A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is having 12-15 women as sexual partners considered promiscuous for the average man?Would that many partners be a deal breaker for you? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Nancy50  +, writes (2 August 2017):
 OMG! I have had 26 before my husband (I got married at 40)I never thought it was promiscuous.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2017):
 Is it possible that he was with women whom he couldn't make climax?
Yes. Many women don't climax from penetrative sex and some rarely climax for whatever reason. (except masturbation)
Maybe he wasn't as great of a lover back then, maybe he has LEARNED over the years and partners HOW to really please a woman. Maybe physically you two just "fit" really well.
IS it possible for a man (or woman) to be faithful without sex in a marriage? ABSOLUTELY.
My husband of almost 20 years had a heart attack and surgery 4 years ago. He is now on MANY MANY meds that make an erection almost impossible to sustain for long (or rather for long enough to make use of it, so to speak). Blood thinners are the worst. Adding that his testosterone has dropped as well making his libido from 100 mph to 0.... So intercourse is kind of off the menu. There are of course other ways to be intimate and we take advantage of that, occasionally. My health is fine, I am fit and I'm NOT cheating or considering cheating. So yes... it's possible to BE married and BE faithful and NOT have sex.
BEING faithful is a CHOICE people make. Doesn't matter if you are male or female. Whether you like sex or not.
He might have been with his wife for other reasons and stayed for other reason than physical pleasure.
While I applaud you for not being naive and believing everything... You seem to question EVERYTHING he says. And that seems detrimental towards trust.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): 700, 200, 300
Makes no difference to me!
Orgasm orgasm away!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Lucky old you finding a man that makes you orgasm.
You're bonkers woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): OP again.
He also mentioned that he went through a dry spell with his wife. He did not say why but did say he did not have sex with her for about 10 years and he remained faithful to her during that time. My question is how could a man who obviously loves sex so much and has had many partners and women in his social circles refrain from having sex at all under those circumstances??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Great answers. Thank you. It's the OP again.
I want to add a few things.
He has also told me that the women he has been with never liked sex, including his wife.
That he could not make them climax the way he makes me climax. I reach orgasm multiple times. He said he was never able to do that to other women.
So, my question is, how can a man be with that many women and most of them or all did not like sex, #1. And #2 how is it possible with that high number, he was not able to make any of them orgasm like me????
Is this odd to anyone else?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 July 2017):
 Before addressing the OP, I feel nerdy correcting a Bible trivia, but Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Yes, I know it's about as unimportant as whether or not the Millenium Falcon made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, but humor me!
Now, OP, this has everything to do with YOUR sexual values and more to the point, YOUR insecurity. The guy's in his 60's and had 12-15 partners? I wouldn't call him promiscuous! He probably can't hardly remember back 40 years ago! You're not better than he is having had only one partner, and he didn't do anything inappropriate with the woman who got drunk and made a pass at him.
You also made the idea of "Partner" to be extremely wide, as in if he touched a woman's breast or made out with her without sex, you count it. Sorry, but if you have to get THAT detailed about someone's history, then you should not date, because every guy you meet in your age bracket is going to have had a history.
Personally, I think in this case, you are being unreasonable and judgmental, and you're talking yourself out of what could be a good relationship.
Let me put it to you another way:
Wouldn't YOU get pissed if he were to judge you on the fact that you are divorced, rather than his status of Widowed?? Some people wouldn't care how many sexual partners you had or didn't have, but that they would judge that you threw your vows out the window while he demonstrated the ability of sticking it out "Til death do you part". Some could say that having divorced a guy, you would be more apt to cheat or always be looking for the back door in a relationship or have a guy on reserve.
YOU know full well that things are a lot more complicated than that. I grew up religious, where divorced people were judged harshly even if there was cheating involved. Anyone can judge, and anyone can find fault.
For the record, *I* don't judge you. I'd drop a cheating husband in a heartbeat! I'm just stating an example of how unreasonable it can be to judge.
