A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is 20 years after a bad break up too long to apoligize? We had a really bad break up and I cheated on him. We had dated for about 2 years. I was not happy and he was so self absorbed he never caught on. I recently saw him and he avoids me. Turn and runs away from me. I thought after all this time he would be mature and over it. We are both married with children. I don't want him back. But it hurts me when he avoids me. I was very angry and said a lot of things I should not have. But that was 20 years ago. I would like to reach out to him and apoligize for my behavior to make him feel better. But I am afraid to because of his actions. What does all this mean and what do I do. We live in the same community, our children go to school together and we are going to keep running into one another. I hate that it is so awkward. What should I do. Help and Thanks. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012):hi, yes it has been a while since the post and I don't know if this info is too late or not. Anyway. The answer is definately NO! I am very devoted and loyal to my husband. I take marriage or even engaements VERY seriously. This was a boyfriend with whom I felt was cheating on me anyway. I will never know. But I have no desire to cheat. It is not in my nature. It is wrong. This past mistake of kissing someone else is the biggest regret I have in my life. I was also very innocent and this guy was my first relationship. I would never marry someone who was not the complete package for me. My husband truly loves me for me, warts and all. We have an amazing trust of each other and we are very secure together. He gives me what I need emotionally etc. We have a great life and relationship. I never think about cheating. I was in a deseperate toxic relationship with this e boyfriend and I was so miserable. I was not fulfilled by him. Hope this helps!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): I know its been quite a while since you posted this, but can I ask, did you ever cheat in a later relationship or was it just this one?
Thanks, I think the info would help me out
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Thank you OP!
Its always nice to be appreciated and it feels really nice to know that I was of some help. My best wishes are with you and I really hope you come out of this much stronger and happier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank you enough anonymous123. You are awesome!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 December 2011):
Glad to be of help OP.
Please keep us updated and I really hope you come out of this much stronger and without the baggage of guilt that you have been carrying for 20 years.
All the best to you...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous 123- I want to sincerely thank you for your advice. I believe it to be very helpful to me.
As I began writing more replies. I became aware of the things I had been keeping buried. I focused on the positiveness of the relationship because I was genuine. Or maybe I was just used to being treated badly by my family, that I did not know what being treated good was. I thought it was good, it was for awhile.
I also want to mention that this was my first serious boyfriend and I was a virgin before I met him. He is very good looking and charming. I know that he did love me, he said he wanted to marry me but we were never formally engaged. I think he may have been faithful to me, but I will never know. I was very insecure. I did not trust anyone. So maybe I was the one to blame and maybe I did do wrong.
He cried like a baby when I told him I was seeing someone else. I will never get that image of pain on his face out of my head.
I am dealing with my feelings and that is the first step to getting over this. I want to let this go. To heal myself and get over the guilt I feel. I am starting therapy to help myself deal with this. I will give an update at sometime. My sweet husband has been very supportive and is trying to help me sort it out as well.
I want to thank everyone else as well for their thoughts and advice. I truly appreciate everyone's help. All the answers positve and negitive helped me see things from both sides. Peace and love to you all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 December 2011):
Hi OP,
Many people would say that what you did was wrong (cheating on him), but given the way that things were shaping up, I don't think it was wrong. I'm not condoning the fact that you cheated on him, I'm just saying you took that path because you wanted a way out and at that point of time, given the circumstances, that was the only way out.
Sometimes when you realize that someone is horribly wrong for you and yet you cannot get out of the vicious circle because you're not getting that one hard push that's needed to shove you out of the pit, you just do something wrong to make a bad situation right.That's what you did. And trust me, there was NOTHING wrong with that. It would have been wrong if you had hurt a man while in a loving, committed relationship or if you had broken his trust, but in your case, the man was himself a horrible mistake. He used you, he abused you, he was dysfunctional, he was not right for you in any way. And the relationship with you meant nothing to him, because he didn't even mind the break up and got back to his feet and was dating someone new within a week.
Please let go of this burden that you are carrying OP. You have not wronged him IN ANY WAY. Society conditions women to adhere to certain stereotypes, and stick to the notion of the "ideal woman". From Virgin Mary as an ideal of both virgin and mother, to Sita in Hindu mythology, women are expected to embody traits of chastity, generosity, sexual passivity, maternal love, etc.
Somewhere down the line, you have the guilt. You know you are a good person, yet you feel you have done something horribly wrong by cheating on a man and you are carrying the guilt till date. All his mistakes and faults are on one side and yet you feel that the one mistake that you committed is worse than all that he's done and has outdone all his mistakes, and that is why you wrote this post in the first place, because you feel a need to apologize to him.
OP please free yourself of all guilt. YOU ARE NOT WRONG. What the man did with you was wrong, if anything, he should be falling at your feet to apologize and should have done so 20 years ago, to beg you to take him back.
