes, no be no and allows people to move on to get things done. People who are simple tend to be truthful and honest, so if simple people thought that you are "Plain, Simple, Fat and Stupid?" they would probably let you know that way in advance because they tend not to hide stuff. Therefore, you should take his statement as a compliment and not be presumptuous about it. You don't have to find it funny, but I think he finds you adorable because of how you are otherwise he would not have said it. Perhaps there maybe other stuff going on with you two that precipitated this resentment over food?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 October 2016):
 There are many men in the world who don't appreciate high maintenance, drama queens. Ti them plain and simple is a complement. Usually they are smart enough not to say it out loud.
It has been my experience, as one of these men, that women beat up on themselves enough, and there is no point in criticizing them. Instead tell them what it is you like about them. It is important to say it the right way. You don't say I like that you are practical, you say I love what you have done with that outfit.
I would bet that your husband is actually pretty good at this. After all you have stuck with him for 20 years.
I recommend you do 2 things. One think back with a clear and unbiased memory about the many times he has complemented you and you liked it. Second tell him you are still feeling a bit bad about that dinner conversation and you would like him to tell you what he likes about you most. Give him time to answer.
FA
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