As for his fingering someone at age 12, he was honest with you. People start experimenting at different times. I would have grounded my son until he was 40 if I'd heard he fingered a girl when he was 12. At that age and lack of knowledge, I'm sure it was more of a "I'll show you mine, and you show me yours" type of thing.
Nothing you've said would have me thinking red flag about this guy. However, I'm more nervous about you, OP. You can't make a new partner pay for the sins of an old one. You can't control a new partner based on your history with a past partner. You mention the total of women. Your ex-husband who cheated on you - before you, did he have any other partners? Have you gotten over what he did to you? If the answer is "NO", then you shouldn't be dating.
You can't insulate yourself from potential hurt. Love is not without risks. You can't control a guy or project your own insecurities on him or expect him to constantly reassure you, because that will destroy your relationship before it even gets off the ground. If I were you, I'd stop asking for details of his past sex life right now, because none of it will help you. Don't bring up past people into your present relationship, whether it's your ex-husband, or any of his ex-partners, or his dead wife. Everyone is different.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): I would question this 12-15 sexual conquests. Now I'm no Einstein, but I could give a number of exactly how many personages I've had sex with especially if it is 12, 13, 14 or 15. It just sounds like he has no regard for the few woman he had sex with. I say few because I've met a lot of men who have had far more woman then this one, so when a man says "about 100" I can understand the round up! But even then, the man should have some respect for who he's joined with and remember the wo men he's entered! But this man can't even say how many when there are apparently so few (yes sister, many men have a lot of sex with a lot of people, so this is tiny compared to a lot of men and perhaps even this man you've hooked up with.)Can he count his fingers and toes? I'm guessing yes! But the idiot can't count how many woman he's bonked.Dear me! Says a lot about the man I think.In the Bible, Solomon apparently had 700 wives and 200 concubines, it doesn't say 652 - 700 wives or 183 - 200 concubines.So there you go. I think you should figure this out for yourself.It's not rocket science.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2017):
You feel how you feel. Nothing wrong in that. But I do think it IS wrong to judge him because he has had more partners than you. Like I said in my initial post, SO WHAT?
I don't think a guy who has had more partners than 1 automatically and constantly want to try out new women. And let's do the math - he is 63 started sexual activity at age 12. That is 51!!! years of sexual activity. So 10-15 partners is not really a lot. Not for someone who is very open a free thinking when it comes to sex.
As for the woman who hit on him at the camping trip - yes I can see him enjoying the company (no sex) with a woman that isn't his wife, but I can also see him saying NO when she wanted more than just talking/company. Why the need to lie? As for the librarian - don't know the woman but I Do know that SOME people become more brazen when in groups and alcohol is present. Again, doesn't mean he encouraged her to grab his crotch. That sounds like people who would blame a woman in short skirt for getting groped.
Now he may have told you that story to make himself seem attractive, irresistible. So it was a little akin to bragging.
I do think, that if the "number" is SUCH a big deal for you, it will keep grating on you. However, good luck in finding someone who is a good match IN and OUT of the bedroom with a lower number these days.
I think you have fixated on the number of partners for all the wrong reasons. You presume that ALL people who have had more partners than you are all unable to control their urges.
While I don't get the whole "swinger" thing either I don't really care what other CONSENTING adults choose to do. It doesn't affect me one bit. Live and let live.
I say judge a person for their deeds, actions, values, morals, and standards. If they mesh with YOUR own I don't see the problem. If they don't... then don't date him.
This is WHO he is and that is the # of partners he has had...If you can't handle it, don't date him. That easy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Your age-group is between 41-50. If he is in that age-group and you are spreading that number from adolescence to the present, that's pretty common. Most numbers are exaggerated anyway. Sometimes it wasn't intercourse, it may have only been oral-sex.
Does the number of sex partners over the course of a life-time for a middle-aged man really have much to do with the price of tea in China? One partner outside of marriage is considered promiscuous according to some religious doctrines and theocratic societies. So I guess it all depends!
There are more important things to take into account about men. Is he disease free? Does he have solid character, and treat you with love and respect? Is he faithful to you? Does he have a decent job? Is he an upstanding citizen? Does he have a jail record?
