A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi i have a girlfriend who i know deep down i love but as of late i have been having irrational thoughts racing around in my head about my feelings about certain aspects of our relationship. To start off she is from a super religious background, her mother and father are super religious and it is quite obvious it has been drilled into her and her siblings. My family is nothing like that, though we are christian as well, my girlfriends family is a bit more extreme. Will this be an issue later on? will our families get along? i get kinda freaked out sometimes when she speaks about her mother telling her about the end of the world, and heaven and hell and all that. Im just not used to hearing all that stuff. she is, so i can see how she thinks its just normal.. am i over stressing this? my fear is that she will be like her mom throughout our life together, im not sure if i want my kids growing up like her siblings did. right now she is not really like that in depth and extreme, but will it develop? will i get annoyed? this now has started a whole bunch of irrational thoughts... do i love her? is she the one? am i attracted to her? but i know its all irrational.i just dont know what to think, please help!
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Well only time will tell on this one I'm afraid - we cannot sit here and try to speculate what type of mother she will be or how she will want to raise her kids.
So what you need to do is quite simple - talk to her! Tell her that you have a few concerns regarding her background, just explain that you have noticed that as a family regligion is quite a big deal compared to your own family. Ask her what religion means to her, ask if she feels the same way about religion as her mother does. The only way to answer any of these questions you have is to talk to her - you need to find out how she really feels about religion and what part it will play in your future lives together.
If you dont talk about this now then yes it could become an issues - if you find out you have major differences in the way you want to raise kids surely it is best to talk about it now rather than wait until you actually have kids only then to argue about it all the time?
Good relationships are based on communication, and talking early on about the important things like values and beliefs. You need to both be clear on where you stand with your values and beliefs before you can seriously commit to each other long term, so just be brave and sit down with her and talk about it. Make sure you are just talking, rather than arguing, ensure you dont appear to be criticising her, just talk calmly and explain you just want to know where she stands on a few things. Make sure you dont approach it like "Oh I'm really worried about this because I believe this xxxxxx and from the way you behave with your family I think you will raise our kids wrong..." Try and approach it sensitively, purely by asking her how she feels about religion, asking her how she sees herself raising a family etc. Make it seem like you are interested in her and her beliefs, rather than coming straight out and saying anything which could be mis-interpreted as you not liking her family. Dont say "I dont want our kids growing up like you and your siblings did" as this will just anger her and make her think that you dont like her family.
I cant really offer you any more advice other than to talk to her - it seems to me like you do love this girl but you are thinking about the future and are concerned about what your future life might be like together. This is totally normal and even a good thing, because too many people just fall in love, then get married without ever even having any serious discussions on subjects like this, then after a couple of years together they realise they are just too different on major issues like this because they have different beliefs and values, hence why divorce rates are so high!
So if more people actually act like you and talk about real issues like this that will actually affect your lives, rather than just rushing around thinking everything is wonderful because you are in love - then maybe the world would be a better place! So dont be afraid to discuss things like these, it is an important part of the relationship to be able to talk about stuff like this so just sit her down and get talking!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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