A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair 7 years ago. He broke it off after 2.5 years. We boyh stayed married to our spouses. I really loved him and was heart broken. 2 months ago he reached out to me. He claims he still loves me, is in love with me and on and on. I really do t feel tbe same. I et him and didnt feel anything. But i have been playing with him. Before during our affait he told me he loved me a hundred times a day. I was his soul mate, first love, we were meant to be together and on and on. But when his wife found out he dropped me andthen ghosted me. For 7 years. So i dont believe a word he tells me. I am bored, married a much okder man who is not interested in anything but golf. Is all far in love and war.
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male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (29 March 2019):
 I was once unfaithful in a long term relationship. This occured in the beginning of my relationship. I never realised but I grew to love my partner but allways had to live with the mistrust of what I'd done. As I grew to love her more and more. I regretted what I did more and more and wished I'd never done it. She became insecure in the relationship and it was allways there. You say your bored with your husband. Honey this is no reason to cheat on him. Think of the emotional pain he will feel if he finds out. You have two options you leave him and start a new life. Or you pay him some attention in the bed room and fall in love with him all over again.
A
male
reader, B_TRUE_2_YOURSELF +, writes (4 March 2019):
 Thank you for sharing your feelings. As I read your problem, I couldn't help but drop a tear. I too am on the other end of a marriage that has caused me so much pain because I married a woman I still believe is in love with someone she had an affair while we were married. It's so sad because I've caught my wife in 3 cases since we got married. We have been married for 29 years. I love her, and regardless of her infidelities, I didn't want to see my family separated. I am going through what I believe is the same case that you are dealing with now; she is still in love with someone that she had an affair with. Yes, we stayed together following the discovery of the incident. However, as time passed, it seemed like her heart was still with him. She would look for reasons to be mad at me to give her an excuse to get in contact with him. I have asked her many occasion why does she stay with me if I am such a bad person? I am anything but a bad person. It's not a person I can think of would ever view me a such a person. I just wished she would come clean and stop using me for collateral. She knows I am a good man and many women are waiting for the opportunity to get me. Therefore, she tries to make me look bad with others to justify what she is planning. The best advice coming from someone who is the victim is to stop destroying someone who loves you and go after who you love. He will recover if you are honest. But don't try to make this out a love/hate issue. If you can have the audacity to have an affair in the first place, you should likewise be bold enough to follow your heart without keeping your husband bound to your unfaithfulness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019): You now know you can live without him. Why drag yourself back down into that emotional hell hole? It's over. If you aren't happy with your husband, leave. Because you are in danger of having another affair. You can't fix what's broken inside you with other people. Other people could distract you temporarily but at the end of the day, you will be looking at your broken self in the mirror. If you go on this way, you will NEVER be happy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Confused about why you are asking the question. Do you mean you want to go back and have another affair or are you trying to justify "playing" with your ex lover? Neither of those is "fair" or anything to do with love. Phrases like "all is fair in love and war" make war and love sound like games. Neither of them IS a game. It's just a stupid saying people use to try to justify unreasonable or ridiculous behaviour.
Why did you marry a much older husband? Security? That does not excuse cheating on him. If you don't love him and the marriage is dead, leave him and be free to find someone who fulfills your completely natural human need to feel loved. Or is the money more important to you?
While I can, to some extent, understand the yearning to exact some sort of "revenge" on your ex lover for his previous treatment of you, you need to realize that the opposite of love is not hate but INDIFFERENCE. Regardless of what you write, you are very obviously not over him yet, otherwise you would have just ignored him when he tried to contact you and not thought much more about it. If you get involved with him again, you know history will simply repeat itself and he will dump you again as soon as his wife finds out. Do you not think you are worth better?
Perhaps you could make good use of your ex's contact by taking stock of your life and deciding how you want to live going forward and what is of most importance to you instead of treating love like some sort of game?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 March 2019):
 He’s a lying, cheating slime ball. He showed his true intentions when his wife found out and he dropped you like a bad habit!
You were nothing but sex to him and he fed you bull crap you keep you hooked which worked a charm!
There’s no love in any of this. Not even your own marriage, why waste your life with someone you don’t care about? Your husband deserves better.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2019):
 You’re not behaving like someone who deserves love, right now. You CHOSE to marry an older man. Stop being selfish and either work on your marriage or divorce him. It’s not fair to cheat on people, OP. Grow up, leave your husband and accept that you need to learn a few lessons as a single woman before trying to date anyone else (SINGLE MEN ONLY!).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): If you're married to one man, whom you don't love; and having an affair with another man who won't leave his wife. What's love got to do with any of this?
He repeatedly tells you that he loves you. "I love you" is code for "lets have sex!" It's the trigger-word that ignites your lust. It gets you hot and bothered; but it's empty in meaning. You know that as well as I do.
Your relationship with your ex-lover is more along the lines of lustful and addictive. No one wants to leave their current marriages; but you both maintained the affair, simply because you enjoy the thrill you get from cheating in secrecy. The drama and intrigue that you derive from deception; and the adrenaline that intoxicates you like a drug-induced high, at the thought of getting caught at any moment. Tempting fate and playing Russian roulette with your marriages.
It all ends in nothingness. He always returns to his wife; and you to your husband. Perhaps marriages of convenience.
There is no fairness in war. It's all about destruction of your enemy. Apparently the enemy here is trust. The word "love" gets volleyed back and forth between you, but it's not real. If it was, you would have divorced your spouses and runaway together seven years ago.
Get a divorce. Start a new life, and change your attitude.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2019):
 No.
It makes you JUST as bad as him, but in a sad and petty way.
I feel sorry for your husband, he deserves better. If you marriage is so boring and your husband so boring, why not LET him go find someone who might enjoy him? and you can DO whatever or whomever you want?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Move on.
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