A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 12-year-old son has autism.Both my sisters recently got dogs. They are small breeds.My sisters and their husbands KNOW that my son is TERRIFIED of dogs yet still bring them to family functions and gatherings fully knowing that my son has a difficult time with dogs in his presence. Fear is not a rational thing and although we hope to resolve this, we have accepted that our son is deathly afraid of dogs and keep him away from them.It bothers us that our family members won't choose to leave their dogs at home for a few hours rather than subject our son, their nephew and God child, to their own selfish behaviour.We have resorted to not attending family functions anymore because the dogs are now always present. Any parent would understand that no child should ever have to be placed in a situation where they are terrified or uncomfortable. My son has to endure many challenges. I should not have to further worry about a safe environment. If the shoe was on the other foot, they would be undoubtedly be livid and would not hesitate to express their anger at us if we brought a dog into their home or at family gatherings knowing THEIR child was terrified of dogs. But for some reason, they expect us to suck it up!!??I don't think I am being too sensitive or over reacting. I would appreciate some outside views on this and ways to handle it.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Look-up Hope Unleashed:
www.projecthopesc.org/hope-unleashed/
There may be a branch in your area.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): I understand your feelings. Unfortunately, if your son is out in public, it is likely that he may randomly encounter a dog. They're everywhere. There are also special anxiety-pets that people keep with them; or seeing-eye dogs that people can't put-away for the sake of your son's fears. They also travel on planes, and public transportation.
By this logic, your family members do not feel that they should be restricted from bringing their pets who are welcomed by the party hosts. If you know it is an outside event, and pets will be present; you can also make the choice not to bring your son.
If he attends a therapy-group, this may be one of those issues you might want to address. Hopefully he can overcome the fear; because children his age are known to wander off. If he has an exceptionally intense fear, then he needs to get that under control. His fear could cause panic and he could hurt himself unnecessarily.
Your own panic and overreaction to his fear will only make his fear-response even worse; because you reinforce his unfounded assumption they will do him harm. He can be taught to recognize a dog's aggression. Not just fear them on sight.
Children take emotional cues from their parents. For example; if the parent shows anxiety at the pediatrician about needles, the child's fear doubles!
Look up "Project Hope," they offer a desensitizing program to modify the fear-response of autistic children to their fear of dogs. You can be taught how to do it yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Both your sisters recently got dogs and they bring them to family events knowing your autistic son is terrified. I'm sorry, but I cannot help but wonder if these insensitive sisters of yours bring the dogs to prevent you and your autistic child from attending the event. I hope I'm wrong on that.It seems selfish to me that they cannot leave their dogs at home, really really selfish. I cannot imagine how difficult it can be to raise an autistic child. Those sisters could have some compassion for your situation. If you were my sister, I would help you out with your son during the family events. I'm sure you could use a break now and then. Good luck. I hope things work out.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 Just keep on not going to family gatherings then. Or have you tried speaking to your sisters without atracking them? I am sure, with a calm conversation, that you would be able to agree on som gatherings without dogs attending. Other than an agreement, you can not demand that dogs are not allowed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): UGH.........People bring their dogs everywhere when they should be left at home.No people may never ever bring their dog to my house....I do not want dog poop in my yard....do not want puke in my house....do not want your dogs dander which gives my son terrible breathing problems in my home.I do not want your dogs to scare my elderly cats.I do not have a dog for many good reasons so why do people think they can impose this way?I do not bring my cat to their house....or the grocery store or the movies why do people think they can bring dogs to places like this bogles the mind. Your son is afraid of dogs.Why would his aunt's terrioze him this way? It is just selfish of them and it just shows you how little they care about their nephew.I would have stopped going to family events too.Just keep putting your son first that is good parenting.You are right...they are selfish putting a dog ahead of a human. Some people just blow my mind with their actions...they just lack basic common sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): What makes this situation different is your son is diagnosed as having autism, so if I were you I would be feeling as annoyed and I'd probably end up being quite angry about it. You're right, fears and phobias are irrational yet when it comes to a fear of dogs I've seen lots of people just say "well my dog is friendly and if you just let him/her spend more time around dogs they'll get over it". No one would say to someone deathly afraid of spiders to just go and spend time with some more spiders.... Add in the common traits that surround people with autism and a phobia can be magnified to panic inducing levels. Now my own