A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy from my softball team about six months ago, that's right around the time he got divorced. He's 15 years older than me and has been with his ex wife for about 20 years, they share children but they are fully grown and do not live in our city anymore (neither does his ex for that matter). I always thought he was attractive but we didn't interact very much until about a month ago. He started asking me out, first with our team as a group then with his friends and for the past two weeks, we've been hanging out one on one which has been very nice. We've gone out to dinner, the beach and have watched movies at his place. The only problem is that after all this time, he still hasn't kissed me or made any kind of moves. I figured it was because he was with his wife for so long, he maybe forgot how to date and just wants to take his time. I am fine going slow, it just that I am so used to men trying to kiss me on the first or second date. All of our mutual friends think we are officially dating but I think we are only friends at this point. Part of me wants to just go for it and kiss him first but if he turns me down, I will be completely humiliated. I don't think he just wants to be friends because he keeps asking to see me and tells me how gorgeous he thinks I am. I'm also a bit worried that it may still be too early for him to be with anyone and he might just be using me to not be alone. Is six months not enough time for him to be ready to move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2021):
Glad you ended up kissing last night. Glad you kissed him first. It can be a turn on for a man to have a woman kiss first. I bet you are happy u made the first-move. I am sure he very much enjoyed you kissing him. kissing is a good way to let him know u think he is attractive. Im sure he is attracted to u as well. U kissing him helps him feel less nervous about dating. Also, by u kissing him u can let him know you're both on the same page about being attracted to each other, romance, ok with the age-gap and the fact he is a divorcees. This confirms that he was not sending the wrong signals. Continuing to kiss him is a good way to confirm these messages and help him with not being nervous and letting him know u are glad that things progressed naturally between u both. By Continuing to kiss him u can let him know that u want to pursue the relationship as to where it may lead in terms romance, sex, and intimacy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): That's lovely!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your help everyone. We ended up kissing last night. He said he was just nervous because he's so out practice when it comes to dating but had I kissed him first, he would very much have enjoyed that. I am not assertive enough for that so I'm glad that things progressed naturally between us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2021): I meant to say:
"If you feel he's dragging his feet, or just wants to [be] friends (but you want to be more than that); then don't agree to anymore dates."
You can make the first-move, if you're the more progressive assertive-type; but some guys prefer they make the first-move.
Assume he has reasons for the delay, and show a little patience. Don't judge all men by what other guys do; judge each individual according to his own merit and character.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2021): There really is no one-size-fits-all answer; because it depends on the individual, and their particular circumstances which lead to divorce. Many people suffer through a bad marriage for years, thus their recovery-period after divorce is somewhat immediate. It's almost like removing a thorn from your finger. The relief comes as soon as the thorn is removed. Others may take years to get over the emotional trauma, loss of assets, and legal-expenses for their divorce.
I might be the oddball here with my answer, but I would say let him take the lead. He got-up the nerve to ask you out, he has asked you out again; but his feelings are still catching-up with his actions. You know he's interested, but sometimes it takes a little time to follow-through with your feelings. He's feeling things out, he's determining if you're both on the same page about romance, considering the age-gap; and divorcees are characteristically cautious not to rush, or send the wrong signals.
Unless you're in a hurry, allow him to make his moves when he's comfortable enough make them. If you feel he's dragging his feet, or just wants to friends (but your want to be more than that); then don't agree to anymore dates.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 November 2021):
 Just straight doing the math. 2 years would be a healthier timeline for a 45 - 50 year old man whose children are barely out of the nest. And that is from divorce to first outing, not to first physical act.
That is exactly why he hasn't kissed you yet.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 November 2021):
 Like the other aunt and uncle have already said, he probably "checked out" of the marriage a while before the divorce. Quite often (especially in the case of long running marriages), the parties involved have moved on emotionally well before the official paperwork is signed.
However, as he has been with his wife for the majority of his adult life, he may find it strange to be with someone else. He obviously likes you, otherwise he would not ask to keep seeing you or pay you compliments. Perhaps he is just out of practice at dating? After all, it's over 20 years since he last had to think about that sort of thing.
I too would advice taking things cautiously but there is nothing to stop you giving him a peck on the cheek next time you see him or leave him (rather than going in for a full snog, which might spook the poor guy after 20 years of marriage!). Perhaps give him a friendly hug too.
In your shoes I would also consider the future and ask yourself if you both want the same things. You don't mention children of your own so I assume you do not have any. Would you LIKE to have a child (or more) in the future? If so, he may not be on the same page, given he has already raised a family. Just something to consider.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 November 2021):
Sometimes a marriage has already been over for a long time before you actually get divorced so 6 months might not be a big deal.
Regardless of that, if he was faithful it's probably a little different for him to be with someone else. I was faithfully married for 13 or 14 years and it took awhile to feel comfortable with dating other women.
Also don't be surprised if you guys sleep together and it's slightly awkward.
But I can't imagine him turning down your kiss based on what you said. Maybe you should just go for it so he doesn't have to, lol
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2021):
 It's different for each person.
BUT I do think 6 months is kind of fast after 20 years of marriage.
I think it's highly likely if it moves "too fast" that you will just end up being a "rebound" someone to "help" him get over the end of the marriage.
SO if I were you, I'd take it snail's pace.
I'd also keep SEX out of the picture until there is an actual talk about dating and relationships.
Now some people are ready to date the day the divorce is filed for or the day it's signed because they check out of the marriage a long time ago. Sometimes in cases of infidelity (for instance), people can move on much quicker or much slower than usual. It all depends on the person.
I think you need to consider being aware that the divorce and the split is still rather fresh.
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