A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. ive been in really hard time right now. Ive made the worst decision in my life to marry my husband. We now have 5 months son and he is the only reason i stay. I think its the only reason too my husband and his parent still want me in their house.My husband is a pathetic liar, selfish and childish man. Ive made mistake before by marrying him and having a son with him. My mother in law is a bully. She thinks since im in her house she can degrade me as she likes beacuse i never defend myself. I dont want more trouble. My husband never defend me too. Worse, he told his parent when something happen in our relationship. He surely side with them over me. But when he needs financial help he will be sweet to me. He thinks he is a victim of my constant complaints. Whenever his mom did things that hurt me,i told him and he takes that as im complaining. I can only told him because he is my husband right? He told me to ask his mother why she treats me like that, and he says it will make more problem if he is involved. If he is presence when his mom bully me verbally on the crowd he still act like he doesnt understand and let it go. He cant protect me and wont try to. He wants me to just let it go and accept it. He actually doesnt feel comfortable either around his mom and prefer to avoid her around in the same room.I dont love him anymore and i think he feels the same. We dont have sex for almost a year. What kind of man can refuse sex when his wife try to initiate it by giving reasons and silently masturbate everytime in the shower?He doesnt get jealous over anything about me anymore. He knows i have a male friend who giving me attention and sending gifts to me but he doesnt get jealous or want to know about it. Whenever we argue he will say"i know there is a man who loves you there and im fine with that even its only a status between us". "Ill try to hide this fact from your parent as long as you happy". "Im so stressed out living in this situation and i want to die. Its very hard to be a man with little earnings. I struggle everynight to sleep thinking about how long more i need to spend my life like this". He everynight will sleep at 3 am and wake up at 9 am. Take a bath for an hour and went to work at 10am. What did he do everynight before sleep? Watching youtube and play games. Going home from work at 6.30 he said and arrived home at 8 pm. He usually went to play basketball before going home while im dealing with his mom and take care for my son at his housr. Its stress he said? Life is so relaxing for him i think. I want to leave him. I still hopes he can changes someday. I want my son to have a father figure and complete family but he seems incapable of that financially and emotionally. Living in his house is making everything worse. He cant mature and grow. Cant even decide to do anything for his life. I just cant take this any longer. I think we need space eventhough he craves tht space more and more. What should i do to teach him a lesson how to become the man in the family? Should i consult his best friend who he always go into when he had problems? He has that victim mentalityand thts not making him to find solution on problems.My parent are not going to support my decision to leave him. They are conservative and i dont have income right now. Money is never an issue for my parent but i dont want to depend on them forever with my son. Im stuck in this situation. I want to leave him as we dont love each other anymore but how can i tell my family about this decision? Theyre not going to accept my decision and im not sure about it too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2019): I think you should see if your parents will let you and your son stay with them for a few months. Call it a long visit if they feel that will be easier to swallow, even though it will really be a trial separation from your husband and his mother's house. It sounds like that environment is toxic for you, and if you and your husband cannot afford to get your own place away from his parents, then I don't think the marriage is sustainable either.While you are staying with your parents, get your own job and keep open communication with your husband. Let him know that in order for you to continue in your marriage he will have to get you guys your own place. You will also need to get a job so you can help with the finances, and then together you should be able to afford something. You have two sets of grandparents that will probably be willing to babysit if you both are working at the same time, and then you each will have to take on some child care and household duties in your spare time, just like everybody else with a family. If you husband or you do not follow through with this process, then you would have to look into getting a divorce, since living with his mother is not feasible. You are doing the right thing with her I think too, by not engaging and making fights even worse. Try not to let her bullying get to you. She is not your spouse and doesn't get a say in how you and your husband relate to each other. I think you are at a crisis point and need that space from her very soon.Also, even though your parents may not like your decision, you have to do what is best for you and your son, and not worry about their honor or status. People come first always. I think they will want to help you though, if you tell them you need to do this in order to try and save your marriage. I am sure they would not want you to get divorced if there was a way to avoid it, which is why I think they will ultimately let you and your son stay with them. Also I imagine they would love to have so much access to their new grandbaby. Best of luck to you, I hope you post again with good news once you get on your own.R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019): My parent wont support my desicion to divorce because they dont want my son to growing up without a father. They definitely going to support me financially like they do now. My father would sneak money to my bag afraid that i dont have money to spend on me and my son. My mom also buys me and my son needs. My parent suggest me to encourage my husband to start a small business and then move out after that. He thinks we should be financially stable before we move out, while my mom says i should move out as soon as possible to one of my parent house. She cant stand how my mother in law treated me. My father is more patience. My parent say they will support my husband to start a small business and ask me to handle the finance. Ive asked my husband how if we do that and he agreed. But somehow i think my parent is being taken advantage of. His mom clearly put financial pressure on my side and she told me to encourage my husband to beg my father for help. While my husband, if i talk about moving out he agreed but he said he cant afford it and if my parent help with accomodation then he is fine. I think him and his parent are so cheap. Im sure my husband wont thank my parent if someday he succeed. He will choose his family over mine eventhough my parent support him and his parent throw him out. In the other hand, my little heart think if he have new environment and responsibility he will learn and having chance to be more mature and responsible. Right now he command workers to do chores in the house. If we move out we will have the sense of togetherness and probably it can change our relationship too if we arr depend on each other to live. Should i move out? How can i move out? What reason should we use? His mom wont let us go. Do you think its a good idea? If in the end i divorce him. Wherr should i start my life with my son? I dont have any income and experience in earning money. I used to help my parent business. Where should i begin with? My baby son is still need me so much. I cant leave him
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): Talk to your mother first. Explain everything as you have done here. Mothers understand. Let her convince your father. You think your family will not understand you. I think you are wrong. Every families priority is to see their sons and daughters are happy. Talk to your mum and I am sure you will be surprised how much they love you. If your husband doesnt care for you anymore then leaving him will be that much easier. Leave and ask for divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): I think they tolerate the lover BECAUSE they will be able to prove infidelity and throw you out into the streets destitute.
