A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Iv been with my boyfriend for 2 years now...we were friends for much longer. While everything is fine with us, and there is no "relationship" problem, the only thing that bothers me about him is alcohol.Its not that he's an alcoholic or anything, he's a social drinker and liked the odd couple of drinks after a hard day. I tried to be fine with it in the beginning...but I cant take it anymore. I have a serious aversion to alcohol because Iv seen many people, some in my own family, becoming a slave to drink. I cant understand the need to even touch it and Iv told him many times to PLEASE give it up because it just makes me paranoid and I feel I'l burst with anger and frustration if I hear that he's had a drink.Its been 2 months since he hasn't touched alcohol because of me, but he told me today that he really wants to have a few drinks once in a while because....well no reason...he just wants to. He always used to go to the bar but he now says that instead of sitting at a bar and whiling away time, he's just going to keep some at home, and have a drink at the end of the day, maybe 2-3 times a month.I dont know if this is reasonable or unreasonable...he knows I hate it yet he wants to do it. Iv tried so hard to explain to him that the thought of seeing him drink makes me feel like I cant breathe...I have serious panic attacks, but he thinks I have a mental block that I need to get around.My question is : Is alcohol really a deal breaker in a relationship or am I making too big a deal out of it?
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female
reader, xmsurocks  +, writes (24 July 2011):
I know exactly how you feel. I almost could have written this post for myself. I also asked my boyfriend to stop drinking for a couple months because I just couldn't handle it. I knew it was unfair and I knew I was overreacting but it was literally the only way I could get any relief. He's allowed to drink now, and he really only does it a couple of times a month. We have an agreement that he will never get to the point where he's extremely drunk. Even so, every time he goes out it ruins my entire night. All I think about is him acting like an idiot or doing stupid things. I know I overthink but I can't help it. I've wondered if this is because I have a slight anxiety disorder. Did you ever talk to a counselor about your problem?
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (31 January 2011):
Hi OPObviously your past experiences are informing how you react to alcohol now, and I am really sorry that it has caused you so much pain in the past.I think you may be making too much of a big deal out of this, however. From your bf's point of view he isn't doing anything wrong by having a drink, and it sounds like he has already cut down. He has obviously made a big compromise for you. I don't think he is being unreasonable at all. I think you need to compromise a bit for him as well. Beyond that, to be honest I think maybe you need to address your fear of the effects of alcohol, and maybe get some counselling. If you are suffering from panic attacks when you think about your bf drinking then that is a problem that you need to deal with yourself. That is not a normal or healthy reaction, and simply pushing it away by stopping your bf drinking is not going to solve things. It is just hiding it away for now. By stopping your bf drinking in order that you don't have panic attacks, etc, you are putting all the responsibility for these problems onto your bf, and that is not fair. It's not right that he should become the focus of blame for these when the real cause for them are problems that happened in your past. They are not his problems to deal with, only you can try and solve them. I think you need to address your attitude towards alcohol to help you get over your bad experiences. Maybe pop into see your GP and see if they have some counselling options, because at the moment it looks like the problem could be having a serious effect on your life.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): There is nothing wrong with the occasional drink. Your boyfriend has adapted to your request, so I would say that a few drinks is fine. Many people drink without it being a problem.
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A
female
reader, girllovenguy +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I may not be any help but girl let me tell ya. my bf was like that in the begining just one or two here and there then it was three or four then honey just one more please.Then it was everyday all day.. Not everyone is like that some can take it or leave it. If you feel like you have a real go with this man let him have 1 or 2 BUT... if you see that he wants more than that put your foot down.. if that dont work get out your just wasting your time..I found out after he broke my nose twice, broke 8 of my ribs.. and worst of all beat me while i was 5 months pregnant with twins. They would be 22 this year. It all comes down to being your call " Can he handle 1 or 2 "?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): alcohol would only be a deal breaker in your relationship if he was abusing it, my father is an alcoholic, a terrible one, he cant got 3 hours without a can of beer, even during the night, and thats why my mother divorced him, because he wouldnt stop but he'd turn into a terrible drunk, anger, lashing out, all that sort of stuff. I really dont think that this should be a deal breaker in your relationship, ive learnt that even though ive had alcohol problems in my family i shouldn't put it on to other people or push them to stop drinking, because not everyone will be like the alcoholics that you know.Your boyfriend really loves you and he respects your opinion because he has cut down, but you cant stop someone from doing what they want to, so you have to respect him because he's trying to make you happy but at the same time you have to compromise so hes also happy,because you dont want your relationship going downhill because you will not let him have a drink.I think he is right when he says you have a " mental block" its because you have seen so many people become a slave to drink that you think every person close to you who does drink on occasions wil become like that, and i can assure you that is not the case, maybe if you went to a doctor or some sort of theraputic sessions just so you can get over all the anxiety and panic attacks.My main advice would to be let your boyfriend drink on occasions, he has cut down for you, he should be allowed a little bit of freedom and you really don't want him to go behind your back and drink instead, so come to an agreement with himi hope this helpsgood luck!
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male
reader, Ldu  +, writes (31 January 2011):
From what your saying I feel you shoulkd cut your man some slack. It doesn't seem like he's abusive when he drinks, or that he's embarassing you or that he's an alcoholic. There is seriously nothing wrong with a few drinks every now and then.
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