How many sex partners he had over a lifetime doesn't really tell you anything about him. He likes sex, he's attractive to people, and he could have changed his ways since those times. Promiscuity like beauty, is totally subjective.
I could have only one or two sex-partners and claim I had 50! How would I prove it one way or the other? He may have had more, or less! Most people lose count past 5.
If that is an issue for you; perhaps you should make your own judgement about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Short answer for me is no. The deal breaker for me would be if he had one or more of those partners while he was with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): Hi. It's the OP. Thank you all for your answers.My boyfriend is 63. He is a very charming, nice man and we get along well. We have wonderful sex. I have known him a year through mutual friends, dating 8 months. I am divorced and he is widowed. We got to talking the other day and I asked him how many sex partners he has had. I asked him to include any woman he had sexual contact with, even just oral sex. In or out of a relationship. I guess the numbers hit me as high because he is only my second sexual partner outside my ex husband. So my numbers are very low in comparison. I worry that he might be the cheating type down the road or a womanizer if he has had so many sexual encounters. I worry he might love sex so much that he would betray me for another conquest should one become available. I am not sure if this is a rational thought or not. My ex husband cheated on me and this ended our marriage. I do not want to have this scenario repeat itself with this man or any man.I am much more conservative than he is. He was a teen in the 60s and I was born in the late 60s. I hear it was an era of "free love" and maybe in that decade they grew up with more liberal values about sex? I don't know. I was just born. But he seems to be more open that way than I am. He sees nothing wrong with swingers although I find their lifestyle absolutely disgusting. He has never been involved in swinging but has no problem with others doing it whereas I am more judgmental and think these people are gross. I asked him what if I had 50 sexual partners, would you think less of me? He said NO. It was in the past and has nothing to do with me now and nothing to do with our relationship. WOW! You see? He seems to have no issues whereas I would think that 50 men would be a lot of partners for a woman. Or even a man.Go figure, with my one partner before him, and his greater experience with 12-15 women, he said I am the best sexual partner he has ever had and the sex we have is the best he has ever experienced. Even with my lack of partners. I suppose my passion and enthusiasm goes a long way. Lol I equate more partners with a man's increased ability to be unfaithful. Right or wrong?He has told me that my lack of partners could have the same affect. Because I have so little experience, I could be curious about what is out there or want to make up for lost time.My boyfriend said he went on a camping trip years back while still married. It was with the guys but one of them brought a female along, hoping to couple up with her. It so happened that she was attracted to my boyfriend instead. My BF told me one night after everybody went to sleep, she stayed up with him drinking. He said they both got drunk and she made a pass at him. He said he turned her down although I am not sure I believe him. So, it also bothers me that there he was, a MARRIED MAN, at the time and he blurred the boundaries of proper behaviour while in the presence of another female. Obviously he made her feel comfortable enough to hit on him under those circumstances. Another situation he told me about was that he worked with librarians at one time. There was a conference in another town and he attended. After the conference, they all met up for drinks and one of them got so close to him that she put her hands down his pants! They were all joking around and somehow she felt brazen enough to pull something like that. Now, apparently it was in the presence of other librarians and other guys who worked in the libraries but still, she did it. And why? Do you not think she was encouraged by HIM? How would any woman get close enough to a man or have the courage to do such a thing without any encouragement?He also told me his first sexual encounter was when he was 12 years old!? He fingered another girl. Hmmmm.So, these incidents along with his number of sexual partners has made me question his integrity.What do you think?Am I being unreasonable here?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 How old is this man? If you are talking a 20 year old, then yes, that number of sexual partners would ring alarm bells. If you are talking someone double that age or older, then not necessarily.
What was the context of the "relationships"? Did he have sex within the parameters of relationships, or were these casual one night stands? That knowledge would be more relevant to me than mere numbers.
