A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:3 weeks ago I broke up with my bf (whom I had been with for 4 months) after I read his emails and found out he's been meeting another woman. He apologised and tried to get me back (he didn't know that I read his emails , I just told him I don't trust him anymore) but I stayed strong for the first week...then I decided to listen to what he had to say. He was apologetic and we then agreed to stay friends (as I didn't want to go back to him). a week ago he became sick and asked me to visit him. as a good friend would do, I went to the doctor with him. He then took me out for lunch , said he's missing me and asked me to move in with him! I'm still in love with him but I told him to give me time. when we went back to his house, i used his pc (with his consent) and I checked his emails/skype/facebook msgs etc and this girl whom he had been seeing said 'hello' to him on msn. I told him about this and he just said 'ok'. So i wrote to her 'he's not here'. He then found out and became very angry with me. He accused me of being dishonest as he found out I checked his email acct ...I lied to him and told him that some people saw him with another girl and told me because I didnt want him to know that i checked his email. However, I couldnt take it anymore and I spilled all the info I got to know from his emails about this girl. he told me Im a liar and insisted they were just friends and asked me to leave his place. He paid a cab and later texted me to tell me how disappointed he is with my dishonesty. I then sent him a msgs a day later and apologised for invading his privacy but told him i dont regret the relationship ending. he didnt reply anything. he's also been ignoring me on msn. a few days ago I felt really sick while i was in a mall (which is next to his house) so I texted him to see if he could pick me up, he didnt reply anything.this is not the first time I checked his phone /skype etc as I suspected something's wrong. The first time I checked it, I found out sexual messages to another girl...He had apologised for these text messages and forgave me for going through his phone but now he doesnt' even want to talk to me.I feel dissappointed and let down now as I feel that him not replying is making him think that Im the loser. He said that Im paranoid of thinking that theres something between him and this girl. im trying to move on but i find myself waiting for him to contact me as i do realise that i made a mistake in invading his privacy.
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broke up, liar, move on, msn, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, L*  +, writes (11 October 2010):
I am the poster of this question. Thank you all for your replies. I think that him being angry with me is just an excuse to turn the tables on me as he knows he's at fault. I do understand that this relationship is not healthy for me and that it's better that it has ended but I still feel bad at the way things ended. I feel that he thinks I'm a loser due to me being weak and sending him a few texts in the past week (and him not replying at all).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Jmtmj you are beyond wrong on this one. People have a right to protect themselves like she did. When you snoop on someone its most likely they have giving you cause of concern. She is a female so she has to be more cautious. Most STD'S pass through blood. A male can have sex with a woman that is affected and as long as he has no open sores then ITS a possibility that he would walk free of STD's on the other hand she most like will catch anything he has...
She is not wrong to snoop when she thinks he has went astray. Privacy is out the window-its been broken and will take a very long and hard work to get back. Now he's asking her to move in WTF, some of those STD'S has a death sentence which is a heck of more serious then snooping on his email account. We all want to run back in the beginning but the poster needs to stay strong. A cheater never stops until he has a serious STD.
I believe in privacy yet I never been in any relationship that I felt I need to hide something. I think when your at that point you need to be by yourself. You share in a relationship that means everything. They”re tell you its not a health relationship to snoop, well I am saying HIV isn't healthy either and your more at risk when your partner cheat.
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Honestly, I feel like as much as everyone has snooped it is counterproductive.
Not only is it truly a waste in time for the snooper - it is only an indication that you have very little trust for your partner which as many have said previous is not a good sign for the health of the relationship.
Now, as much as finding something suspicious or definitive - it is very much buyer beware. Your trust issues are not neccesarily vindicated by finding evidence of betrayal. Very rarely are trust issues organically born from sneaky behaviour - the deeper issue is a lack of intimacy, a lack of communication or on one or both sides a lack of maturity.
Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you feel you have to keep tabs on? What does that say about your priorities? I'm sure you have many different hobbies, interests and better things to do with your time and you need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up a portion of these things to become a betrayal detective.
I truly believe that where there is smoke - there is fire in most cases. But your partners' reaction to you finding this suspicious information - after he has already been caught is textbook. Don't let him make this your fault. Yes - the snooping is wrong - but more because it indicated that you are in a relationship that is rooted on a flimsy foundation. Wrong because it makes you obsessed with the symptoms - and not the real problem.
Focus on the facts - any man who reacts to being caught - after he is on probation for another situation should be apologetic. And if he isn't, there is a reason. He isn't the first cheating person to be defensive, abrasive, and avoid being honest with himself and you.
Walk away, start fresh. This relationship is tumultuous and it doesn't seem like either of you are really fighting for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): If you had found nothing,he would have said nothing. Its a bit naughty to snoop,but its far worse to cheat. I wouldnt mind having my email snooped on if i wasnt hiding anything.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 It is very handy for him to get angry for your snooping because it totally allows him to get away with cheating.
Convenient.
Trust in a relationship is about being ABLE to trust the other person, it requires action on their part. It is NOT blindly looking away or ignorance. Trust must be real. If I trust you to tell the truth and you don't then there is no trust, because you betrayed it.
A relationship is also not a legal case. How you find out the evidence of his cheating is not bound by rules of discovery. He is seeing another woman, he can't wriggle out of that by claiming that you were wrong for finding that out. Just because you committed a wrong doesn't make his wrong right.
Invading partners privacy, how wrong? Not as wrong as cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): You caught him out seeing someone else so of course he is not happy and has to blame you. ok so you shouldn't snoop, but he shouldn't cheat. Now you have found out, steer clear of him unless you are happy for him to see others.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 It is wrong, wrong, WRONG.
You can't have a healthy relationship without trust.
You can't have a healthy relationship without communication.
Snooping suggests problems with both.
But that's just me... I'm a loyal, faithful guy and if a girl can't simply talk to me about whats bugging her and feels she can't trust me to the point where she goes "snooping" and invading my privacy... then its over.
Its not a good foundation for a friendship, let alone a relationship and finding something incriminating when snooping does not make it right.
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