A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I seem to be asking quite a lot of advice recently!I am married to a really lovely man. We have been married 7 years, together 11. I am starting to feel unfulfilled and resentment though and I really don’t want to. My husband has kids from a previous relationship - I love them to bits but we agreed that we could also try for 2. I now have the most gorgeous daughter who I couldn’t love more, however I yearn for another. We had a few problems trying to conceive a 2nd, but my husband one day just said he’s had enough of trying for another baby and wants it to just be us - however, now he won’t have sex with me because he doesn’t want to get me pregnant. He tells me he is tired but there is no cuddling or kissing, just he is on his side and me on mine. We have sex once a month, go to bed separately and I feel horrendous. No matter how many times I say anything, it just goes through one ear. He is a fantastic father and loves me a great deal, but whenever I have a conversation with him about the way I feel, he just flips it over and starts talking about himself. I hate my house, I hate the fact I work in a dead end job, but at 42 I can’t leave because it has the best pension in the country and I work from home so it’s very lonely, but handy for child care. I put up with so much crap from his ex as well. I feel so stuck in a rut and feel so unfulfilled with no intimacy. I don’t know where to go for help. I don’t want a divorce because I love my husband but don’t want to have this intimacy issue for the rest of my life.
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female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (27 April 2022):
I agree with the previous aunt. You need to listen to him. It sounds like he has unfulfilled needs that you aren’t paying attention to. You expect intimacy but what are you doing to create it? Make sure his desires are met and you can rekindle the flame. Are you taking care of your body? Spicing things up with sexy lingerie? Doing anything romantic for him? I don’t mean to sound judgmental but I see a lot of self-centered complaining in your post, but no effort to try to rekindle the romance. Just remember that you can’t expect him to meet all your sexual/romantic needs if you aren’t meeting his. It takes two to tango!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 April 2022):
 I'm sorry if I have this wrong but, based on what you say in your post, it sounds like you and your husband are both talking but neither of you is listening to the other one. You want to be heard about how YOU feel and he wants to be heard about how HE feels. That is fine, but you both need to listen as well. You both have as much right to your feelings as the other.
If your husband has reached a stage where he really does not want any more kids, then you need to accept that he has his reasons and thank your blessings that you have a lovely daughter together. We can't have everything we want in life and, more times than not, we have to compromise and decide what is more important to us. If your husband is withholding intimacy because of his fear of getting you pregnant, then perhaps it is time to accept you are not going to have another child together and he needs to have a vasectomy. Then the fear of pregnancy will be removed.
Why do you hate your house? Can you move? Can you do something about what you hate (e.g. an extension or something)? As for your "dead end job", again this is a compromise YOU have chosen to make. You CAN leave your job but you will be giving up the fabulous pension. What is more important to you? You can't have both. There are other jobs which have decent pensions and also other jobs where you can work from home. It depends on how much effort you want to put into actually changing what drags you down.
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