Whatever the case, I would be thinking STD test before unprotected sex.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 First of all, you should not know to this extent each-others past, It puts the mind going in all directions and many people are not able to handle that information, I am now 53 and have had only 1 and she is my wife, My WIFE has had more and was raped not long before I found her, the rape was the one that hurt me, even though it happened before I met her, not that I looked on her as dirty, I did not, but felt bad that someone could hurt her like that and get away with it and as well her family put it under the mat and would not report it to the police,We dated for five years and in that time we never once had sex, After our wedding, the rape still used to come back to haunt her, When we came together having sex she used to get to a point and then push me away and as she was a woman that used to break horses it was like being kicked by an ass, used to come out of nowhere no warning just have to get away, That went on for a long time and got no help getting over it just had to work things out for our selves, how I look on things today, If I was sexually active before I met her I might not have put in the same effort in helping her through this and missed out on the best woman anyone could have, I would be a lot happier if she had 12/15 one night stands or even if she had any type consenting sex with any amount of men than to have being left with the scar she was left with, I think his number is not important and I would look at it from the point, that he had all these relationships before he found the right one, It is better to be a mans last woman then to be his first wife, as if there is a number on it you have lost out, I say jokingly to my wife that she is my first wife and she would say as long as I am your last it all that matters, I agree with the other aunt when she said "I think when you hit the 40+ the number just seems irrelevant. I think there are other things that are WAY more important as criteria for dating someone or not.If you can get past this and what is exactable for me and what is for you are two different things try to make any thing of the past stay in the past and don't ask about things that you might not be able to deal with, on sites like this we get men asking the same question and some even ask their girl "am I your biggest" funny the things that can upset what could be a great relationship. IF THIS IS THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS MAN YOU ARE ONE LUCKY WOMAN !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 July 2017):
It has more to do with matching values and principles on sexuality and less to do with a hardline number.
For example -- to a woman who has slept with 50 men in her sexual history, a man who has had 15 sexual partners is not promiscuous at all, but a sign of being free sexually.
On the other hand, to a religious girl who has remained a virgin before marriage and is seeking a man with the same values toward his own sexuality, 15 seems promiscuous.
Like Honeypie said -- the nature of the sexual encounters comes into play as well. In a game of "Would you rather":
WOULD YOU RATHER:
1. Be with a guy who slept with 20 women casually, or 5 married women?
2. Be with a guy with 2 sexual partners, yet they were both Friends with benefits and no-strings attached, or a guy with 5 sexual partners, but they were all committed relationships?
3. Be with a guy who slept with 10 women honorably, or 2 women with the second woman being the Other Woman while he was cheating on his first woman, and they had had sex at the same time?
4. A man who had 12 One night stands or a man who paid for 4 prostitutes to service him at different times in his life??
See what I mean? Honeypie was right. The number doesn't mean so much. Compatibility is the bigger issue.
There was one guy on a site I read (I can't remember if it was on here or another site) who had claimed to have slept with over 100 women since his teenage years on a casual basis, yet freaked out and had an issue with retrograde jealousy when he found out that the first woman he became serious with had slept with 75+ other guys in her life. The difference for him was that he had learned that she had had a job as a high-paid escort. The numbers would say that he was a raging hypocrite, but his issue was that she was a sex worker in her past.
You have to decide for yourself if his sexuality is compatible with your own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2017):
Who cares about that number?
It's not like you HAVE to share that with anyone. If a guy you are dating asks, why not simply tell him that you have HAD sexual partners but are not interested in rehashing the past.
That goes for your partners as well.
If the guy in question is mid-40's and have been sexually active for 30 years is 12-15 a lot? or not?
For me, the number isn't the big deal when considering someone as a partner. It all comes down (IMHO) how they VIEW values, morals, and standards. Is the guy and I on the same page there.
You could meet a guy who has had 5 partners - but let's say for argument's sake that ALL those partners were married women... Or he had a much bigger number and they were mostly prostitutes or ONS... Does that make a bigger difference than having had 12-15 partners (some who were partners, maybe some FWB or ONS in there)...
Would I consider a person (man or woman) promiscuous with 12-15 past partners? Not really. I have had 4 and I am fine with that. My husband? Definitely over 15.
I think when you hit the 40+ the number just seems irrelevant. I think there are other things that are WAY more important as criteria for dating someone or not.
YOU have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If it's even important in the bigger picture.
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