A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I am feeling scared and alone. Basically, I have never had a relationship with a girl before this year (I am a young adult). This girl was beautiful...but was egotistical, manipulative and untrustworthy. It took me months to free myself from the relationship with the help of friends. People could not even understand why I was in this relationship with a girl who never gave me anything and only asked for things, never asked me about myself, and was always looking for the next distraction.When I ask myself the question, I come up with the answers: *She was gorgeous*She acted very sweet*I was very lonely*I felt flattered that she would even spend time with me*I had (and have) very low self-esteemMy problem now, is that I am still lonely and still have low self-esteem. What kills me is that though I extricated myself from the situation, I am broken-hearted and she is free and probably is not thinking about me at all.My questions are:Is there hope? Have you been in a destructive relationship and gone on to find a better one...or have you fallen back to another destructive one?Did I do the right thing in entering the unknown--filled with loneliness--rather than stay in a relationship that was making me miserable?Thank you for any experiences you might share. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies, they are very inspiring. I am surprised frankly to see I am not alone in what happened to me. I hope I can get to where you are.
A
female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 YOU DO HAVE HOPE! And I mean a TON of it. My fiance was in the exact same position you were in, if not worse. His ex was about three years younger than him (15-16), he was 18-19. He dated her on-and-off for 1 1/2 to 2 years. She was a MESS, and by that I mean: she was psychotic, over-emotional, manipulative, irrational, immature...everything evil in a person. She cheated on my fiance numerous times (with girls and guys), and picked fights with him constantly to start drama. If he would ever try to leave her, she would manipulate him with sex or pity. She would oftentimes threaten suicide or self-harm if he ever tried to end things for good. He became trapped in that roller-coaster ride of emotional highs and lows for months on end. He said that it became familiar and therefore he learned not to question it anymore. She was also (admittedly) very attractive. And of course, being a young man, he wanted the sex she was willing to give. He also became used to "saving" her and felt like it was his responsibility to take her pain away. At the end of their relationship, she sliced her wrist open with a knife out of desperation to keep him. He got her help, but then never spoke to her again. Not even two weeks later, she was sleeping with another guy. That next month, she was pregnant. She's now alone as the father of her child has left her.You have to understand that nothing this relationship you were in was at all healthy. You have to understand that this girl probably had lower self-esteem than you do, and that's why she's constantly seeking approval from everyone around her, and that's why she plays the "pity" card so many times. It's the only way she can get anyone's attention or affection. You need to realize that there are girls out there who are insecure AND beautiful. Just because she's got the looks doesn't mean she has the confidence in herself to back them up (I know this first-hand, as I am one of those girls). Some girls just handle their insecurities very differently. Just know that she probably hasn't forgotten about you, and that she's probably not out having the time of her life.My fiance met me a little over two years ago, about four months after ending things with his ex. He and I have been engaged for three months now, and this month will be celebrating two years together. We have moved across the country together, have gotten a place of our own, and are building ourselves a bright future. We love each other and RESPECT each other. That's what true love is all about. This woman didn't respect you, so please don't worry about her. She's definitely not worth your time or your thoughts. Just work on making yourself happy and confident, and I guarantee you great success =) Good luck!
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Been in a destructive marriage myself before we were divorced and while I do miss the female company of even just sitting on the verandah having a late night ciggy and a scotch while chatting under the stars here.
I've been contently single for 5yrs now and in that time I've been I guess a more educated man you can tell after love's blindness who the decent sorts are after a while even if you do have low self-esteem.
If she was making you feel miserable due to her self-centredness then yes you did the right thing by escaping a user. Hell mate i still worry at 31 if another one is/will come along but my point in time im grateful for the chance to reflect to see where things went wrong to avoid it happening again, plus healthwise it also has given me the chance to fix dental issues that have plagued myself from meds as a child that prevented fitting and convulsions.
All in all no one is ever truly lonely specially if you have good friends who keep in contact and family I know it's not the same as having a female companion but having someone to talk to regardless beats off loneliness even though the companionship is missed at times.