They will keep the child and refuse you permission to see him.
So start thinking of selling cakes or sweets because you are in a dangerous place and save that money now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): Read back ALL the other times you have posted this exact question and all the countless advice you have been given, your situation has NOT changed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): Without a job or income of any kind; you can't support your son or yourself.
You're stuck in your marriage; until you become financially independent. I swear I've read this exact story several times before; there was also a Chinese flag above all the previous posts. I recall in all the other posts it was mentioned that the husband had a gambling problem, a failing business, and spent nights out with other women. They also had a son; but in the first two posts, the OP mentioned that she or you were pregnant. There are three or four of these similar posts.
Whether it is you or not. I guess the purpose of the posts are to vent your anguish and frustration.
You're caught in trap of old Chinese-tradition. A male-dominated culture where women do as they're told; and as an old-fashioned honor-based society dictates. You've made a bad-choice. Likely because you didn't listen to your parents; or allow them to arrange a marriage for you.
Maybe your parents are making you lie in the bed you've made for yourself. They would rather you be in a bad-marriage; than a childless single-woman over 30. Their marriage was probably no better than yours. They just got old and used to each other. They grew on one another over the years, like two old-friends. They just want a grandchild. You weren't born a male. So your duty is to be a wife, and bear a child.
If they are financially-comfortable, they want their DNA to be carried-on into the future; and maybe a grandchild to inherit what the have.
Considering many traditional-marriages in China are arranged, and it doesn't matter if you love each other; you'll learn to tolerate each other. A child is the expected product of the marriage. Preferably a boy. Then at some point, you and your husband will take care of his aging parents. I suggest you get tougher. Alone, or if you remain in the marriage; you will have to.
If you've written before, and I suspect you have; you didn't listen to or execute the advice you received. If you never wrote before, you probably won't be able to change the situation; because you don't have a job, and your parents won't let you move home. Your in-laws like bossing you around like a servant; because you're so timid, and won't stand-up to anyone. You'll just whine and complain. You'll argue and nag at your husband; but he ignores you, because he knows you have no choice but to stay.
When you're in a bad-marriage with no hope it will improve; you have to get a divorce. If you don't work, you can't make many choices. From what you've indicated; your parents would sooner see you homeless in the streets, before accepting you as a divorced and single-mother. To western cultures, that would seem cold-blooded; but you know that's just how it goes. A wife is submissive and obedient to her husband; unless she is a wealthy heiress, and then she calls all the shots. Strong-willed women like your mother-in-law do just fine. Nobody pushes them around.
Get a backbone and stand-up to your mother-in-law yourself. She's nothing but a woman. All she really has to her advantage is the fact you're scared of her; so she bullies you. You don't have a job; so you're financially-dependent on his family. They put a roof over your head. He won't bother working to get a home of his own; because the whole set-up is perfect for him. He can do whatever he likes; while his mother keeps you inline.
I recall in similar posts, the OP says her husband was nice to her when he wanted money to pay his gambling debts; or he wanted to go out to drink. It's a weird coincidence your post seems so much the same.
Get a job. Save your money, get a lawyer, and seek a divorce. There is no other advice that will change your circumstances; when old-tradition and your culture works in your husband's favor. Your own parents will not offer you their support. So it is all up to you.
Other Chinese women get divorces; they move on to support themselves and their children. So can you. We can't offer you an easy solution. Nobody can change your husband, your culture, or make either of you love each other. It is what it is. You've gotten yourself a lover, and your husband says he doesn't care.
Until you earn your own income; you are his wife, and you'll live with his bullying mother. If you won't stand-up to her, you'll be miserable. She's as human as you are, you're just afraid of her. You'll get tired of being a coward. People tend to change when necessity dictates that you have to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Get yourself a job, get an income so you CAN support yourself and your son, JUST in case your parents won't help you get back on your feet.
YOUR priority should be your son and creating a healthy and stable environment for him to grow up in.
TALK to your family. Maybe they will be more understanding than you think, and if they aren't well then you NEED to be able to RELY on yourself.
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