A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If he has a bad credit and no job should this be an automatic dump my boyfriend prompter? I have been dating my current boyfriend for 10 mths. Everything seem great. When I met him, he had a business he was working on and was also a correctional officer. His father died and he had to go back overseas for 3 month. He is back now and with no job. We have both been looking for a job for him most especially in my location since he has finally decided to be the one that moves in this long distance relationship. Up until now we have found no job. I have been the one paying for the airfare trips but he manages to still take pay the bills when we go out on dates. Since the 10 mths I have spent over $2000 on borrowing or giving him money. This is not normal for me. I am doing it cos' I believe he needs help.Tonight I checked both of our credit reports. I am 770 he is 480 (very poor) Now eyebrows raises. I am stunned. This is the guy I want to marry. I happen to be the girl that met him when he is financial difficulties because the people that knew him back then tells me he is loaded. I dont know how much I can take. It is taking a toll on our relationship. Even if he gets his correctional officer job back he is only making 33,000 a yr and I am making 90,000. I am just scared. I have never been married before but research shows finances is one of the 3 reasons marraiges dont last.I dont know where he is going to start from to bring his finances together. He has got all these debts due to the 5 credit cards he owns. I only own 2. Is this a compatibility issue?Is a good man worth cutting off for his financial lackings? What do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,I am taking every bit of advice into consideration as I have already been doing before. My biggest fear is that I will have so much patience and this guy will end up being one of those guys that sees me as a security blanket. I always have this issue of trusting people all the way as if they will be good to me but at the end will hurt me so every bit of me is fighting this negativity.Another thing is the feeling of having boyfriends that have never been able to pamper me. I have always made more than my boyfriends hence the reason why I travel and do everything that I like to do. Why cant I meet someone who can provide for me this way. I see girls that have not worked as hard as me enjoying the company of a rich man and here I am always stuck with someone who is managing finances.
A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (26 April 2011):
Well! It wasn't for nothing that they put into the marriage vow "for richer or for poorer" -- just be glad you have health rather than sickness!
I agree with the Cerberus_Raphael & would say that you should just for a moment take money out of the equation & see what you have. Do you have a lot in common, do you get along? Do you agree about how to squeeze the toothpaste container? In our current market situation and financial crisis, anything can happen. He could be the one with the higher salary eventually. I have a girlfriend who went out and bought her potential finance some new suits and helped him get a raise at her own company. down the road, a happy marriage- voila! And years later, he does have a higher salary than her!
If his morals are intact and he loves you truly, give him more time, I would say. Manya
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 I guess the big question for me is "is he really doing everything he can to find a job?"
If the answer is yes, then i think you should continue to give him a chance. These are tough economic times.
You may also want to look at different transportation methods. It sounds like this is a long distance relationship. How long is the distance? Could he possibly take the bus instead of flying? That would probably cut down on the cost of travel.
The credit card issue is a scary one. 5 credit cards? Really? Could you possibly look into consolidating that debt? My wife, when i first met her, was in some dire financial straits. Huge debt with multiple credit cards. What we did was got a line of credit from the bank and used that to pay off all of the credit cards. Then we had one debt that we had to focus on paying off, each month.
It did make life easier, and we actually got a pretty good interest rate from the bank.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 You can keep the man, but you must not make his finances into your finances. Which you currently are doing. You need to stop being his sugar mommy. He is a big boy, he must help himself. Of course you're not to be mean, but can you afford taking care of him? Can you afford paying his bills and debt? Would you rather place that extra money in a savings account for your future family life? Maybe to buy a house, college education for future children and so on? Because right now that money is flying out the window and your boyfriend is getting a free ride, with no commitment. He is not your husband, you are not legally tied to him, and once he starts to earn his own money he might take off and leave you with dept you have gathered because of him!
Don't lend him money. Talk to him and say that you thought it would be temporarily, but now that it takes so long time for him to find a job you see that you can not risk your financial stability any longer. You would still like to be his girlfriend, and support him in finding a job, but you can not afford to pay his way.
You are not doing him a favour by paying his way you know. You only remove the need to actually find a job. He needs to come up with his own solutions to his own problems, or else the relationship will never work. You are not his mother, you are his girlfriend. Respect that boundary and your relationship will go much better. Financial difficulties end relationships when you start to make his problems your problems! So stop that.
As for getting married, I would advice you to not marry him unless he proves to be financially stable, and gets his dept fixed. Or else you will be marrying into dept. It is not a question of love, but a question of being smart and intelligent and foreseeing. And if you do get married, keep an eye on your finances together, because then his economy will be your economy, and vise versa. But as of now, his economy is not your economy!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 That depends on why you are with him. If you are with him because he is in fact a good man, do you want to break up with him because of this?
Finance is indeed one reason why most couples split. Mostly because they allow it to. Finance tends to cause an enormous amount of stress in a couple's life and usually, it results in an often ugly separation because neither one really knows how to deal with it but really it is no one's fault, if they are both trying their hardest, who can blame them for being so irritable?
Do you really want to let him go and find someone else who has a more stable financial situation? It would be understandable, after all, everyone dreams of a life where money isn't an issue. Just how good is this man as a boyfriend?
In my own opinion, if he is good to you, if he tries his best, he deserves a chance. People suffer financial losses at some point but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever and no one can ever hope to predict what the future will hold for them be it an abundance in opportunity or a condemnation into poverty. You cannot rely on what research says to tell you what your relationship with him will be like. Because the fact of the matter is, finance does break most marriages, but not ALL of them. If a couple is strong, if they love each other deeply, they will strive through it together as a couple should, through all problems. Money comes and goes, there will always be ways to find it, but a good partner is hard to come by these days. So just how good is he as a boyfriend? How hard is he trying to make things right? I doubt he loves being the leech upon you.
Talk to him about it at least and make plans or try and improve on plans you already have, take everything into account and leave nothing out of the equation, if you haven't already, try writing yourselves a budget, that may help. Get rid of what you can, get rid of those credit cards and focus on paying that debt off. He needs to keep searching for a job and you both need to be patient. I know you are probably thinking that it is easier said than done, of course but you need to try, take a deep breath and relax so you can think clearly. Never let the stress get to your head. You obviously love him a lot if he is the one you want to marry. But marriage is about commitment and supporting each other through issues, no matter who those issues belong to.
I hope that helps.
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