A
male
age
36-40,
*ondonjay
writes:HiMe and my girlfriend have been together around 3 years now. We met in Spain while she was studying and I was working. At the time I was earning really good money, the best I have ever earned and she was earning nothing just money from her mother, she was about 20 at the time.Since then we have had some really great times. I wrote her an album and recorded it as a present for christmas, we have always got on really well until recently.I've moved to Ireland (her native country) and here I have a very basic job which earns only okay money. she has a good job with great prospects and I'm a little in between about where my life is going.Now our realtionship consists of me coming home and writing, (I'm currently writing a novel). The novel is really important to me and she knows that but I always try to spend an hour or two with her a day just watching television. That's all she really does on a day to day basis. She goes to bed about two hours after I get home asks me to make her a hot water bottle and goes to bed to read. By this time I'm still wide awake (around 10 or 11pm)so I take advantage of the time to write my book. When I suggest we do something she says she's tired from work.She's so distant now, we just had a conversation where she said that although our realtionship is not on the rocks she just feels disconnected. We never have sex, maybe once every one or two months and to be honest it doesnt even bother me that much. I feel disconnected too. I love her very much but there is obviously something missing.I get approached from other girls when I go out, young girls who want to have fun and you can just see that they are bubbly and full of life. I'd never cheat on her though.I can't think of what to do. I can't see what the problem is really other than not doing much things together but even when we do we usually have at least one argument about something stupid.Even when I tell her something of interest to me she just doesn't seem to be able to understand why it is interesting. For example I saw a gang of holligans chasing another gang down the street with baseball bats I came home and mentioned it to her and she just shrugged and kept watching the television. I didn't want her to jump out of her seat but it's not something you see every day.She doesn't like doing things with just me as she doesnt want things to be too "intense" and I can see her point. I don't want to make some big dramtic statement.I don't get very sexually aroused by her. She's a very attractive girl but for example, right now she's in bed with pajama bottoms on and one of my hoodys cuddling a hot water bottle and eating ice reading a book that she's read a few times before. I tried going in to talk to her and she smiled and asked me to leave her because she was getting to a good part of her book. That's not a scenario a 23 year old should be in.I know communication is important and so I ask her what she's feeling and what she wants every so often, not too often but she doesn't know and I don't know what I want so it leaves us nowhere. Most of the time we just ignore it and get on with things.I guess my question is how can we spice up this boring relationship? It used to be very very "spicy" the experiences we had would make most people blush but since I moved to Ireland our experiences would make most people yawn.What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): I've been in a very similar situation... the reality is, you know your going in circles, but you aren't ready to admit it to yourself. Most people, sort of an unconcious thing, think that cohabitating means literally that- just you living your life in the same house as someone else living their life. We're not taught how to merge our lives, and, from my own experience, it's something married people around us don't really talk about or share with their newly cohabitating friends.My advice- draft an email to her. Tell her everything you've said here, and everything you didn't. Write as if you knew she'd read it intently. When you're finished, go back and edit it a bit. Then read the whole thing through; if you think she would be responsive to it then sit her down (not after work, on a day off) and talk to her. If, after reading the email, you feel like putting your head in your hands because you can't possibly tell her and she will never listen, then chances are the relationship is already over for you.2nd piece of advice- if you do split, I suggest you stay in Ireland for a bit, get a little flat, concentrate on writing your novel. On the off chance that there is something there for you, it would be awful to leave.Best of luck!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 Satin hit the nail on the head.
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