Thing's will get better for you once your able to recentre and refocus yourself it takes a little time but it does get better.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (5 January 2011):
You absolutely did the right thing in ending your one-way street relationship. Life is too short to spend it with toxic people. It is really the first step in a long journey to becoming comfortable in your own skin. The problem is that you (you are not alone in this by any stretch of the imagination) had obtained your self-worth by how this other person treated you. You assigned value to having a beautiful woman pay attention to you, and you were willing to do anything to keep it going until it became unbearable. Been there, done that. To answer your question, yes... a resounding yes...there is hope. Of course there is. Do you think you are the only guy on planet earth who has been sweet-talked into unzipping his heart for a pretty girl with no soul? My friend, there are legions of men just like you. What you have to recognize is that your self-worth comes from within -- not from how some pretty face who is otherwise empty inside treats you. Any other setup is a surefire recipe for misery. Ok, you ask...so what do I do now? Start being good to yourself. Start being ok with being alone with you. You obviously had something going on, or this woman would not have paid you the time of day. Start living your life. Forget about what she's doing, who she's with, etc. It doesn't matter. She's someone else's problem now. Don't sit at home and dwell on the past. Get out there. Even if you don't feel like it, push yourself to get out. Also, work on your self-esteem. It's really why you ended up with a user in the first place. You really need to focus on this and figure out what makes you tick; otherwise, you will end up in another toxic relationship. This to me is the key to having healthy relationships. People who have healthy self-esteem know when they are being used or taken advantage of, and react accordingly. People who do not, are easy prey for those emotional vampires that walk among us. So, get help in boosting your self-esteem and believing in yourself. You are young, so there will be plenty more women. The women you let into your life should be enhancements to your well-being and not the opposite. Don't be snowed by a pretty face...they're a dime a dozen. Look at how the woman treats other people. If she treats them like crap, then odds are she'll treat you like crap. Does she lie? Is she trustworthy? How does she treat her friends? Does she badmouth them behind their backs? Guess what? If she does, then she will do the same thing to you. The women you want to be with should be beautiful inside. It's just as important, if not moreso, than being beautiful on the outside. In fact, I know there are men out there who got involved with "beautiful" women who rue the day they ever laid eyes on them. We are all human. We all want to be treated with respect, care, and concern by those who we allow into our lives. Improving your screening process is of utmost importance. Doing that depends upon your self-esteem...having the courage to be selective. So we've come full circle. The theme is boosting your self-esteem. That is the best way to inoculate yourself from falling prey to the women out there intent on playing with a man's heart for who knows why. Good luck. You made the right choice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Man, Been there, done that- but trust me you got off easier than some of us...it only took you months, it took me YEARS!~Four (long) years after graduating college, I married my college GF. She was the second real GF that I'd ever had. The first one broke up with me and left me heart broken for a while.This woman was fun, crazy, wild... sexually adventurous... but she was also an emotional mess, unfocused, egotistical, selfish and end the end mentally unstable to the point that someone (me) was likely to be physically hurt.I too craved companionship, I enjoyed coming to her aid (big red flag!) and saving her from all kinds of crazy problems. While it wasn't "fun" it was my "role" and deep down I felt useful in "helping" her. Problem was that I was enabling her, she never got help and god 10X worse.By year #7 my self-esteem was non-existent. She had me so messed up that it took about 1.5 years to realize how sick the relationship had become the last few years. (The divorce took 18 months, which took a lot of my focus and delayed the healing at least 6 to 8 months).I took was lonely, tried internet dating, tried hooking up with an old GF from High school. It was only when I got involved with something social and met a wonderful woman through one of the guys there that I began to live life 100% again. By then I'd done some reading and self-healing and a bit of professional counseling - which primarily reassured me that getting out of that relationship was the BEST thing that could ever happen and that she was 100% incapable of being in a healthy, loving relationship THAT I DESERVED. So, I met someone though a connection with this social group, we hit it off, dated 1.5 years, engaged about 9 months and just celebrated 9 years of marriage. Live is GOOD! She's a great person - not perfect, but no one is... but she's a perfect match for me!It took me NOT looking (desperately seeking) a GF to find one.Is there hope... pal, if you could see me you'd know 100% that if I can get to where I have you're SURE to make it. My track record is virtually non-existent, and I've got a great marriage.Did you do the right thing??? HELL YES! Being comfortable in a bad relationship is like sitting in a huge pile of fresh shit... it's warm, it's familiar, and it's embracing... but it's a huge pile of fresh shit...Life will get much better! Go, get out there and mix with folks, do NOT go GF hunting... just get out and let nature do the rest.Good luck! And hang in there!
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