20 years is too long to carry the guilt for something which is not your fault. Let go OP, leave this man behind in the past. You dont owe him an apology, you dont owe him anything. He was a mistake, he is now a closed chapter in your life. Cherish what you have now and leave the hurt behind, because you have done no wrong. Don't give this man so much importance. You dont have to pay for anything, its all in your mind. Let go
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA million Thanks anonymous123. You don't even know either of us but you are so right. We were very deeply in love. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever have done and the most painful. The last year we dated, all we did was fight and I broke up with him once a month. I behaved very immature. He was always self absorbed. He put himself first in the relationship. I was the giver and he was the taker. Absolutely, I did not have my needs met and even though the signs were there for him to break up with me he didn't.I think he liked to have the arguments and then the make up sex. The turmoil. He brought out the worst in me, it was a very toxic relationship. He punched my arm really hard during an argument while I was driving and I saw him beat the crap out of his little sister one time, she was only 13. I grew up in such dysfunction myself, that I did not want to repete the pattern. I could see us killing each other or him treating me like this. It needed to end. Maybe subconsciously I forced him to break up with me by cheating so he would and we could both be free from the additction we had for each other. I just wanted more out of life. I knew happiness could be mine but he was not the one for me because I was miserable with him. My ex would say things to make me insecure about my physical appearance and he always had to go off and have his male bonding time. He left me alone after bringing me flowers for getting my wisdom teeth out. Instead of staying with me. He was there for 20 mins then left to go with his friends. Flowers were just not enough for me. He just never got it. I tried to talk to him about my feelings but he would never agree with me to cool things down. He wanted what he wanted.I just felt like he didn't love me for me. He could have been with anyone as long as they went along with him. He was extremely judgemental and thought highly of himself, but I could see his insecurity.I guess he has never changed.I feel so much guilt for behaving like I did. It is not who I wanted to be. I would never think of cheating. My soul is not made that way. I am very happy now with finding an unconditional love in my husband of 17 years. I have moved on, regardless of what some of you think. I am a compassionate person and I made a mistake by not breaking up with him,the correct way. Anyway a week after I tearfully and painfully confessed to him about seeing someone else.( with whom I did NOT have sex with,by the way). Also, I lived in another state when this happened and had a different life, differnt friends for the summer, when I went out with someone else. So it was much easier to seperate my conscious.My Ex would call me everyonce in a while but we did not talk for weeks at a time, he was not home pinning for me- another red flag. I did call to check on him the next week and he told me he was already seeing someone else. One week later! That is when I blew up and yelled and hung up on him. Like I said I never trusted him anyway.Because we were not together, I should have broken up with him before I left, but I did love him and I took him for granted that he would always be there.I really struggled with what I wanted and what I needed.I feel terrible for hurting him. I acted out of my character, because I was in pain, hurt and angry for things not working out for us. I really did love him. I made a mistake by acting out of my own pain,so I guess I do deserve the cold shoulder. I get it.I think I will always feel badly, and I am paying for it. So I thank everyone for their input and advice. It is good to hear things from both sides. There is nothing I can do. I just need to forgive myself and then hopefully I will not feel so badly about the way I behaved in my life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): "But it hurts me when he avoids me"
It hurts worse when someone cheats on you, and then gets angry and tells you words that never go away... That kind of memory can stay with you forever, it can destroy your trust in people, it can make you insecure, it can give you nightmares.
"I am just shocked at how immature and childlike he is behaving."
He's not childish... 20years ago, you hurt someone really bad.. why should he say hello to you.. your not a friend, your an enemy. Things like that some people never, ever forget. I'm glad you've decided to leave the man alone, you've hurt him enough. You've changed, well good for you.. well you probably changed him too and not in a very good way. You was young, I'm guessing that he was young too. At least he's honest, from what he remembers your not the kind of person he wants to talk to. You say a lot of bad things about him.. "huge ego, big jerk, self-absorbed", (I wonder what he says about you) But you want to be friendly.. Why? You say he hasn't moved on, but neither have you, or his ignoring you wouldn't matter. You want to take away his pain... far too late for that.
To tell the truth, I'm wondering why you want to be friendly with somebody who obviously dislikes you. I think someone is acting childish and immature, but I don't think it's the man.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 December 2011):
Hi OP,
You are right, his behavior is extremely immature and childlike. This is not how a mature, balanced adult should behave. When we look back at ourselves, we were different maybe 5-10 years ago, but we have all evolved as individuals and that is how it should be. One should be able to grow and be able to let go of things, not hold on to them and wallow in self pity, anger, hatred or hurt.
You have moved on but he hasn't. You have adapted yourself to life and have attained a maturity with age,which he hasn't. He was a self absorbed jerk when you dated and it seems to me that he still hasn't changed. I cannot understand how people can hold on to the past and their flaws for so long and not try to grow and attempt to better themselves.
Anyway its entirely his problem. Thank your stars you're not with this man-child!! OP he is not in pain because of you, he is in pain because of himself. You are in NO WAY responsible for his sorry state, that is how he has made himself. If he is such an immature silly man, its his problem. That's how he was when you met him, that's how he still is, and will continue to be, unless he tries to change himself, which he wont, because he's a weak person.
