A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am right now very numb... Two days ago I woke up and was going to paint getting ready for my long term bf to finally move in. He had slept over and left his iPad. I was looking at the furniture that we had been looking at the night before on it and then I glanced at his email I know I shouldn't of, but I did. Please don't judge that, my dad cheats so he knows that I do this sometimes less now than before. I found a graphic email from a woman he met in basic training, there were no names and I didn't believe it. I checked his Facebook messages and found that he had her copy and paste it and then they talked about missing each other and cuddling. I changed the locks and moved the stuff he had there and then I left. I talked to him yesterday and he said that it was a fantasy that they both knew would not happen. They never got physical. He then made an appointment that day for couples therapy. He told me that he feels that it is no different than porn because they never had an emotional attraction nor had sex. I am so confused. I hurt so much. Men do you see things like this as porn not cheating? Can he change and not do this again? Am I wasting my time in couples therapy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): i had an affiar, i didnt plan it, never thought it would happen, it was wrong on several levels, the biggest being his my step brother, the attraction started when we met, well it did for me, and i think it did for him to, we got on well laughed all night, when we were teenagers he was 16, i was 14, nothing happen then, we both grew up and went our seperate ways, recently a yr ago we both met up, the 1st time in yrs we had seen each other alone, i was going through a bad time he was chatting to me about it, we then started opening up about the feelings we had back yrs ago for each other and those feelings were still there, coz he starting kissing me, it was lovely it felt like love really, still does for me i love, we continued after that, i,m not sure on his feelings i think he keeps them hidden maybe thats a good thing, i cant have him for family reasons but i love him anyway, no help ha impossible.
A
male
reader, ilgitano +, writes (1 April 2012):
You did the right thing.
About the porn question: no, porn is nothing unless it's an addiction. Viewing a few porn clips a week is just a form of entertainment. Doing it on a daily basis while in a relationship is a kind of cheating. Doing it half the day everyday is an addiction. What your bf did is more like the second one... so yes, i say it is cheating based on the fact that you guys have never discussed this openly.
Can he change? Yes. We all change. You too will change.
Are you waisting your time? Maybe... you see, this is not only porn. This is closer to an actual affair. When I do a gut check with this story but on myself (ei if a girl was doing that to me), the feeling is not good. So I would walk away.
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A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 in my opinion you did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Porn and what he is doing is quite different. Porn is taped sex. All you do is watch it. It doesn't talk back to you. It doesn't address YOU specifically and responds to your statements. You don't meet porn in person in basic training, nor is it something you could get on the phone with and potentially cheat with if you haven't done it already. He is talking to a REAL human being that is dynamic with her own ideas and suggestions. You certainly run a risk that these very sexual conversations can escalate. It takes only one person to suggest a meet-up and you have old-fashion, full on sexual cheating.
You could go to therapy and see if it will do anything for you. Personally, I see it as a waste of time. Your partner hid this from you and you would have never known about it unless you snooped. No one will guarantee if he will do this again, or if he will ever stop.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
what a croc of s**t...he got caught out and his playing the therapy card! This is a form of cheating, NOTHING like porn. I wouldn't watse another minute with him. Lucky you found out before you went through with decorating and moving in with him. As you said your own father cheats, do you want to be with a man who obviously does the same? NO!! your worth more than that so much more.
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (23 February 2012):
From my point of view, its cheating.
Its that emotional bond that you are supposed to have with the person you love, not with someone you know/talk to over the net or whatever.
He was sharing things that should be with you, and creating that emotional bond with someone else, is the same, to me, as cheating.
Porn.... If you watch it together, i don't see the issue, but if he watches it alone and you don't like that he does, then you need to say so, and if that becomes an issue for him,then i'd have a long look at if he is the right one for you.
Hope i helped, and sorry if i didn't
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): YOu did the right thing. Don't let him back. Let him stick to counselling. Commit to it. Tend counselling and only address matters there. Other than that give him the cold shoulder until you have a better head space and he has PROVEN HE IS COMMITTED TO YOU and TO CHANGE by addressing this in COUNSELLING.
Sometimes being a hardcore B*tch gets you the respect you want and deserve. Just we call it tough love. ;)
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A
male
reader, MAEJ2117 +, writes (23 February 2012):
This is very tricky because there's not really anyway of tell whether he's lying or not without hiring professionals. I personally would class those kinds of email in the same league as webcam cyber-sex or telephone sex hotlines.
The question I think you should ask yourself is "Is our sex life satisfying him"? Men tend to resort to porn if they feel their sex life is lacking.
However, it still is the strong possibility that he might be cheating. The fact that he is seeking fantasies from another woman that he knows is a big indicator. Without jumping to conclusions though, I can't say if he's being unfaithful or not.
If you were ready to move in together, then there must be some strong feelings from him as well as from you to each other. I would continue with the therapy if you still have concerns.
I'm sorry you have to go through this just as you were about to make a hefty commitment, I hope everything works out for you.
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