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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife recently declared an interest in trying sex with another girl. It got me interested me as the girl in question is sexy and apparently available and I would shag her without any problems. The girl also suggested that her husband joined in. My wife and I have never done this but the idea has filled me with all sorts of erotic ideas and problems, like I don't like my wife to get f--ked by another man but I wouldn't mind her doing a bit of lesbo with the girl (the girl's husband is sure as hell not getting his dick near my wife - nor me for that matter). I love sex with my wife and when she is not around I fantasize about my wife and all the naughty things we could do. I am aprehensive about experimenting with another couple. Although a full blooded male and quite capable of it, is there a risk that opening our sexual bubble to a stranger will diminish my bond to my wife and hers to me. I think this is called swinging. Do any readers have any detrimental comments to make about it (cheapens the relationship, or causes jealousies, or gets you into a scene that you don't like etc)?Thanx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): It will most definately affect your marriage. I know from frist hand experience. I made the suggestion in my marriage, and will regret it for as long as I live. I wanted no one else but the man I had. I've lost all respect for him, and I just can't get the picture out of my mind. Everytime I have sex with him, it's not just him anymore I see everyone. I see everything, it's awful, I'm in the process of moving on b/c this is unrepairable. I wish so much I could fix it, but our relationship is over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2005): Don't do it. My ex and I did and it eventually ruined our relationship. If you are happy with what you have at the moment keep it that way. If you love your wife and everything is fine don't risk it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2005): Swinging can be a new and exciting way of spicing up your marriage, however both partners must be free of jealously and have the understanding that it is only sex.
Speaking from experience, being with another woman can be great. Especially when there is a man there too.
Word of caution, single women pose a bigger threat to your relationship, while married women already have their man instead of trying to get somebody's else's man and vice versa if its couple swapping or swinging. Either way protection should be used, in case of pregnancy or disease is transmitted between partners.
If you can't handle seeing another man with your wife, you should try to find a woman to join you and your wife. Good Luck though.. its not easy..most are couple wanting couples..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2005): Two great answers below. Just have a few opinions of my own to add here.
You've already said in your letter, you are apprehensive about couples, so think this through carefully. With all the potential positives of a swinging relationship, there are always the negative, flip sides. I agree with you when you state your concerns about "diminishing the bond" to your wife and her to you. Entering a swinging situation could definitely decrease the level of intimacy between you and your wife, with each of you having some of your needs fulfilled outside the relationship, so possibly distancing you emotionally. I know one couple who tried this, and he couldn't get over the imagery of watching some guy boink his wife. They inevitably split up-so be absolutely sure you can handle what may come. You may set guidelines and make boundries now...but when it comes to doing it with another couple....there's a good chance that those boundries could be over stepped. Are you prepared for that? If you want to boink a guy's woman..better accept the fact that he'll want to boink your wife!
Other possible difficulties could occur where there is a real mismatch in who holds the power in the relationship, for example when swinging is what one partner wants and the other goes along with it to please them, or if one is more into it than the other and put's the pressure on, to continue this free swinging lifestyle. Being in a swinging relationship requires incredible openness, trust and confidence in the strength of the bond between you both. So it is not a good idea to try it to spice up a dull sex life or to bring interest into a struggling troubled relationship. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
Practising safe sex is important to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Some people may choose to be tested regularly for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) as an alternative, though as many STDs don't have any symptoms and viruses such as HIV can take up to three months to be detected in a test, this is not as safe an option. A further reason to take precautions is to avoid unplanned pregnancy-how would you deal with finding out your wife was pregnant and not knowing which of several men could be the father? Or that you possibly impregnated another woman? Another important issue to consider is personal safety, particularly if you are inviting strangers back to your home, or going back with strangers to their home. If you have children in your home and couples come to your place-consider where the kids will be, while you have your fun. I would suggest taking them to a relatives for sleepovers. Get them out of the house. Even if they are sleeping..they can wake up and walk in on you while you are all doing your thing.
These are key issues to resolve before they come up with adult swinging. Discuss them now..because once it's happened it'll be too late to work it out as emotions will be heightened, leaving one or both of you feeling threatened and insecure. Another area where it's important to establish ground rules..if it's just straight sex you want or bondage, role play or S&M, it's crucial that you agree with the other couple. Stay safe and get out of it fast..if someone is getting hurt. Make absolutly sure you swing with people you know and trust. Take your time and think this through over and over until you BOTH decide you really, really want this.
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A
female
reader, bee +, writes (10 September 2005):
In my opinion 'swinging' is an excuse to have only a half-realtionship. basically it allows people to have their cake and eat it too, hanging on to the security of their partner without affording them the respect that is VITAL in any human relationship.
There is ALWAYS one partner who is more into the idea than the other and somebody ALWAYS finds the situation more painful than the other.
Do NOT allow this powerplay to affect your marriage.
Sit down with your wife and ask her how the idea came about. get an honest answer and try to sort the issue out with her.
If she was interested in 'spicing up' your love life with another girl, she may have been doing it to please you too! But unfortunately this girl's husband would need to be invited too.
However bear in mind that whether it's threesome, foursome, couples, man or woman, this is not the way to keep your relationship solid.
Proceed with extreme caution if you must and know that your relationship will never ever be the same..you will lose the intimate and intense bond and be more suspicious and insecure I think... you obviously adore your wife and that's fantastic. tell her that and talk to her.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): Why would it be ok for you to(shag) another woman. But not let your wife do the same with another man. This does not seem fair to me, and quiete honestly you sound like you could not cope with the outcome of this. i wouldnt bother if i were you
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