If he had the tiniest bit of grace, he would have himself acknowledged you first and would have been civil with you. The fact that not only has he NOT done that, but has avoided you in such an obvious manner, tells a lot about him. Just be indifferent to him, carry on with your life, don't give him any attention. He doesn't deserve it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): If he runs away from you there isn't much you can do. If someone doesn't want to speak to you you have to let it go. You could try writing a note to him saying you feel awkward that he won't say hello to you as a start. If he is running away from you your break up must have been pretty bad?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): I'm not even sure that you should want to apologise, even if you decide that you can go ahead and do it.It seems that what you really want is what he apparently never gave you - the emotional maturity to really connect with you in a less self-absorbed way. If he had this today then he would not be literally running away from you - maybe he would not be pleased to see you, but he would at least give you a chance given that you were together for two years.I don't recommend cheating in any way, but when you are a lot younger it is hard not to get caught up in situations that you would never contemplate as a fully matured adult. Sometimes one partner ends up "symptomatising" something that is going wrong in the relationship as a whole i.e. he is self absorbed and ignorant of your needs, you care for him a lot but become increasingly desperate for a deeper connection, as time goes on you start to connect with someone else in a way that is basically a diversion from what you really want/are not getting. It's an ironic situation in which, without the emotional maturity to begin with, things go awry, but they don't solve the lack of emotional maturity, so you can't properly discuss it and although you now want to it seems that he just won't even go there.Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it is okay to cheat, but 20 years is enough time for any man to grow up to a point where he can at least be civil to you,if nothing else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who responded. I am going to take Anomymous123 advice. I am just shocked at how immature and childlike he is behaving. His actions tell me he has not dealt with it after all these years.He is still very hurt. I want to wish him well and not have hard feelings between us. I don't want him to feel that pain when he sees me.I have tried to talk to him and he just walks on by. He was a self absorbed jerk when we dated and he did not treat me as well as what he thinks in his head, due to his huge ego. I am not that crazy, emotionally charged person anymore. I have changed. I hoped that he would change for the better as well. He hasn't though. I need to just heal myself and give the problem back to him. Maybe someday when he sees me for the 100th time he might change his mind and talk to me or he may never talk to me. I am a kind person full of love and forgiveness and I hate to see someone I once cared for full of pain because of me. I will just be indifferent to him as he is with me and one day I will get over it. I don't agree with mbill48- He has no closure or has moved on emotionally because if he did, he would not run away. He would have no hard feelings and peace about it/me and be civil. He is in pain and can't,or won't deal with it. After all these years his ego just has never recovered. I feel bad for him. I have moved on and every time I see him and he treats me this way. It just reafirms my decision to dump him back then, was the right thing to do. I just wish I was not so hurt and emotional about it and immature, selfish when I did this.I was a very insecure 20 year old. I never trusted him and believed he was cheating on me as well. I think maybe he wasn't but I will never know for sure. I have grown so much and finally have a love to be confident about. A love for myself that I did not have back then. I just need to move on and not pay him any attention. It is sad because I think I feel sad for him. He has no peace. But it is not my problem anymore.Thanks so much for your advice everyone. I really appreciate your responding to my letter.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (10 December 2011):
Are you sure apologizing will make him feel better? 20 years is a long time,and its enough time for a person to move on...more than enough in fact. I'm guessing you were in your twenties when you broke up with him?
Look OP, its not going to matter now if you apologize, because in any case your break up happened ages ago. If this guy STILL hasn't moved on from it, then its his problem. You were not the only two people in the world to have broken up, most of us have, at some point of time. It happens, you deal with it, you move on.
If his way of dealing with it is like this, then I don't think an apology from you would help. He's still stuck on the past, which is not such a good thing. Going by that logic, if you approach him with an apology, you don't know how he's going to take it.
I say forget the whole thing, don't give him so much attention. If he cant be fine with you, that's his problem and you cant force him to be fine with it. Just be indifferent to him
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Hi,
It's a long time for someone to hold a grudge?... I am sure you said many hurtful things, but I can't believe that he doens't talk to you when he sees you, specially after 20 years, specially after you both are married with children. You don't need to be best friends, but a hi wouldn't hurt him.
Since he cannot be the better person, I will suggest next time you see him, say hi and ask if you can talk to him? I have to agree with you, must be uncomfortable, since you both live in the same community. Try once, so it's doens't have to be awkward when you see each other. Hopefully he will agree and you both can be civil. Just know, at least you try?...
Good luck
Happy holidays
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): It's never to late to apologize. Apologize.
...............................
A
male
reader, mbill48 +, writes (10 December 2011):
Well if he is avoiding you he already has his closure. You clearly gave that to him 20 years ago. You are the one still looking for closer. Live with your choice. I say this with experience. I have had gals try to get back in or talk to me 16 years later. I still hurt over it. You are the one that hasn’t faced had to fact it was you that hid it all of those years. Now it has come back full circle.
...............................
|
