A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd love your advice on my situation and on whether 8 months is too soon to feel like you want to settle down with someone, please.I've been with my bf 8 months now. We met through friends, both of us happily single and not looking for relationships at the time, and just got on really well with great chemistry...so we ended up seeing each other and things have been great:) At 3 months, he told me he loved me out of the blue, which was a nice surprise! At 5 months, he gave me a key to his apartment and told me to come and go as I please. At 6 months, we had a wobble when I found out he'd been sending explicit texts to a girl he used to flirt with a work, but we worked through it and he has regained my trust. We've been on a holiday together, and he had an operation 2 weeks ago, so all in all, we've been through quite a bit. Things are still great between us, and he's said he'd like me to move in with him by the end of this year. He's also told me he doesn't ever want to lose me, and that he has dreams of us settling down and having a family together one day. He's told me this numerous times, not just as 'pillow talk'. I look forward to seeing him when we meet up, I miss him when we're not together, but I'm comfortable with each of us having independence within our relationship.So, before I met him, I was someone who never thought about settling down. I had plans to travel, etc etc, and have never felt about previous bfs the way I do about him...which is to feel very happy when he says he wants us to settle down, live together, have a family some day. Previous bfs have said similar things and I've wanted to run a mile! So I'm happy, but feeling a bit vulnerable, like I have so much to lose if ever we split up.So my question is, is this what true love is? Am I in love? Is it too soon to feel like this about someone? Have any of you experienced this? If so, how did it turn out?Also, how do I keep this good thing going? I don't want to do anything to make things change for the worse.Thanks :)
View related questions:
flirt, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 First things first. 8 months is not too soon to be thinking about these things. 8 months I would say is too soon to actually get married, or actually have a baby. But thinking, and evaluating it, is by all means fine. That can happen at any stage of the relationship (although most likely in the period between the first months to the first two years).
Second thing: piece of advice, do not make a life changing decision until you're at least a year or more into a relationship. It takes about a year into a relationship to really get to know each other, and see how you interact. If things go well after a year, two years etc, then if you feel you want to make the next step do so.
Moving in together is a nice step to take that isn't life changing, but that still progresses the relationship. It also gives you a closer look and feel to what it'd be like to start a family together, or get married. Just remember that the rule of thumb is that any problem you have while in a relationship gets enlarged by 10 once married. The first 3 years of marriage is, from the reputation I've heard, also the most difficult ones. But if you hang in through all that, it will get easier.
Third thing: you don't know if you love this guy. Until you do, don't make any life changing decisions. No one can tell you if you love him or not. It is something you alone will feel. It is not something you can really list up either like "well if you think this and this and that, then you love him". It's not a check list. It's something you either do or don't. If you don't know, they you don't love him yet. It might happen, in time... who knows. But if it doesn't strike you like lighting from above one sudden day, then do not chose to marry him or have children. Don't love the idea of marriage and family with him more than the actual man. If you aren't sure of your feelings for him, no matter how nice he is... don't go there. It's still early, so just wait a bit.
I am curious to how you do not know the feeling of love though. Have you never told anyone that you love them? Think about what love means to you. Talk to your boyfriend about what love means to him. Then take the time needed to see if you feel it or not. Don't try to force yourself, but don't freak out if you're not there yet. Some people don't love easily, and it will just take time and trust.
A
female
reader, problem-hearer  +, writes (22 May 2011):
hi there, to be honest i think that you can fall in love at any stage in a relationship. by what you have said it does sound as if you ae in love. i have been with my parter for 4 years and i moved into his after 10 months and we both told each other we loved on another after about 3 months, because it felt so right.sometimes strange things happen and this is one of them, go for it, never hold back about the way that you feel. if you constantly do this you will never experience love, go for it and you will be surprised just how great it is.you say that if it doesnt work out you will loose alot but if you think about it, you will have all the great memory's.i know it can be scary but if you love this person go for it.i hope i have helped! good luck! xxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper  +, writes (22 May 2011):
I can relate to your situation. Basically the same exact story. I just got out of a long term relationship and I was not interested in the least bit in pursuing any relationship- I wasn't even interested in flirting with any woman. My now gf had a "no-date policy" and she stood by that with pure conviction. We met, immediately had chemistry and from there we really hit things off well. We are both still dumbfounded by how natural and true the relationship felt.I personally, and some will disagree, think that time is no factor. What matters is the experiances that you have together, how well you get along, how much you understand one another, and most importantly how much you trust one another. As you said, there was a situation where you caught him in the act of being unfaithful by communication innopropriatly with another woman. It sounds as if you talked about it, worked through it, and he has gained your trust once more- only you know this for sure though.If you feel that things are progressing well and that this guy may be someone you want to settle down with then I would suggest you communicate with him. Communication becomes the most important facet of any relationship. Talk with him, ask him what you are asking us, and see what his reactions are. The greatest suggestion I can give to you is this;Follow your heart and your intuition. Dont let the fears and doubts that we all naturally have break up something that can be truly beautiful. You and only you know how you feel about him. If he treats you well and shows you the love and respect that you deserve as a woman, a partner, and as a future wife/mother then dont hold back.Good luck! :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (22 May 2011):
It sounds like you are in love and nature is taking its course and you should just keep going.
It is quite common for people to move in with each other between the 9 month to 18 month marks.
Living together is the real test of how you get on and if you can do this, then you should be fine.
One thing I always say is key to a successful relationship is openess and honesty.
...............................
|