dog is my life, I love him dearly and take him everywhere I can. But I am equally understanding that not everyone is comfortable with dogs. Your family should have autism explained to them, and that depending on the individual often a fear for someone with autism is enough to set off complete meltdowns and could trigger anxiety for months, around new dogs and whenever they think about the situation. At family gatherings it is not unreasonable that they leave their dogs for 3-4hours, if it is going to be longer than that then they can leave early or make arrangements for the dog to be with a friend. It is MUCH more important that your son has the chance to socialise with family than their dogs do and that's that. I would say if they want to meet up with their dogs then that is arranged separately but that you are not limiting the opportunities for your son to socialise, when it is something so important to his continued development that he is able to learn social norms through family and build trusting relationships - he simply cannot do this around dogs. I'm not sure how 'far on the spectrum' your son is with his autism, so perhaps for your family his diagnosis isn't all that obvious and the just think he's a little 'different'. Regardless of whether it's all rather mild traits or very obvious your family do need to put the needs of a young boy before their own need to have their pet with them and I would be setting them straight. Then again I am very passionate about people recognising and treating people with autism fairly as I spent years working with children and young people on the autism spectrum. So I'd see your families attitude as a common attitude that lots of society have regarding autism, which is often lack of understanding or recognition and so education them to respect not only your son, but the needs of other people out there similar to your son is the first step to creating wider change. I would tell them, if my own family cannot accept my sons differences then what on earth is life going to be like for him with people who aren't his relatives! You want and need their support, because it will make all the difference as he grows into adulthood.
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reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 Therapy for autism now use dogs and horses to help people with this handicap, Your family members just don't understand the challenges of autism and they should be more understanding about this,
Did you ever come across the book by DR Temple Grandin, She was written off as a brain-damaged child because of her autism, Temple Grandin’s remarkable way of looking at the world has shown farmers how to handle their livestock, and many farmers look up to her with her insight to how cattle see the world
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 I am sorry to hear about your son's issues. As his mother, his well-being, safety and happiness are understandably your top priority. However, I think you need to consider that they will not be EVERYONE's top priority, even if they are family members. Nobody else is his parent. Everyone has different priorities.
Selfish as it seems to you that your relations bring their dogs to the parties, people do view and treat their pets as family members (which makes for the pets having a much better quality of life than if they are just "left at home" most of the time). Perhaps, to them, being asked to leave their dogs at home is as unreasonable as you being asked to leave your son at home. (I have friends who refuse to attend parties and functions where they cannot take their dogs.)
As you say, fear is an irrational thing and, if you don't suffer from it, it is often difficult to empathize how crippling it can be, especially when the fear relates to a small fluffy doggie which others view as cute and non-threatening. Also, if the dogs have not been with their new owners for long, the owners may be loath to leave them at home on their own for safety reasons.
I wonder, would it be possible to negotiate with your sisters on this one? Perhaps they can bring the dogs to alternate parties? Or could you agree going at different times so that your son can attend but does not need to be fearful while there? Or could they keep the dogs on leashes on their laps while your son is around? (As they are small breeds, this should not cause a problem, but not sure how bad your son's fear is and whether it would help?)
Unfortunately for you and your son, dogs are something he is going to have to meet frequently, not just at these family gatherings. I am no expect on this sort of fear but wonder (as a lay person) whether your sisters' small dogs (if they are good natured and calm) could be a starting point to attempt to help your son over his fear? For instance, how far away from a dog does he need to be to feel safe? Could you slowly decrease that distance at the parties? Sorry if this is not something which would work. Just thinking out loud and thinking how sad it is for your son to be so afraid. I hope you find a way of helping him with his fears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): I'm hoping there is a way to resolve this fear of your son's. Is there any therapy or counseling that might be effective?
I have mild autism, but I have never been scared of dogs,I always loved them! Even dogs that most people consider "scary." My little cocker spaniel was my best friend (a small breed)... then we had a Shepherd/doberman mix, then a shepherd/Rottweiler mix. All very sweet dogs.
Perhaps being around a gentle dog in a controlled situation would help assuage his fear, but I could be wrong. I think therapy or counselling would help. Your family members just don't understand the challenges of autism and they should be more understanding about this.
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