A
male
age
41-50,
*ude
writes:My wife and I have been together for 6 yrs and married for almost 4. It was love at first sight, well at least it was for her because she fell in love with me when we met through work and I was still married (no affair, I never even knew about it until after I was divorced almost 2 yrs later). After my divorce I was pretty lonely and my ex took a lot out of me (bipolar, suicidal, off meds, etc) so of course the first woman to show me real affection definitely got my attention (I only dated 2 other girls before her). She was attractive, a little on the thick side which I like, and head over heals with me. As we dated I fell in love with her as well. For the most part the fact that we had few things in common didn't really matter because we enjoyed each others company. The only problem at that time was I was supposed to move back to my home state, so by choosing to stay here so didn't uproot her from her mom who she's close to, I really upset my family. Also, because the few friends I had she didn't care for, I ended up alienating them, which was my mistake I know. But I was happy and her friends were great, and her parents accepted me as their own so it was enough, at that time anyways.We lived together and had only a few issues with each other. I proposed to her one year later.During our engagement she had issues with my family, whom she felt were not cooperating enough, and ended up causing such a rift that it took me two years to repair. We got married and things started to turn... She started talking down to me, berating me in front of friends and family, talking about my family in very negative ways. I did everything for her, cooked cleaned, of which she did neither, but I refuse to live in filth so I took care of it. She gained a lot of weight, which didn't bother me then, but even after all that I loved her and made sure she knew that every day. She was never a bad person, just very vocal, and could be very sweet to me a lot of the time. Our son was born 2 years in and my wife started going post partum. She proposed that we move in with her family so that she could be close to her mom for a while, we can pay off bills, and our son can really get to know his grandparents. I should've said no, but I was worried about her so I convinced myself to do it. So we moved all three of us and all of our stuff into a tiny one bedroom, having to sell or put in storage what couldn't fit...worst mistake I ever made with the exception of my first wife. No privacy, her parents are boarders and although I love them both, they were hoarders and they were always fighting. She was still gaining weight, spending all our money on clothes, and still talking down to me, much more than ever. Our son slept with us so there was barely any sex at all, and only if i initiated it. And when we did we had to be quiet because it was a small house. Our vacations consisted of us going tonsee my family which she complained the entire time, and sitting around her parents house, which is all she wanted to do, even when i got reservations for a nice weekend getaway. She didnt want to leave our son so we never went. We were there for 2 years before I told her that if I didn't get out of there I was going to lose my mind. We fought about that, but eventually she got tired of her parents arguing so we moved...Unfortunately I think it was too late. I resent her because of all I gave up to be with her. I hated how she talked to me. I had no friends no family, I worked I came home I took care of our son I'd wait for her to go to sleep so I could have time for myself. I'm no longer attracted to her even though she's losing the weight. She touches me and I'm uncomfortable. She's trying to work on how she talks to me. I want to be in love with her again, I want to be attracted to her again, but I'm not. It bothers me. I want to have my relationship back, but Im still not happy. Unfortunately i met someone else. I wasn't looking for anyone, and I never wanted to cheat, but I was so lonely and unhappy that itjust happened. And as the cliche goes she is amazing, beautiful, she understands me, we have tons in common and I loved being with her. But I broke it off to work on my stuff. I want my marriage back, but I don't feel anything for her so I feel guilty. I want to be with the other girl, so I feel guilty. I'm working on us, but i can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't believe couples should stay together just for the sake of the kids, my parents are the example of that. But I want back what we had...and I'm just confused and all alone again...helpSorry about the novel...
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affair, divorce, fell in love, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Why don't you try e-mailing her and acting like you are a stranger. Tell her it's coming but then role play.
Just think of things she likes to do and act as though you don't know her and fire away. Here are some examples.
First of all, what does she like to do?
Cooking? "get to know me and you can help me with my buns"
Tennis? "care to see me underspin the ball?"
Swimming? "I can back stroke like nobody can"
Movies? "I'll be your ______ if you'll be my ________" (you fill in the blanks)
Running? "catch me if you can, I'm pretty and fast".
You get the idea right? Have fun!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Wow your story as touched me so much. Your relationship with this woman could never work, you gave up everything for her, you entire family and she was nasty about them. Blood is thicker then water and you do not deserve to be treated like this, I could never be with a man and make him give up his family for me, I would want him to still keep in touch and go see them regular. By doing this she as pushed you further and further away to the point where you don't want to be with her any more. I admire you for staying and trying to work things out with her, alot of men would of gone long ago and you haven't. You can still be there for your son if you and your wife split, best advice I can give you is you have tried, if you are going to leave your wife then do so properly without third parties involved, by the sounds of what you have said you have given it everything with nothing back from her. Maybe some time apart may bring back old feelings, I don't know, only you know what you want to do but do what is best for yourself and for your son. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): I went through a similar situation. In short, the thing that helped me the most was realizing that I was missing the ATTACHMENT...not the person so much. You become attached to people over many years, and it is hard to move on...no matter how bad the relationship was.
If you are thinking of things, events, places that made you feel close to your wife, then you are probably missing the attachment. If you miss her soul, smile, passion and friendship, you may be missing her. It is probably a littl eof both.
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